years ago, i went to hike a peak named Seongsan Ilchulbong after hours of riding old bus around the island. while standing there at the peak, with hills and cold wind, and i was thinking, i wish my father can see the crater and the sea. what a sight. it was beautiful. i still remember vividly the little house, humans and a vast amount of water in the horizon.
my memories blurry but the same time my father was struggling in the hospital bed. what a joke of wish i had.
why did i wish something like that.
i should’ve just jump when i reach the peak.
i keep thinking about it for years now.
about the peak. about my wish. about the choice i made that day. would it been better if i just take one look, one breathe and one jump.
and keep writing about it on my notes. i have been trying to remember the bus route i took that day.
but my memories only goes along this much.
however,
i remember it clearly that gloomy day and the cold wind from the peak. i remember clearly how i felt that day.
i should’ve just jump that time.
maybe i won’t have to struggle this much only to keep afloat when even breathing feels so hard.
maybe i would’ve not been knowing how painful it is to open my eyes every morning and seeing my will to life slips away bit by bit.
should i have jumped that day? instead of wishing to see that scenery with my father.
i’ve write countless note about it everywhere.
wondering if i should recreate the memories and took different choice this time.
i always wondering
what could’ve happened if i took the other route that day
would i suffer this much?
im so tired it does not make sense.
