Personal Blog

My feelings and shit I guess

[immaculatedays]

I want you to get lost in me again. I want to be lost in you. I need you.

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I hope one day when I look back I won’t think it was all a big mistake. I hope I’ll be happy. That I will be with you. Or I will have at least learned from it. Grown. Its so hard to change. So hard to deal with this anxiety. I don’t know what to do. It eats at me. I deal with it so much better. But it still hurts. It still renders me unable to function. I wish I could control it better. I wish I could be someone different. I wish I was someone different.

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time and space does exist outside of your own mind. or does it my feelings matter too I exist without you

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morning thoughts are always so sad sad but confidant confidant that I deserve better sad that you dont treat me better confidant that I can be without you sad that you wouldn’t be in my life anymore confidant that I don’t need you sad that you don’t need me afternoon thoughts.. they are so lazy and accepting I guess maybe I get what I deserve I guess I should try and be better for you I guess one day maybe you’ll need me

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Just remembered I had a strange dream last night. The main part was that I had left my purse/wallet out on the car and when I went out to grab it I noticed the window was down and that my wallet was out. I had hoped that since it was closed that nothing was missing but upon inspection I found my cash and cards had been stolen. Now the reason why I was going to get my money from my car was because I needed my card to go withdraw cash because I was purchasing a Lights painting/print because I was previously in a warehouse setting with her and Beau and it was like a dance class or some sort of class or maybe it was a concert? but then at the end they started pulling out all these paintings and prints and said how they like weren’t selling and they were gonna be selling them or possibly having a giveaway for a couple. It was odd.

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since feeling is first who pays any attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you; wholly to be a fool while Spring is in the world my blood approves and kisses are a better fate than wisdom lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry —the best gesture of my brain is less than your eyelids' flutter which says we are for each other: then laugh, leaning back in my arms for life's not a paragraph and death i think is no parenthesis

E. E. Cummings

[immaculatedays]

Its funny how everything turns out. Life is so strange. You never know where it’s going to take you. I have felt so alone this past week. This past week without you. I’m still so confused and hurt. But I’m okay. I’ve learned to be okay. For the past six years I’ve always had someone. At times, to my chagrin, multiple people. I like having someone. Human beings aren’t meant to be alone. It’s a funny thing, loneliness. I feel like I’m constantly basking in it. And at times it feels like its dragging me down. Back to that horrible place of despair. But when I really think about it. I would much rather be alone most of the time. Relationships are hard, and in my opinion, often not worth it. I’ve been riding a fine line lately of whether or not these things are worth it. I’m in a constant struggle with finding what makes me happy. The world tells me to be happy i need attention and friends. But maybe I don’t. Maybe all I need is myself and my goals, and hopefully you. But this jealousy and anger and sadness I sometimes get from the way you need other people instead of me cannot be justified. I need to move past it, I need to love you for how you are. I want to be more selfless for you, but at the same time maybe more selfish for myself. What do I want? What makes ME happy? How can we take this ride together?

[immaculatedays]

I wish I could just gaze upon myself with rose coloured glasses smooth out the bumps and stretch marks of imperfect bodies see and feel impeccable skin  run my hands over hips and shoulder blades and collarbones brush away the scars of my troubles glow with the caress that the warm sun has left me perhaps a pretty outside would make me feel prettier inside

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Falling in to that dark place. Its been a long time coming maybe. I dont have the motivation to do anything. I cant text people back. I cant cook food. I cant book appointments or plan things. I’m empty. I want everything and also nothing. I feel unwanted, unneeded. No wonder, I’m disgusting. All this skin and scars and fat. I wouldn’t want me. There needs to be less. I can do it. I believe in myself. It’s the one thing maybe I can control. Even though I suck at it. I’ll probably fail. I fail at everything. I have no direction, no anything. What’s the point. You lifted me up so high in the beginning and now I have so much farther to fall. I don’t think I’m what you need. And I need more from you.  I love who you are as a person but I just need so much. I need someone to be my personal cheerleader, I need someone to constantly love me and motivate me and tell me things will be okay or they will get better or something. Not this empty silence that I’m just suppose to be okay with. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how I can be so unimportant. 

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Dream

Trying not to forget. Dreamed a strange dream. I was at reeces house but it was bigger the basement extended twice as big. But it was like a shoppi g mall set up but also like a hospital and it connected with the house next door. But it was never opened as anything. Just set up that way. Anyways my dad showed up and was mad ar me not answering a twxt and he was cycling in the basement and i was like okay whatever thats strange. And rhen my mom was also there and she was telling people wgat to do and beig rude and i got so mad at her and people started crying and i kicked her out of te house. And then this whole time reece was telling me to shower but to wait for him but then he disapeared outisdw and it was summer but it was also maybe winter and he picked up a bg of drugs in front of the house but then went off to what look like go and hide it. And it looked like a big bag of wed but also a bag of coke and it made me mad casue it confirned suspesio s i had that he was offf doing coke all the time. And for some reason i remember seeinf him grab and hide several bags of drugs and thats why there was multiple seasons. And it just frustrated me more and more and i think i finally said something to him or planned to or something. And also after i kicked my mom out reeces mom apologized or something i apologized and she said everything was all right but then all of a sudden there was a bunch of filipinos in the house and it waa random. And also i think something sexual happened but i cant seem to remember.

