[imkayespinoza]

Ang buhay ko ay isang malaking “bakit ganun”.

[njmendoza-blog1]

532 days ago

Sa una, I was like oh cool my first follower HAHAHA but then na realize ko na etong first follower ko famous pala. I’m like wow holy shit sa dami dami nang tao na mag fofollow sakin siya pa. Na realize ko lang yun after a week or so, simula nun ikaw na yung naging “Tumblr Crush” ko until now lagi ko paring binibisita yung tumblr mo. Tignan mo naman kasi maganda na, ang galing pang mag sulat pa san ka pa. Tapos nalaman ko na taga toronto ka pala, tapos may mutual friends pa tayo, im like shit ang liit nang mundo. Ngayon lang ako nakasulat nang ganto kasi naging inactive din ako and siyempre may mga personal reasons din. Anyways Hi! imkayespinoza :>

[imkayespinoza]

AWWWWW <3 Nakakatuwa naman, halos 532 days ago rin nang hulling may naggawa ng ganitong post para sakin. Chos. Thank you! :)

[imkayespinoza]

Situation.. Meron kang bf for 6 years pero naging LDR kayo, perfect na lahat, akala mo siya na yung kasama mong tatanda. Pero isang araw hindi ka nalang niya kinausap nang walang dahilan. 5 months kang nag aantay sa message niya, umaasa na mag rereply back and until now hindi ka parin completely moved on. Paano kung nag message siya sayo isang araw.. nag sosorry. Anong pipiliin mo mag move on at kalimutan nalang siya, or balikan yung taong nangiwan na sa’yo nang walang dahilan noon?

(Wow, ang tagal ko nang hindi nakatanggap ng gan’to ah. Haha, sorry naoverwhelm lang.)

Hmm. Kung ako yan, honestly sa loob pa lang ng limang buwan nagsisimula na’kong mag move on eh. Sinisimulan ko nang isipin yung mga posibleng dahilan, at kung alin man dun yun, onti-onti ko na siyang pinapatawad kahit hindi pa siya nagsosorry. Kasi diba minsan hindi lahat ng bagay nabibigyan ng dahilan o pagkakataon na maexplain... At kung mag aantay man ako, ang inaantay ko na lang ay yun nga, yung kausapin niya ako at mag-explain siya kung bakit niya nagawa yun. CLOSURE na lang ba, para naman magkaron ako ng idea, kung ako ba yung problema o siya talaga. At dun ako magiging “completely moved on.” 

Hindi ko na hahayaang bumalik siya sa buhay ko, well depende naman ‘to. Kung mahal ko siya, maghahanap at maghahanap ako ng paraan para makausap siya sa mga oras na di niya ako kinakausap at malamang hindi ko papaabutin ng limang buwan. Kakausapin ko magulang niya, o kapatid o mga kaibigan niya nang malaman ko kung ano nangyayari sa kanya. Kasi kahit sa loob nga lang ng dalawang araw na di ko makakausap yung taong mahal ko magwoworry na ako e. Lintek na limang buwan pa kaya? 

Kung napagdecide-an niyang kausapin ako at magsorry, edi papakinggan ko siya. Iintindihin ko mga sasabihin niya at itetake ko na yung chansa kong tanungin siya kung ano nangyari at bakit nangyari yun at ilabas kung ano mga saloobin ko. Pero pagkatapos nun, mag momove on na ko. Papatawarin ko siya, pero that doesn’t mean binibigyan ko siya ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Magkaiba yung papatawarin ko siya sa pagbibigay ng pangalawang chance. At cliché man, pero kung kami talaga sa huli, kami. Pero sa ngayon, maghihilom muna ako. Iintindihin ko muna sarili ko... Hanggang sa maging okay na’ko, masaya, at buo. At kung nandyan pa rin siya sa dulo, siguro siya pa rin talaga. Pero kung hindi, edi hindi. Who knows what will happen in the future diba. It’s for you to find out. :) 

[imkayespinoza]

Fb mo po?

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100006071746718

https://twitter.com/gkespinoza

:)

[imkayespinoza]

KAYE SOBRANG GANDAAA HELLO :)

Ate mimi!!!! Napadaan lang ako saglit dito. Miss you!!!!! >:D< 

[imkayespinoza]

Buhay pa rin pala tumblr ko? Ok.

[imkayespinoza]

I don't like it when people try to control me.

