Hogan's Heroes Misquoted

The title says it all.

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Is this page still active or no? Just curious.

Hello! This blog is stuck in limbo as I no longer have the time to run it, but I don't want to deactivate it.

~Mod

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Newkirk: Wait, Carter knows how to drive a tank?

Carter: Yeah! It's like a big car!

Carter: Only there's no steering wheel, so it's easier!

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Burkhalter: Well, Klink, I seem to have underestimated you.

Klink: Yes, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.

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Newkirk: gotta love knitting needles. i can make a scarf. i can make a hat. i can stab your eyes out. i can make mittens

Kinch: what was that middle part?

Newkirk: i can make a hat

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Hogan: I have a way, but it’s going to be dangerous.

Lebeau: Like “eating a sandwich with toothpicks in” dangerous?

Hogan: Even more dangerous than that.

Carter: Like eating a bomb?

Hogan: In between.

Carter, nodding: Like eating a firecracker.

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Hogan: Synchronize your watches.

Carter: I don’t know how to do that.

Lebeau: I don’t have a watch.

Kinch: Time is a construct.

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I came here to do my nails and make out with Hogan, and I’m all out of nail polish.

Hilda

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Kinch, watching Carter chug a glass of milk:

Carter: Want some?

Kinch: Nah, I’m lactose intolerant.

Carter: Oh, same.

Kinch: Wha— CARTER!

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Klink: I know you snuck out last night, Newkirk.

Newkirk, internally: Play dumb!

Newkirk: Who’s Newkirk?

Newkirk, internally: Not that dumb!

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New Year's

Hogan, raising his glass: I would like to offer a toast

Hogan: I cannot believe we’ve already gone through another twelve months of absolute fuckery

Hogan: Cheers, boys

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Kinch: Have the locators detected the outer edge of the attacking forces yet?

Carter: [looks at his panel] No. Yes! No... Maybe.

Kinch: Which is it, Carter?

Carter: [looks again] It's "Maybe."

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I hit rock bottom that night. I mean I literally fell to the bottom of the tunnel entrance and hit a rock. I remember laying there thinking, ‘There’s probably a good reason why I’m down here.’ And then I remember thinking, 'I need morphine.’

Carter, recalling falling into an exposed tunnel entrance

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Hogan: So. Who broke it? I’m not mad. I just want to know.

Carter: I did. I broke it...

Hogan: No. No, you didn’t. Newkirk?

Newkirk: Don’t look at me. Look at Lebeau.

Lebeau: What?! I didn’t break it.

Newkirk: Huh. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?

Lebeau: Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken!

Newkirk: Suspicious.

Lebeau: No it’s not!

Kinch: If it matters, probably not... Olsen was the last one to use it.

Olsen: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!

Kinch: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Olsen: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Kinch!

Carter: Alright let's not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, Hogan.

Hogan: No. Who broke it?

Newkirk: [whispering] Hogan, Crittendon's been awfully quiet...

Crittendon: Really?!

Kinch: Yeah, really!

…

Hogan: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.

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Carter: Imagine being completely naked in front of a room full of people who speak a different language and all want to touch you.

Carter: That’s a dog’s life

Newkirk: Carter, please. It’s 1 am.

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Klink: Hogan’s been a lot more creative lately, don’t you think?

Schultz: I try not to.

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I always tell my men, you’re either the tortoise or the hare, but honestly Crittendon? Somehow you’re neither.

Hogan to Crittendon, probably

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LeBeau: ay Newkirk, I made you a cake!

Cake: *says “fuck you” in cursive with a heart*