Letters from me ✉

when my mind is a mess, my emotions are unstable and I just want it all to end.

[imyourdee]

Dee ✉ | Thirty | INFJ |

Tags that are worth keeping me sane,

Words that were left unsaid,

Things that keep me up at night

and never had the courage to act on them.

Diary entries for when the feelings start to overwhelm and can't be contained

[quotespile]

“Perhaps writing can be beauty and light and also rage and anger.”

— Viet Thanh Nguyen, A Man of Two Faces

[thenordroom]

A Butter-Yellow Kitchen and Period Elements in a Spanish-Style LA Home

[litsnaps]

[imyourdee]

16 Jun 2026 | 5:28pm

I don't have anything in particular to document down right now, but I just feel like typing something out. A memo - a note of sorts of what's been in my mind lately

(1) Kakni got into an accident on Thursday morning - it was raining heavily and I didn't carpool with her that day since I had Comet training at Tamps. I was also supposed to sleep over at Kakak's house the night before but I got sick. Things happened for a reason and of course, by the will of Allah it happened.

Although I'm glad Kakni is fine, I felt like I was partially responsible because I had been thinking of getting into an accident myself to end my life - astaghfirullah but I wasn't in a good head space.

-

(2) I coughed out blood two Sundays ago - it was more than the first time. The night before I had wished I'd die from second hand smoke (I got annoyed at papa smoking in the kitchen) and the next morning I coughed out blood. I put it off, didn't really want to think much of it. I went to see a doctor on Tuesday - initially to rest and to bring up about my migraine (I needed more pills) but somehow I brought up the blood. I had a photo in my phone and somehow when the doctor said what I coughed out was more than a normal amount, all i could think of was - it happened twice that morning but I didn't mention it. The upcoming referral appointment is on 25 June but I have half a mind to not proceed with the checks. If I die, I die right?

-

(3) Venting my feelings out - I was told to talk about everything, including the unpleasant that has been going on in my life and that in itself wasn't something I want to ever talk about.

But it got me analysing - the reason why I don't talk about my problems now is the risk of being seen as annoying and problematic. I hate it so much and it'll hurt if it does happen. It's inevitable to be labelled as such though, I know I am annoying and I take up space.

How do I explain to someone that I don't want to take up space?

That I know I am a waste of space.

-

(4) I miss being creative - I think i've been on burn out for so long now that I don't know how to function like the old me. The one that does bullet journalling, the one that does art or the one that enjoys the process of scrapbooking. It seems like a chore now and I hate this new perspective. I want to stop mourning for the old me and rebuild a new me that loves art again.

How do I make time for anything these days - step one: stop being lazy and stop doomscrolling :(

[imyourdee]

11 Jun 2026 / 18:17

I had another panic attack(?) anxiety attack (?) I don't know anymore. What good is a cry for help when everyone is drowning too.

Kakni got into an accident

[imyourdee]

"Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, than never to have it?"

"What are we without grief?"

[imyourdee]

08 Jun 2026 | 20:40

My throat hurts a lot the past few days, itching and scratchy.

Yesterday, I woke up abruptly, coughing out blood into a tissue.

Part of me can't be bothered with the thought of it,

the other part of me wishes it to be a sign of a near death.

And that part of me right now wishes that I'll die of lung cancer or something so that the people around me would stop smoking/vaping -

Or at least start being considerate of other people's feelings

[imyourdee]

The trip was amazing aside from my self sabotaging tendencies. Being sensitive to words when I know (i hope) they're lying. Being playful.

I felt left out, but being in a group of three will always make me the third wheel and that's okay. I didn't like the feeling and that's okay too. It was just an experience and I won't be holding it against them because we're only human and I won't let this small thing dictate our friendship.

I did enjoy myself. It was the lack of rest that made me a little cranky on top of the insecurities building inside my chest.

I wasn't the kindest person either, so why should I play victim.

Jakarta was amazing and I'm grateful they made it fruitful 🤍

[imyourdee]

How unfair it is;

That my lonely heart gets swept away so easily by mere words.

Like I matter a lot.

Like I'd be your forever.

I believe in miracles - that Allah swt would move mountains if I'd asked sincerely

That i'd be at peace with the one I choose to be my forever

But I guard my heart like I'm constantly at war - and I'll never let my guard down

At the same time, sweetheart, I would definitely love to be your forever if God wills it to be.

[imyourdee]

[imyourdee]

[imyourdee]

FRAME UP 👉👈

[imyourdee]

My parents are growing old, its something always lingering at the back of my mind for the past few years - even more now since the grief is still lingering.

I'm afraid.

Afraid I'll crumble at the lost of them.

Afraid I'll lose my direction when they're no longer around.

Afraid what I know life as it is fade into darkness;

even darker than it is right now.

I pray that my siblings can hold me together and that I can be strong enough to hold them too. I feel so weak these days it's horrible

So horrible I feel like I'm fighting my own shadow.

[imyourdee]

If my presence ever felt like pressure rather than comfort, then I hope my silence will finally feel like relief.

[imyourdee]

18 May 2026 | 1:40pm

We lost my aunt last week - exactly a week ago on Monday.

I think like Leo said, something happens in our lives and something inside us shifts (albeit even the slightest) My mistake? Seeking comfort from others that are incapable of handling me.

Then again, who could handle me?

I made a mistake again yesterday. A mistake or A silver lining or A dodged bullet? I don't know yet. But at this point, I feel sad that things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be. Rather than sad, it's just messing with my head - because I've already told myself that if this goes south, I only have myself to blame.

I'm unfair when it comes to love it seems. Not meeting them in the middle but they wouldn't understand eitherway, not in the Islamic context at least. I suppose this is why Islam is the proper answer when it comes to love. My dumbself just refuses to listen and obey, astaghfirullah.

I still crave the instant gratification, and I don't think anyone understands my thought process. Since it's already hard for me, i think it's even harder for others.

"Just because you're strong, doesn't mean it won't hurt"

At this point, it is probably better to stay single. The reason is better left to be unknown. I've decided not to take the step forward anymore, i'm just going to throw the ball onto his court and see what's his next move.

It won't be the first someone leaves, right Dee?

[imyourdee]

4 May 2026 | 23:44 | Bed

It's been...

A month since the wedding

6 days since my aunt's stroke

A day since I stopped playing TopHeroes

The dunya is so fleeting that everything could be taken away at a blink of an eye, and yet I am still ungrateful. Astaghfirullah.

I had a lot of time to process my thoughts today. A lot of time to zone out instead of being overstimulated by the many things in the game. Although, I still zoned out of the conversations a lot.

I'm grateful Naq and Kak Hana brought me out today. Getting words out of my system, sharing woes and life updates. There's so many others hurting but I want to try to be grateful. Alhamdulillah always. The audacity of men to cheat on their wives and to refuse to provide.

Somehow it's easier to tell others about you rather than him. I admit I am guilty for the dismissive attitude I gave to him today. Despite being slightly happy to see him care, I knew I shouldn't lead him on. That was the whole point of it. I'm a hypocrite.

The hospital visit was heavy. I kept thinking how hard it must be on Abang Jo. How scary it'll be when I have to go through it myself when the time draws near for my own parents. The sight, the helplessness I felt in my chest, the uneasiness of not knowing when she will draw her last breath. It was a lot to take in eventhough it was barely that long.

May He ease our pains and grant us clarity in our lives. Ameen.