[immaculatedays]

breathe breath b reathe breath breahtee calm calm calm calm calm cant nothing will be okay youll always be alone no one will understand you no one will love you no one cares no one care no one cares no one cares noonecares noone cares no one cares youll never be anything die no one will miss you. no one no one no one nothing matters everything so physical and material people dont work. staring righ t through you or pretending you can be something they can love its a lie they are lying to you to themselves no one can love you you cant love you no one no one no die calm it will be calm youre suppose to be here. you are suppose to make me feel less like this. no. die.

[immaculatedays]

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen? Purple. But of those two then black I guess

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city? Right now I’d love to experience living in a city. But I dig both.

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be? I wish I could fight. Something. Mma, ju jit su (sp?) Anything.

Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar? Coffee and any herbal tea no. Black teas I like sugar and milk.

What was your favourite book as a child? I had sooo many favourite books as a child. I read alot. The Magic Tree House series was a favourite. And we had many different compilation type books with fairy tales and stuff that I loved.

Do you prefer baths or showers? As an everyday thing I like showers. Bath are good every once and a while, to relax.

If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose? A unicorn. Cause unicorn.

Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books? Paper all the way. Never got into electronic books.

What is your favourite item of clothing? I don’t really have one. I do like Daddy’s sweater that I borrowed once when we first started dating and never gave back.

Do you like your name? Would you ever change it? No. It’s boring and plain. I don’t think I’d ever change it though.

Who is a mentor to you? I don’t really have one. I’m lost and unguided.

Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for? No. But I guess it would be cool to be a famous camgirl, or singer. If I was talented enough to do either of those things.

Are you a restless sleeper? Sometimes? I don’t really know. Mixed reviews.

Do you consider yourself a romantic? Sometimes yes. But then my realist side always eventually kicks in.

Which element best represents you? Fire. Cause I’m wild, untameable. All over the place.

Who do you want to be closer to? Daddy. I want to be the closest with him.

Do you miss someone at the moment? Always.

Tell us about an early childhood memory. First one to come to mind is getting a bunch of gifts from my uncle. A scooter and an original xbox.

What is the strangest thing you have eaten? I’ve eaten lots of strange things, since I’ve ate food in China and the Philippines.

What can you see outside your bedroom window? Darkness. And snow.

What are you most thankful for? Being warm.

Do you like spicy food? Yes. But not toooo spicy.

Have you ever met someone famous? Yes. Several people! Lights. Vanessa Hudgens. Meet Simple Plan at a meet and greet. Sage Francis, Protest the Hero. Alison Brie waved at my family once.

Do you keep a diary or journal? Sometimes.

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? I prefer to type. But pen I suppose.

What is your star sign? Leo.

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? In the middle.

What would you want your legacy to be? I want people to remember me as being kind.

Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read? Yes. I do. Wish I did it more. I read the fifth Series of Unfortunate Events.

How do you show someone you love them? I touch them real lots. And I tell them.

Do you like ice in your drinks? No. That makes them all watery. Ew.

What are you afraid of? Dying alone. Moving on. Moving in general. Change. You know normal people things.

What is your favourite scent? Whatever Daddy smells like.

Do you address older people by their first or last name? Mostly first names! Unless I’ve known them since I was little. Then they are still Mr/Mrs...

If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I would live it somewhere beautiful and I would always be exploring.

Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean? Ocean! When it’s warm.

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? Into the bank.

Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish? Many! And yes of course. I cannot remember any at the moment though.

What is one thing you would want to teach your children? Respect. And equality and fairness.

If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? On my nogging. A lights tattoo!

What can you hear right now? Supernatural.

Where do you feel the safest? At home snuggled in bed. Preferably next to my love.

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Being afraid of everything.

If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose? As farrrrr back as I can.

What is your most used emoji? Probably just the purple heart.

What is your favourite season? Why? Summer. Cause warmth.

How would you spend your ideal day? Exploring with Daddy. Somewhere pretty.

Describe yourself using one word. Sad.

What do you regret the most? How I was/am such a shitty person.

Invent your own word. What does it mean? Impulsing. It’s me!

[immaculatedays]

and he will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with night.

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I had a dream last night that you wrapped your arms around me and in your lovely amazing sleepy morning voice, told me I was too skinny and I better stop losing weight, in a mean but gentle daddy way. How can I make this dream a reality?

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Constantly craving attention. Message me everyday. Tell me you love me and want me and need me all the time. Annoy me with your loving. Throw it at me. Thats what I want. Thats what I need.

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Words

Write it all done. Let it all out. This is better then cutting. Its better then holding it in. Maybe just maybe this will let me not think about it all day.

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Please Help

I'm desperately hoping that writing this will help it leave my stupid brain. I doubt it though. Did you ever call her baby girl? Did she call you daddy? Did you eat her out just cause you wanted to get her off? Did your arms feel good around her when you were so sad? Did she tell you she loved you? Did you say it back? Did you sleep with her after you slept with me? Why lie if it meant nothing. Why make me look and feel like such an idiot for trusting you? It hurts. And i cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop hurting. I want to. But it literally will not leave my mind.