Adventure Zone Transcribing

Transcribing my favorite exchanges as I listen to The Adventure Zone for the first time

[in-the-zone]

The Charm That Keeps On Charming

Griffin: So [Taako] you take off your safety harness and you just chuck yourself off of the back of the wagon and you get a good leap. You're sort of flying backwards. Just as you hear Hurley shout, "NO!" as she looks behind her, you hear something. You hear a revving motor and from behind the shark tank you see a stream of dust coming up on you as you're flying through the air, again in bullet time, again in slow motion, and you're snatched out of the air like a foul ball by a gigantic furry hand-

Travis: *gasps*

Griffin: -and placed down into the side car of a motorcycle. And driving that motorcycle you see Klarg the bugbear.

Justin: HELL. YES.

Travis: That's my boy!!!!

Griffin: ...who looks at you and says:

Klarg: Wow that was a close one, wasn't it?

[in-the-zone]

Waffle On You Wacky Cleric

Griffin: What does your spirit weapon look like?

Clint: It looks like a big tennis racket with a waffle iron on the front of it.

Justin: Nice.

Griffin: What does that even... Ok.

Travis: Wait... what?? Hold on...

Griffin: Yeah hold on... it could have been anything and what you did was like the craziest homemade home defense implement that I've ever heard of.

Clint: It's very Kevin from-

Travis: And then it falls on Joe Pesci!

Clint: It's home alone. it's absolutely home alone and it's real hot so it's going to leave an impression on his face.

Griffin: Yeah, it looks like Buzz's tarantula.

[in-the-zone]

Return of the Double Barreled Unicorn Special: This Time With 100% Less Horror!

Merle: Garyl, get me there!

Garyl: Absolutely, you got a range of 100 feet homie so it's no problem.

Griffin: Holy shit that's INSANE RANGE.

Garyl: I'm a HOOOOOOOOOORSE.

Griffin: Ok. So the horse, Garyl, is it a horse or a unicorn because we keep interchanging it...

Clint: Unicorn!

Garyl: I look like a unicorn.

Clint: But it's just a glandular condition?

Garyl: But it's a spectral... I mean I'm a... I have no... I'm whatever Taako wants me to be, whatever he wants me to look like. Look! Looklooklook at him right now-

Travis: -and Taako flicks his wrist and Garyl has a second horn all of a sudden.

Garyl: Check that shit out.

Griffin: So we have a word for those actually, that's a deer.

Garyl: Naw, nawnawnawnawnawnaw naww. Deer don't have...

Clint: He's got one on his nose like a rhino and one on his head like a-

Travis: He's a binicorn!

Garyl: I'm a binicorn. I got two rainbow colored horns comin' offa me and it's amaaazinggggg.

Clint: *singing* Garyl the binicorn~

[in-the-zone]

To Infinity And Beyond

Griffin: That was a 14? I'm guessing that's not gonna hit you Merle.

Clint: Woo! Dodge!

Griffin: ...can you confirm or deny? What's your AC number?

Clint: My AC number... is.... ......twenty..... twenty one?

Griffin: Holy shit... No. Not possible.

Travis: Mine's only 17!

Griffin: Unpossible.

Clint: 18! 18, sorry.

Griffin: Justin, what's Garyl's AC?

Justin: Infinite.

Griffin: *cracking up* THIS IS.... THIS CAN'T BE. Let's take a break and let's go to the commercial break and during that we're gonna suss out some numbers VIS A VIE Garyl.

[in-the-zone]

Turnabout's Fair Play

Griffin: ...there's no discernable means of propulsion on this crate it's just a big crate coming up through the wasteland...

Travis: Uh Ditto how long do I have to wait before I can jump on the chariot?

Griffin: Well you have to wait until your turn-

Travis: Ughhhh I hate this game.

Griffin: Yeah it's a stupid game...

Travis: STUPID GAME WITH TURNS

[in-the-zone]

I can BOARly believe what I'm seeing!

Griffin: From behind you you hear a beastial roar-

Travis: Klarg.

Griffin: No it's actually... you see push its way out of the dust cloud you just emerged from... you see a gigantic armored boar. With two tusks that seem to have been shaved down to be these serrated blades on the front of its face. This boar is a little bit bigger than your battlewagon. It is ginormous.

Clint: That's a big boar.

Griffin: It's a big ole boar.

Travis: In character Magnus looks back and smiles really big. He likes the idea of fighting a giant metal boar.

