It’s been a week since I talked to a psychologist.
Truth is I don’t think she really helped, professionally-speaking. I think her only help was actually specificity -- which I now feel like is something I need or resonate better with. She at least confirmed to me that I truly do have very mild symptoms of anxiety and depression -- which if goes untreated could really progress into something more difficult to deal with. I found comfort in the the label she had placed on what I am going through.
I gave her mindfulness program worksheet a look -- at least. I’m probably just not ready to accept that quiet meditation can help me. I’m probably just not ready to listen to that type of solution at the moment. I don’t like yoga -- which is also why my friends say its probably best that I give it a chance because its exactly what I’m not doing at the moment.
I think I just prefer to observe myself, my actions and thoughts. I prefer to write. See if doing this will do me any good. I even prefer to talk to myself. Tell myself a good pep talk or a reminder to suck it all up and all this is temporary. I tell myself I will get through this and its only gonna be a matter of time.
I have a newfound respect for people going through mental health problems. You know you’re sick and something doesn’t feel right but you can’t quite put your thumb on what it is exactly. Even trying to follow a treatment plan for something that you have that isn’t in the typical form of a physiological illness feels unreal -- yet what you are going through is definitely real.
I chanced upon a mental health podcast the day after i spoke with the psychologist. That podcast actually helped me and sounded sensible to me. I listened to its first episode about the concept of “resetting”.
I really need a reset. I hope to have a reset soon. Its so tiring to be a different person at work -- like I have to have an “on” switch so I can function responsibly -- then to go home and click the “off” switch until I repeat it all over again.
The podcast also made me reflect on the things I have and the state of my life -- what drives me, what matters to me, what makes me happy, the purpose in what i do or who i am, am i content, am i okay with my current state of life.
I still don’t have all the answers. And for someone that thrives on specificity, I’ve learned that it’s okay not to have all the answers at once. It’s okay to go through this muddled part of things because eventually everything will clear up. It’s only a matter of time till I realize what I need to take care of myself.
I only hope it’s not too late when it hits me because I’m only getting started and I’m sure this is only the surface level of the thickness of mud I have to go through.
