My Truth

I want to write about my experiences, and my truth about how I feel about life. you may not agree but this where I feel free.

[impossiblycrazyprincess-blog]

What am I doing next

It's 2016 and literally don't have a clue what I'm doing. I'm I'm surrounded by all my friends who seem to be doing fine. I'm in London with thousands of people around me and I couldn't be more lonely. I've been with this guy for a year and I thought it was going somewhere and now he says I have to wait 5 years to be with him. I literally dot don't have a clue, and you know what I'd love to say all this deep crap about how everything is going to be okay and gods got a plan. Well I couldn't be further away from that. I feel like his forgotten about me and left me to fall. I got a job as a career but look at me ! I don't want to do that I want to dance but I've lost all self esteem and motivation. I want to curl up into a ball and cry. No ones telling me it's going to be okay. I've got to laugh because life is short and I'll look back in this and think why didn't I just go for it. But for some reason I won't change, because I'm weirdly okay with this feeling. And that's when you get ordinary and extraordinary people

[impossiblycrazyprincess-blog]

Relationships

So my first blog is going to be about relationships. Everyone writes twitter Facebook status about relationships and friendships, mostly in the heat of the moment, they seem so relevant. I mean I live my life based on things that happen in the moment. I will tweet my true feelings but I know that they will have an impact on the person that I felt that about. Not realising it could hurt that person because i haven't thought about it .Thats why I find the internet so dangerous its just allows us to react on impact and not to process our feelings. I’m currently with someone who I feel doesn't make me feel important and to me thats a major thing. Ive had a lot of damage through the years like everyone, but one of the scars I have inherited with the damage is the need to feel wanted. I felt a massive space of rejection though my teen years. Ive had two relationships in the last year and they both ended badly, just because I've wanted to feel this unconditional love... 

where can you find that? Where’s a place where we truly feel safe and allowed to just be yourself? will anyone just love me for me? Thats one of the age old questions. But I've come to realise that you cant find that with human love because they always want something from you. its just the way we are made. I'm a christian and i believe the only true place to find that love is in god. Even over 11 years I've been a christian I haven't allowed myself to feel that immense love that god can give me. why? because I've searched for it in unhealthy relationships, addictions, food, drink, drugs. And I know god is watching.

Relationships are impossible... but with god nothing is impossible. For me the thing i will learn today is that its okay to feel vulnerable and want that human love but maybe i need to stop searching learn to have a real relationship with myself and god before i try and allow  someone to have a relationship with me.