Griffin: It's not just a... it's not a metal boar it's armored. It's not a robo-boar although...

Travis: Awww man...

Griffin: Shit that would have been cool.

[in-the-zone]

DM Appreciation

Griffin: In fact, just a few short moments after you hear that massive explosion and the three horns that followed, your battlewagon emerges from this dust cloud that you have been sort of pushing through this entire race. And you do see the Raven's winged longboat just ahead. It's about a hundred yards ahead of you kicking up a straight line of dust as it sort of hovers over the desert...

Travis: Hey Griffin?

Griffin: Yeah?

Travis: Can I just say real quick, this is like a really good D&D campaign you've written... I just realized I was sitting here on the edge of my seat, adrenaline-fueled like ALL RIGHT HURRGHYES!!!

Griffin: Thank you!

Travis: I just wanted to say thank you you've done a great job.

Griffin: It's you guys that make the magic in me.

[in-the-zone]

Garyl Miles per Hour

Justin: The problem is gonna be this that we're gonna haveta... This is probably too nitpicky for our game but what SPEED are the battlewagons going at?

Griffin: Approximately Garyl miles per hour.

Clint: Garyl miles an hour!

Justin: Perfect ok.

Griffin: Are you kidding me? I'm not going to ruin your fantastical visions with a thing as ridiculous as speed differentials.

Travis: Also it's a quasi-real horse-like steed! Are we really gonna get into physics?

Griffin: He's running very very fast.

Travis: He's a magical unicorn horse! I don't know that math applies!

[in-the-zone]

The tank base of this gumball-octopus-battlewagon starts to veer to the left and then it corrects too much to the right and then it just flips over the side that you busted the treads off of and goes spinning wildly, dangerously back into the dust cloud behind you where you can't see it. You actually see Hurley look back and go, "God I hope they're ok..." BSHKEWWWWWWW!! You see a giant giant giant explosion piercing through the dust cloud behind you and then you hear three horns blast from the pylons on either side of the course and Hurley winces.

Dungeonmaster Griffin

[in-the-zone]

A large, quasi-real horse-like creature appears on the ground. I decide the creature's appearance so it looks like a beautiful unicorn. It's got a big unicorn horn in rainbow colors. His name is Garyl it's like Gary and Darryl mixed together. I've done more character work on Garyl than I did on Taako. And Garyl... you can hear Erasure just like floating through the wind and Garyl appears underneath Merle and with a perfectly tonal whinny that raises through the octaves Garyl appears below Merle, catching him effortlessly. His mane is more of a mullet but he is making it work. That's the most amazing thing about Garyl.

Justin McElroy, summoning Garyl for the first time

[in-the-zone]

Puzzling it Out

Leon: Anybody else? Anybody want to go next?

Taako: I'll go!

Leon: Ok! Pop that bad boy in there!

Taako: (after a long pause) I have a coin!

Leon: Yes! Just go ahead and put it right... put it right in the machine and let's see! I can't wait!

Justin: I hand him my coin.

Leon: Ok but you have to... you have to put it in the machine? There's like a whole...

Clint: You have to crank yourself.

Leon: ...fate and chance and divine intervention thing that I set up for you so...

Taako: Where does the coin go?

Leon: Into the.. coin shaped hole?

Taako: Excellent.

Leon: On the front of the machine just...

Taako: *slyly* Good news I've solved your puzzle.

Leon: Well um...

Justin: I take the coin back.

Leon: Ok... so I'm gonna...

Justin: I put it in the slot.

Leon: You take it and you put it right in the slot good we're halfway there now just crank that handle to the RIGHT to the right. To the right.

Merle: *whispering* To the LEFT.

Leon: No, to the right.

Taako: To the right?

Leon: Yes to the right. Yes. Now we're doing the goddamn cupid shuffle now so go ahead and...

Justin: I roll an insight check.

Griffin: Ok... *disbelieving* ... on what??

Justin: On the guy. To see if he's telling the truth about turning to the right.

Griffin: *laughing* Ok go ahead and roll a d20...

Justin: 15!

Griffin: Ok yeah he's telling the ABSOLUTE TRUTH. You can try turning to the left.

Justin: I crank to the left.

Griffin: It doesn't. It just doesn't go. There's some sort of mechanism in there that is preventing it from turning left.

Justin: I crank right.

Griffin: Ok. You crank it to the right and roll a d20.

Justin: 16.

