my dumb thoughts

just a journal of my rather less than desirable life

[inadequateatbest]

i want to go off but idk where to start so lets just write out a list and go from there

1. Brennan blowing off talking to me for drinking

2. Brennan not following through on slowing down his drinking

3. Me for letting this get to me

4. I want a girl gang

5. I want a better life but idk where to start or who to cut out

6. Dont tell me its my break week when im stuck by myself with my parents to entertain me

7. Third year fucked me up and I dont even know who I can talk to

8. Im just MAD

9. Why is it i always apologize???? why am i always guilted into that. WHy cant people give a shit about me

10. Im so tired of being mad and fucked up by the year

11. I WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PRINCESS FOR LIKE, A HOT MINUTE AT LEAST. I WANNA FEEL LOVED AND TAKEN CARE OF. im always taking care of others and im wanting something in return and im REAL close to going off on brennan

12. idk how to go into any of this because i wanna talk to brenn but hes busy getting drunk and ignoring me

13. shit like this makes me think i deserve better, boy better smarten up

[inadequateatbest]

[inadequateatbest]

i need someone who puts me first. not all the time but a lot of the time. i dont want to question where i stand with them. i want to just know. and i just dont know right now

[inadequateatbest]

just another failed job interview under my belt huh

and i was so hoping to get it. i could still get it, but something tells me i wont. something told me i wouldnt the minute brenn finished his interview there. i couldnt compete with that. and its fine im glad he got a job. 

im just sad i couldnt.

[wormpretzal]

i made some sharks im bored hhhhh

[wormpretzal]

people really like these boys huh?

[wormpretzal]

I made more because i have no self control

[wormpretzal]

hey.

i got a surprise for you

[mias-back-from-the-dead]

@elodieunderglass a blessed thing with legs

[elodieunderglass]

that’s uhhhhhhhhhh

[coeurvrai]

@whatsonandfrick

[venomawakens1984-deactivated201]

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Dan’s pre-NSP poem from when he was in college.

[fyeahgrumpsaudio]

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directly relates to this beautiful post xxx

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[inadequateatbest]

[inadequateatbest]

i just wanna know what it is that gets to me. why im so fucking sensitive. 

Brennan is honestly not aware of the things it is that so easily get to me, and i cant try subtlety but i never want to be that blunt because im afraid of coming off poorly. and that happens so much more often than not. with sheniqua. chase. i always act like it never gets to me but it does. because im sensitive. and im always afraid of not being enough. i never seem to be for anyone. not even myself. yet i cant bring myself to fix that. i cant bring myself to tell brennan that the little thing he did got to me. i can let the personality thing slide because thats who he is but, i dont know why i never try harder to stand up for myself and what gets to me. its easier when hes around. but i still feel like a motherfucking idiot. 

never good enough. never smart enough. funny enough. pretty enough. a try hard who desperately wants to be different and enough for people she loves. cause she care too fucking much about others, and puts them and their well being above herself. who avoids confrontation and arguments because shes hopelessly pathetic. 

i would go outside but im scared, mostly not for me though. idk if i care if i get hurt tn. which is the worst part, if i let this fucking mentality continue im gonna hurt myself. liking people hurts. i put too much in or not enough and it hurts.

i just want to know what got me to this point today, i had a really good day too. i ran. i ate foods that made me happy. i didnt stress over work. i got some christmas shopping done. but still i had to become a miserable old coot because one little thing got to me a triggered this entire shit show i call my train of thought. this didnt even help me think things through, i just got to get some sort of thought out instead of thinking myself to death. sometimes i think i do it for attention because i cant vocalize my thoughts. im that pathetic. i cant use my words to express myself, i can barely draw to express myself. im like a baby and i cry and make noises hoping that i can get some sort of empathy. get someone to listen and understand and help. but theres no one. 

it hurts because i cant bring myself to talk to brennan about it, and hes now playing league. which also kind of hurts. like im not enough to keep him entertained so i get really quiet. and then its almost like he forgets me. i just want to love and be loved and not have all this anxiety over it. 

fuck. 