Especially when a guy acts like he's my boyfriend and he tries to control me and keeps on asking about all the things I do. I wouldn't mind if I committed myself to you -- if we have no "title" but I gave you the consent to treat me the way you treat me, then it's okay. Be clingy all you want. Control me in some ways. But if I didn't? Then know where you stand. The more you try to tell me what to do and how to act, the more I do the opposite. If you don't want to get hurt, then put some limits to your actions. If I already told you that we're  friends, you should talk and act like a normal friend towards me. Meaning, it does not require you to text me every minute to ask what I'm doing, who I'm with, or where I am. I am honestly so fed up of thinking how to turn people down in a proper and "nice" way, because in the end, I'm still going to be the bitch that "turned you down", that "hurt" you, and that girl who "got your hopes up" when you're clearly the one who's doing this to yourself.

Guard yourself, bro. I have no intention in hurting you but if that's what it takes for you to stop hurting yourself, then I'll be a bitch. We're just friends. Act like it. I'm sorry. Bye.

[imkayespinoza]

For the last two months, I've been really busy. Since the beginning of semester two, all I did was dance, sing, and study. I was almost close to dividing myself (literally) in four because there was an event and I had to dance with two different groups, sing with my vocal class, and of course, at the end of the practices, I study too, because I'm aiming to achieve high marks. I can't complain though, it's something I love to do.

Having to participate in two dance groups was difficult. God knows how nervous I was on the day of our performance. I kept on telling myself that if I screw up on the first, I'll try to do better on the next... but hearing cheers and shouts when we're about to perform boosted my confidence. It reminded me of those times when I almost gave up, my friends who spent their time and gave their 100% in learning the choreographs I taught, the number of times I've been on stage to dance and how I do it to express what I love doing and the audience giving us support, cheers and getting impressed by our dance were just a bonus. I just danced like I was practicing -- having fun but giving all the energy I could, and on the second performance (kasama ko mga itim na babae), all the nervousness was gone. After the performances, even a week after the event, from my friends who watched to the people I don't know kept on acknowledging how good my friends and I danced. I was very happy because all the hard work payed off.

Also, I never thought there would ever be a chance that I'm going to dance with the Shottaz. And the reason is because I'm Asian (lol, i know) but they welcomed me and made me feel that I'm not different from them. I actually had a pretty good time with them during practices (taught me how to twerk and do the naenae lma0), and it was such a good experience for me to dance with them. 

This is probably happening because I'm not sure if I'm still going to be able to perform next school year. It's going to be my last year and I'm entering university after, which means I have to focus on my studies -- I took all the sciences, Biology, Chemistry, and Physics, two maths, Advanced Functions and Calculus, English, and fitness. Next year will either be the year of my death, or success. We'll see.

Anyway, I'm enjoying it while I still can. I just feel so blessed for getting to express myself through dancing.

[imkayespinoza]

san ka mag-aaral? jan sa Canada? :)

Yes, I've been studying here for two years na. Dito na rin ako magtatapos ng university. :)

[psych-facts]

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly inside.

 Sigmund Freud (via psych-facts)

[imkayespinoza]

To one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met...

Happy 19th birthday, beb! You may think that there's nothing special on your day, and I'm not even sure if this would make any difference, but here goes my message.

*Ahem, ahem* Thank you for everything. For making me laugh, for making me feel special, for making me feel that I always have a shoulder to lean on whenever. Despite our busyness, you never forget to ask me if we could chill, or text if there are any occasions. I miss you everyday, you know? Even though I get to be with you during lunch, it just feels that the time isn't enough, and when I try to sit beside you, sometimes, I just don't know what to say. But I do miss you, and I tell that to my other friends, and I don't even know why I can't say it directly to you. Remember when Robert asked you for your locker? Yes, it was me who asked for that. That was the time when we kind of had a little conflict and I noticed that we don't talk that much anymore. I even wrote a letter but I was shy to give it to you so I didn't bother. I thought, if I want our friendship back to the way it used to be, I'm just gonna act and not write it out and let you read some bs that might not even happen. We've been through ups and downs, but I believe that our friendship is still as strong as how it started. Real friendship isn't measured by talking or texting on a daily basis, right? And not talking frequently doesn't mean something has changed. We're just busy, that's all... And yo--

*cutting the drama* *not about that for your birthday* 

All I wanna say is, I'm very thankful to have you as a friend, and no new friend could ever replace you. I promise you that. Happy birthday Jenelyn! I love you always! :)

[imkayespinoza]

Everyone fails, just don't let your failure define you.

