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Icon: @vilebite.

[immortalizedfuck]

[octopusgirl]

Jaume Plensa - Yorkshire Sculpture Park

[immortalizedfuck]

Haha. I'm playing along now. A finger on the pulse of society. How exciting, to lob off whatever authenticity we wanted and revert to being as compliant to people's expectations as we've always been.

Though, something I still don't know if I'll play along with is putting an age range.

I don't get how people on socmed are staunchly going "ageless blogs are the suck" and expect blogs not to lie about age. Feels either performative or a them-issue (such as intrusives, wanting to avoid consequences, or all of the above).

In any case. It's not rooted in any tangible affects-us reason so I want to resist whenever possible, even with the body being 20+ years.

[immortalizedfuck]

Would be an ideal opportunity to start using my anger as a reason to be productive, or something. If not for the fact that we aren't³ allowed to be angry and emotional reguIation had grown rusty with disuse.

³(growing up and seemingly currently)

[milksockets]

'many scratched doors,' 1994 in sigalit landau - gabriele horn + ruth ronen (2008)

[immortalizedfuck]

This was actually meant to be one of those impersonal sideblogs where I only curate posts that make me look cool¹, but I suppose being mentally iIl has a way of ruining things².

¹(as per all my other blogs)

²(being in pain enough to unmask where nobody but people who already know can see)

[immortalizedfuck]

I feel like I truly regret having turned the main into something newer. It should've been laid to rest in 2023 and not have followed anyone new. That way we could be content with not being seen, because we never tried otherwise. We're too stubborn to ne​​​​twork properly on personal mains. Unless we start masking heavily again, social ventures would've always ended up a failure.

[venerable-thief]

type of guy who is always waiting for excuse or opportunity to go into exile

[sweetsimpleandsordid]

An impermanence in understanding.

[389]

Alchemical figures carved on the tomb of Nicholas Flamel (1418)

[christslamb]

[389]

João Ruas

[immortalizedfuck]

And now for something not-m​​​​​eta.

It's dangerous to keep high expectations, such as being treated like I'm worthy of affection. Do I only matter when I'm in a good mood? Or, alternatively, people only want to pay attention when it seems like I'd hurt myself? Tossing me to the side once I'm ACTUALLY frustrated and hard to appease.

(Extremely wrong. I am aware. Situations written in the whiniest tone, but clearly my self-awareness of the tropes won't stop my mental health from going haywire. Sorry — your gift of insight is wasted.)

(The joke here is that I've always been hard to appease, I've just been letting people think I'm chill. The chill bantering one who has nothing wrong going on with it whatsoever. Laughing for the sake of politeness, not because you actually find it funny — that sort of thing is ingrained in us&. It's worse online when typing all monotone and whateverthefuck gets people assuming. What, a few capital words here, a few swears there, and suddenly someone's a different person? The person was "calm" before that? As if.

One reason I haven't been behaving more angered is to keep up appearances because people tend to find that venting shit cringe when there aren't any notes, oddly enough. Internet points have an unjustified sway on how people view you. I'd have to have at least more followers to be accepted into the venting club and patted on the back sympathetically or given advice, instead of being ignored like a friendless loserthing.

Which I somewhat am. Lol. Talking to only 2 people (online) on the good days and 1 on the bad ones. The "wrong" part about this, according to social conventions, is that I'm OKAY with this situation! I don't believe losers exist! I don't think online and offline has that big of a divide! I can feel just as close to online friends and I'm so okay with only having 2 that I haven't reached out to other friends in weeks if not months! And haven't made any new acquaintances since around 3 months ago! I'm not even sad about our parents being elsewhere it's just that we realised how fucking unloved we are and pitiful our life is without independence, that's all.

Okay.

My apathy toward social perception and contentment toward fewer friends is unideal — I'd have to network in order to be cared for. It's how I met all my friends. I've known this for ages, I'm the social one in the sys, I don't know why I still fucking hesitate. Is it too stimulating or whatever? What is wrong with me. I have to look for people offline, I have to make more friends online. Bond with others for them to care; That's the only way to do it, I CAN'T expect people to care if I'm a self-isolated stranger having a shit time. It's only a daydream to think that. Even when I'm the type to care about strangers, my unhealthy lack of b​​​​​oundaries is an exception to the rule. Ma​​​​​​​​c​​​​​​​​​​hiavelli was right.

To fail in networking is to fail my sys. On top of that, everyone I know must have had these expectations of me being a social butterfly when they first met me given how I act. I'm letting people down just by being too tired to mask. They were drawn to a funny thoughtful friend, they'll be repulsed by a depressed hateful bastard.

I think being comforted is a privilege of those who know how to network.

Practicality is the way to go. Online should be easier to do this on, it WAS easier, and yet my social capabilities have been hemorrhaging for months and now I barely talk to anyone and I'm cared for by almost no-one. Even if networking is the fucking devil and I hate it hate being disingenuous hate masking, I can't feasibly live without morale, so my social inability will be the fucking death of my mental health.

Physical health, too, if this cough persists — I know NOBODY who could drive us to a clinic and even if I had the money to uber there's no way I can get an appointment scheduled without the approval of said overprotective parents. And they won't. They want to save money. Our legal adult age might as well be a piece of cardboard.)

Annoying. Frustrating. I feel hollowed out by my own stupidity, being so unable to support my morale that I'd have to depend on connections I don't even have.

I'm too emotional to talk to the 2nd person. I'll cry less after I wake up.

[immortalizedfuck]

Various meta about Toriel and Asgore.

Remembered something: She actually knew this entire time that Asgore didn't want to kill any more humans.

Toriel says that he's been meekly hoping no human ever comes again, in the same confrontation scene where she calls him a pathetic whelp.

Considering her own avoidant tendencies (having holed herself up in the Ruins), it sounds like projection.

She hoped no human would ever be killed in the Underground again, despite not wanting to leave/assist beyond the Ruins. Even for the humans' safety.

Additional similarities:

Both her and Asgore concluded that no more blood needed to be shed.

Both hated themselves for their actions.

Both would've accepted being killed by you in a fight.

Unlike Asgore who'd accepted his blame openly, Toriel seems to prefer pointing fingers. It's possible she's at a point where she'd blamed herself for too long that having anything else to blame is preferred.

This is an interesting inverse with Asgore, who initially threw his anger and blame onto humanity but is now resigned with his faults.

Finding more depth in these characters is fun.

Despite her own actions, and despite knowing that others like Undyne were in charge of killing humans just as much as Asgore was, Toriel verbally beats down on her ex while remaining cordial to everyone else who'd hurt you.

All of the cast had hurt you. Everyone you befriend either (1) initially wanted to hurt you, or (2) initially put you in harm's way for their own selfish gains. She's part of the 2nd category.

Toriel had been canonically starving herself, distrusting everyone around (her own subjects as the queen!), had many sleepless nights, and other signs of suffering mentally.

Asgore suffered similarly, especially in that he offers you the choice to kill him — even if it causes monsterkind to never break free (his years-long plan!).

It's a messy, realistic situation. She feels betrayed by her partner and torn up about the bloodshed to the point of self-isolation of course she's not going to act rationally once she actually talks to others.

Still, I wonder why her treatment of Asgore had been dismissed as a funnie joke in-game, and why her own (in)actions hadn't been pointed out by your friends in canon.

Flowe​​​​​y is the closest one to have criticized her and nobody would believe him since he's the antagonist.

[nigelgraz]

Study

[immortalizedfuck]

Actually, if it's annoying to be here, I can just kill people with my mind powers.

[bizarreauhavre]

Devil and snake occult ceremony ritual dagger. (19th century)