[inadequateatbest]

sometimes i think i dont suffer anxiety? like i dont have the symptoms but then i get like this. i get nitpicky and distant. my arms and hands feel weak, almost shakey but they arent shaking yknow? shits not always gonna be the classic shaking, heart pounding, darting eyes. i guess for me its more...like i said. nit picky, quiet, distant, no appetite, even a lil snarky. itssss great. i should really reinstall SAMapp so i can log it and track it. cause its been a while.

i need one to track my fucking breakdowns too cause im getting tired of them happening at random? like wow why am i sad. i think its tied to anxiety cause when i get anxious i start thinking too much about myself and my inabilities. which yknow i get sad about. all full of self pity. woe is me lol

[inadequateatbest]

i have so many thoughts but i figured it out but idk i think i have a big ol gay crush or maybe i just like the idea of her idk. i just want it to go away cause i have no time to deal with this shit. like i mean yes weve slept together but that means nothing it was a no strings attached thing. i was fine but then she sent a snap and she was with another girl which the reasonable part of mybrain is like oh yea good for her maybe a bit soon after her break up but whatever none of my business. but then good ol right brain with the feelings and shit just wanted to remind me it couldve been me if i didnt fuck up even though all i did was be myself and whatever its fine. i did my best to be myself and thats all that matters. but the more i tell myself i dont care and really have that idgaf moods i honestly just start acting more and more like myself i think? idk but thats ok.

she and i went out last night with one of her friends and i think her friend lowkey thought she and i should be together but hey idk im probably just being hopeful. i will eventually get over this shit but i dont see that happening soon. its nice to be friends with her too and i cant wait for whatever this is to be over. were supposed to go osheaga together and im not in the mood to deal with this shit in august. but also lowkey hoping she actually realizes shes looking for someone like me. really relaxed and easy going, someone who will go out but also loves to just sit around and watch netflix or whatever. but hey she likes pretty girls with attitude or pretty girls who are boring. at least i dont fit into that??? maybe i do since i was just a month long no strings attached fling. fuck it though i just wish i wasnt so obsessed over the topic. id love to have someone im into like me but so far no ones my type which kinda sucks but i cant do shit about it. so fuck it right?

on top of that i found out on of my classmates has passed away this week and im not sure how to react to it. like i wasnt close and i didnt like her much and im sure she wasnt my biggest fan but still it came as such a shock. its so confusing as to what i should be feeling, i dont feel guilty cause i didnt interact enough with her but i still did say shit about her kinda. i wouldnt have if she hadnt been a bit of a jerk to me. i feel a little guity about not really feeling one way or a another about the topic. i mean i feel bad but its surreal. its a lot harder seeing my classmates deal with this. some have cried, some blame themselves. some remain emotionless like myself. we’ll see what happens wont we. 

on the plus side my baby sister is coming up this weekend to spend a night and im really excited cause as much as she can drive me insane, im so glad were close. shes honestly a really kind and understanding person and i would definitely call her one of my best friends, no word of a lie. shes great and i adore her. and i wish i had half the social skills she had. 

anyway its 1 am i have an early morning class but im awake and feeling self pity cause what else would i be doing? im just gonna tell myself that my person will come along. im far too busy to rush into anything or feel bad about this. i deserve someone wonderful and i deserve someone who treats me right. i deserve someone who loves me as much as i love them, who makes me a better version of myself, someone amazing even with their flaws. i know youre out there and i hope things work out for us both, i cant wait to meet you.

[inadequateatbest]

I miss the woods

[inadequateatbest]

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[inadequateatbest]

Also i broke up with alex 6 weeks after us being a thing.

[inadequateatbest]

I return ages later I had a panic attack last night. My brains xmas gift to me. I blame my fam for being assholes. Oh and heres a thing Grandpa told me that i should stop talking so much and work harder and get a job (with my 7 class semester) and i shouldnt dye my hair or wear make up its not what people want in me. He also got me a prayer book. BUT IM SO ANGRY AT HIM. Besides my grandfather sucking at being a grandfather. Ive been kinda shitty again. Ive been tempted to relapse and dig a blade into my arm but i didnt. Good for me i managed to do something a normal person does. They dont even think about it. Uhm... ive just been all over the place and im stressed and i fluctuate between depression and anxiety and which one will control me that minute or hour or day or werk or month. Im lovin life clearly.

[inadequateatbest]

more anxiety attacks, this one went into a panic attack or to be more understandable just more intese. so like shaking and crying and breathing problems as my heart raced. but kels wanted to talk so i had to bottle it up really fast. now im just in this weird place. im both temoted to go on that walk with alex and also not....

i dunno