Not everything will work out in life. There are times where you're going to struggle, and no matter how hard you fight against it, you just wouldn't succeed. At some point in your life, you're going to fail at something. But that shouldn't define you -- failing once, twice, or even more doesn't mean that you're dumb, you're a legit failure and you have never done/you'll never do anything right. It just shows that you're a normal person who goes through ups and downs, who wins and loses, who succeeds and fails. You shouldn't put yourself down, because you're not the only one who has gone and will ever go through it.

Don't let your failure define you. Just learn from it, accept your defeat and let go. 

[luckykels-deactivated20170205]

Kasi kinikilig pa rin ako dito! Hihi. Kahit kaibigan ko na si Ate Kaye, nakakakilig pa rin kaya! Ang liit ng mundo. Shems. I hope to see you soon, Ate! I lalalalove you! Hehe. Mwa ♥

[imkayespinoza]

Cute cute talaga nitong girl na 'to. I love you too!

[imkayespinoza]

Hi kaye ano kukunin mong course or may napili ka na?

Hi! Di ko alam kung kailan pa tong message na to, sorry kung sobrang late reply. And yung course na kukunin ko? I'm going to take Dentistry po. :D

[imkayespinoza]

I don't know why people still follow my blog. I haven't updated it for three months. Regardless, thank you!

I honestly miss blogging but there's a lot going on with my life right now. My followers who follow me on twitter probably know how stressed I am and how I'm having a hard time balancing school, dance, family and other things that I barely get enough sleep. Also, I promised my friend (Kelly) I'm going to blog again, and I will. I'm just hoping that my schedule for next semester won't be that busy so I'll have time to blog. Because as of the moment, I can't even last two hours on Facebook, and the only social network I'm active at is Twitter.

So ya, I miss you guys. I'll catch up with you soon. :)

[imkayespinoza]

Minsan talaga, kahit gaano pa kahalaga sa'yo ang isang tao, kailangan mo na siyang sukuan. Hindi dahil nabawasan na yung pagmamahal mo sa kanya/'di mo na siya mahal, kung hindi dahil 'di mo na kayang 'di ka pinapahalagahan pabalik. Lagi na lang ikaw yung umiintindi, yung nagsasakripisyo, yung gumagawa ng paraan para magkaayos kayo at nagpaparamdam na andyan ka lang lagi para sa kanya, pero kapag ikaw naman ang nangangailan ng pagpaparamdam niya na ganun din siya sa'yo, hindi mo siya makita; hindi mo siya maramdaman. Nagpapakamartyr at nagpapakatanga ka na, pero siya parang wala namang pakielam sa'yo. Sa sobrang pagpapahalaga mo sa kanya, nakalimutan mo na pahalagahan sarili mo.

Hanggang sa dumating yung araw na 'di mo na talaga kaya at sumuko ka na. Ba't mo pa nga ba ipagpapatuloy na habulin ang isang taong gagawin mo ang kahit na ano para sa kanya, kung ang ipinaparamdam sa'yo ay okay lang kahit mawala ka? Lahat ng tao may limitasyon. Kung ang superhero nga may kahinaan, malamang sa malamang ikaw din. 'Di ka robot na kahit ilang beses baril-barilin ay 'di tatablan. Hindi masamang sumuko kung hindi mo na talaga kaya. Tama na yung nagawa mo yung part mo, at masasabi mong wala kang pagkukulang sa kanya.

[imkayespinoza]

Sawang-sawa na akong naiiwanan ng mga taong "mahalaga" sa'kin. Ipaparamdam sakin na andyan lang palagi, papangakuan akong 'di ako iiwanan, pero sa huli? Sa wala lang din mapupunta. Mauuwi lahat ng pinagsamahan at mga pangako sa...ako yung naghahabol, ako yung gagawa ng paraan para maayos at bumalik kami sa dati.

Kaso tama naman na ang katangahan. Titigil na'ko.

Kung gusto mo maging bahagi ng buhay ko, siguraduhin mo namang 'di ka aalis. O 'di kaya wag ka na lang mangako. Pwede? Para wala kang salitang pinanghahawakan at wala kang taong pinapaasa sa mga salitang binitawan mo.