Griffin: 16! OK! So another very small capsule pops out of the door at the bottom of the chamber and you pop it open and find a blue steel ring... um...

Travis: It causes you to pose for modeling constantly.

[in-the-zone]

Let Us Never Speak Of This Again

Leon: Oh this is actually a very interesting item! This is called the True Heart Clasp. You wear it on your ear and it aids you in knowing a person's true intentions.

Clint: Oooh!

Griffin: Which in game terms means that on INSIGHT checks, which are what you do to tell if somebody's telling you the TRUTH or if they have an ULTERIOR MOTIVE. Sort of knowing the intention behind a person's words and actions. Whenever you make one of those checks you'll get plus 2 to it and advantage on EVERY insight check.

Clint: Excellent.

Justin: Nice.

Clint: I put on the earring!

[cartilagehead]

*hooting and hollering like a fool*

[in-the-zone]

He Is Risen

Griffin: You're jumping onto a car that is driving at ramming speed toward the car that you are currently standing on you're both jumping simultaneously.

----------

Travis: I rolled a 19.

Justin: Ho. Lee. Shit.

Clint: I rolled a 1.

Griffin: Oh man...

Travis: ...maybe I do take him with me.

Justin: *chidingly to Travis: No no no no no no no we're here.

---------

Clint: So basically I just like hopped up in the air 6 inches and then came right back down.

Griffin: Yeah you didn't really do much of anything there...

----------

Justin: Is Merle in danger?

Griffin: Yeah we're in slow mo time. We're in bullet time. Merle is upsidedown, he jumped way too early and not very far, he has basically jumped and he's up in the air and it looks like he's going to land in front of Hurley's battlewagon.

Justin: I focus ALL my energy and wait to cast the fucking spell that I have been wanting to cast and have not had the opportunity to until just this moment. A bolt of light erupts from the umbra staff and underneath of Merle appears..... A PHANTOM STEED.

[in-the-zone]

Spinning Wildly Out Of Control

Hurley: Get ready to jump!

Magnus: *yelling* What? ...what did she say?

Merle: That she wants us to hump.

Magnus: She's... dirty bird.

Merle: She is.

Hurley: Yeah I do but that's a later thing! Just kidding!

Clint: Attention fan fictioneers!

Griffin: No. You can't. Don't. Please don't. Burn your computer. Put your computer down the garbage disposal.

[in-the-zone]

Octo-goodbye

Travis: Griffin I would like to help the octopus up.

Griffin: Yeah you look down and you see this pathetic-looking octopus... six of its tentacles are just sort of waving behind it as it uses its suckers to hold onto the base of the tank.

Travis: I help him up.

Taako: That's good eatin!

Griffin: ...you shout from 30 feet away in another car.

Taako: *muffled* That's good eatin!

Griffin: Ok you reach down and you grab one of the tentacles of this blue-spotted octopus and you pull it up and what're you gonna do with it?

Travis: Can I throw it at the drivers?

Griffin: They're in kind of an enclosed tank... I mean you can it might spook 'em.

Travis: I'm gonna do that.

Griffin: Ok you throw it and you hear a *splorch* as it suction cups onto the front almost like one of those... Garfields that people put up on their window. Says like 'hang in there'? And it doesn't seem to have any effect. They actually turn on the windshield wipers and you see the octopus go flying off the right side.

Travis: Aw man... I feel bad. I feel like people are gonna be upset that the octopus got hurt.

Clint: He was becoming a fan favorite.

Justin: Yeah. Beloved character.

Griffin: Well you guys didn't kill him. And that's rare. Actually as you see him fly off in the distance, you see one of those safety bubbles pop out from the tiny octopus harness he was wearing. So he's ok everybody. Now he is... he is in the desert somewhere and that's not where octopus love to be...

[in-the-zone]

That's Some Bull Right There

Travis: ...and I still need to make a [strength saving throw] right?

Griffin: We'll resolve that first. Go ahead and.. Magnus make a strength saving throw.

Travis: Uhhh well that went... uh... well I HAVE advantage from the bull... so that was a 13...

Griffin: What? No you don't have... oh.. yeah-

Travis: Strength of bull

Griffin: yeah yeah yeah yeah

Clint: Yeah. You're WELcome.

Travis: So that's 24.

Griffin: Ah man I wanted you to fall off so bad...

Travis: Yeah, you're a turd that's why.

Griffin: You're still holding onto the side of the car.