what would it be like if i didn't have low self worth?
I'm serious. I see women sometimes who are totally fine showing up just as they are. I notice that their hair is out of place or maybe their braid isn't perfect, yet they are fine with it the way it is. And for me, if my hair isn't perfect or isn't styling how i want it, i just give up and i don't try anymore and i take the hairstyle apart and throw it in a bun or pony or leave it down...
and i'm curious if it comes from a place of low self-worth or being highly critical of self. being perfectionistic. having low self-esteem.
i know i'm just as critical as others. i know i judged people as harshly as i judge myself. it's messed up. i don't actually enjoy being like this. it's something i need to work on.
currently, i emotionally eat. i'm craving cookies and ice cream and chocolate when i am having a hard time in a day with my emotions.
it's kind of a struggle today to just be human. i did my hair all cute and it's dry and i thought i'm gonna go to the store and then i thought i'd change before i go to the store. cus i'm not wearing a bra and i have on a tank top. and it's like why do i have so many anxious thoughts over going somewhere and living my life.
y'know? sometimes i wish i were better able to turn it off. and shut it down. y'know, no one is thinking about me as much as i'm focused on doing.
everyone is too busy being focused on themselves. exactly how hyper focused of myself i am self-consious.
no one is thinking about me as much as i think that people are focused on me. no one is super focused on what i'm doing. everyone's focused on what they're doing. exactly how critical i am of myself other people are that to themselves and they probably don't even register what i'm doing, or they're inspired by the fact that i don't give a fuck. or maybe they're unattracted to my neglect of what i look like in public, but wither way it doesn't matter. it shouldn't matter what they may or may not think. it shouldn't hinder me living my life.
if i were to see someone while i was who didn't seem to care so much that everything had to be in place then i would extremely admire them because to me it seems that they don't have as many insecurities and i'm like look there's a badass bitch.
where as i have insecurities on my insecurities and maybe they'll never go away, maybe i'm supposed to embrace my insecurities all the time. i literally just wanna get high right now and eat a bunch of chocolate and it kinda sucks because i'm growing a belly in my 30's and i don't want to develop poor eating habits and mindlessly eat tons of junk food.
maybe at this time im not ready to work on my eating habits
maybe i should be eating healthy while im already in a funk and shouldn't be eating tons of food that's going to make me feel worse about myself.
maybe i should do something good for myself rather than work myself to death. cus typically when i get in moods like this i'll get home after my work day and i'll find a bunch of items for me to work on instead of enjoying my peace.
but then it brings me back to philosophy. why do i think life's supposed to be easy. maybe life's supposed to be difficult. who the fuck am i?
maybe what i need to do is chill and get sleepy and calm and just chill out. life's meant to be enjoyed. i don't have to do anything that i don't wanna do. if i don't wanna do something, there are no rules saying i have to do this. i don't owe anthing to anyone if kevin needs me to do something he will ask me to do it. and that's gotta be one of the best things about kevin too that i love is that i he needs me to do something he will fucking ask me or say something to me. and that's so nice. how nice is that? i get so mad at him all the time because i'm like you're not doing this and you're not doing that. and he tells me all the time that all i need to do is ask for his help or to ask him to do something. just ask him to do it is what he tells me.
