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Craig: hey are you free tonight?

Tweek: no one is free under capitalism

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Cartman: can you GAYS stop posting drag race spoilers

Craig: rupaul fucking DIES

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Tweek: I’m a little nervous…

Craig: first time jitters?

Tweek: n-no I’ve had jitters before

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Wendy: you two would look cute together!

Tweek: what?

Craig: she’s shipping us

Tweek: to where???

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Tweek: my dad says if I don’t get my grades up he’s not gonna let me get my tetanus shot this year

Craig: that sucks what are you gonna do?

Tweek: fuckin study I guess

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Pajama Day

Craig @ Kenny: nice onesie, does it come in men’s?

Kenny: I think you cum in men enough for all of us

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Tweek and Craig on the phone

Craig: I’m breaking up-

Tweek: I’M PREGNANT

Craig:

Craig: I meant the call is breaking up

Tweek: sorry I panicked

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Tweek: We should be partners.

Craig: You mean like, partners in crime?

Tweek: Yeah... that’s precisely what I meant.

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Clyde: So, I heard you like bad boys… I time travel in Animal Crossing.

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Craig: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!

Tweek: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!

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Clyde: If we were in prison you guys would be like my bitches.

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Craig: Did Tweek just tell me he loved me for the first time?

Tolkien: Yeah, he did.

Craig: And did I just do finger guns back?

Tolkien: Yeah, you did.

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Craig: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.

Clyde: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?

Tolkien: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.

Tweek, flustered: Guys.

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Craig: So, what's for dinner?

Tweek, staring at the food he burnt: Regret.

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Clyde: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?

Jimmy: Ex-ex-excuse me Mx. Would-would you give me the ho-ho-honors of indulging in sex-sex-sssexual activities with you?

Craig: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

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Clyde: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?

Craig: The final boss.

Tolkien: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?

Clyde: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!

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Clyde: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us.

Tolkien: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:

Tolkien: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."