Right now you're telling yourself you're not good enough. You're not good enough, because he hasn't texted you back. You're not good enough, because there's other girls out there he gives his attention to over you. You're not good enough, because he's been doing this for almost a year...and you keep letting him. You're not good enough, because after almost a year he still can't commit to you. And of course you're telling yourself that's because you're. not. good. enough. Your belly is too big, you don't look great with or without makeup, you're not that smart, you aren't super athletic, and every other flaw you've made up about yourself. He couldn't love you, he doesn't love you, no one will love you. You repeat this over and over again. It all started with no text back and suddenly you can't feel your legs, because your mind is racing a mile a minute and you can't seem to see straight, because now you've convinced yourself that you'll be alone forever. It's probably for the best. You're only a burden to everyone. Everyone you know has to deal with these problems over and over. You're so tired of it so you can't imagine how those around you feel. It started way before him, but you let him in and now it's worse. It's better in someways, but he also made it worse. You wish you could move on, just cut him out and move on. But he's got your heart now, he shows you love now and then, something you never thought you have and it feels so good. It feels like heaven and you feel like the luckiest girl in the world...until he doesn't want to anymore. Until he remembers you're just friends and he doesn't want a relationship. He's told you this time and time again, in between the babes, the trips to meet the family, the adventures, laughs, memories, photographs, home cooked meals, dinner dates, and "you make me so happy"s he's told you that you're just friends. How could you think any differently? Haven't I made it clear, I don't want a relationship. But your mind starts running in fast forward, what did you do wrong? How could this have happened? I did everything I was supposed to but he still doesn't want me, at least not completely. So it must be me. I'm the problem. I come back to it over and over again. So the cycle continues, I blame myself and he gets off free. Then I feel better and I blame him, until he's loving again. Until he holds me close and whispers in my ear how beautiful I am, how he's so glad he met me, how he can't wait for all the things the next year holds for us. And I'm back in. Just like that. He gives me the little bit of hope I need to believe we could be happy one day, I could be happy one day. But its only temporary. He'll get tired of you again and ignore you for a while. Keeping you wondering about if he's with someone else and why you're not good enough for him all the time. These are the millions of things that run through your head on a bad night. Depression isn't fun, anxiety isn't fun. It's exhausting and time consuming and no matter how much incredibly progress you've made in the past year, none of it seems relevant on these nights. So this is a letter to myself on a bad night. Maybe I can write all of this down and feel better. Or maybe not. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.