Incorrect Soukoku Quotes

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: *smiling* If you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee.

Chuuya: *grimacing* If you were my husband… I’d drink it!

[incorrect-soukoku]

Ranpo: I don't think we shoull be focusing on Verlaine. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats. You could smell crazy on him.

Chuuya: Have care how you speak. Paul Verlaine is beyond reason, but he is of the Port Mafia, and he is my brother.

Dazai : He Killed 80 people in two days.

PM:

ADA:

Chuuya: He’s adopted.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: The party is not happening. That means we’re just in a hotel in Sendai. This is a nightmare.

Kunikida: I learned a bunch of new dance moves for tonight. Ones where you move your butt.

Yosano: Ugh, screw this. I'm gonna get a ride back to Yokohama with some drifter.

Dazai: No, we came here to blow off steam and we're not gonna give up yet 'cause we're the Armed Detective Agency. We're gonna take matters into our own hands ADA style. That's right, my friends. The ADA is throwing a big...[Pause,turns to CHUUYA] Babe, can I borrow $200 for alcohol?

Chuuya: Mm-hmm.

Dazai: The ADA is throwing a party!

[incorrect-soukoku]

Atsushi: Wow, that was... That was intense. What was that thing?

Akutagawa: I dunno what they're called, but the Forest is full of them.

Atsushi: Wow! Well, I'm really glad you came along! Thank you! For rescuing me...and for being so beautiful.

Akutagawa: What?

Atsushi: Brave. *Clears throat* Thank you for being so brave, not beautiful. Wow. Sorry. That was- *Laughs* That was weird. I don't know why I said that. I think some of those-toxins must still be messing with my head, you know? Making me say cuh-razy things. I don't... think you're beautiful. Not that you're ugly! I mean, obviously you're not ugly, I just mean if I had to choose. Y'know? If you put a sword to my head and said "Am I attractive or ugly? Pick one!" Obviously, I'd have to say you're attractive because objectively, that's just fact. But it's not like you're so attractive I can't stop looking at you, y'know what I mean? Am I talking a lot? I feel like I'm talking a lot.

Akutagawa: *Unamused* You are.

[incorrect-soukoku]

[ATSUSHI has just turned down a job offered by the Port Mafia Boss, DAZAI]

Atsushi: That was a test, right? There is nobody back there?

Dazai: Yes, you passed. All right, skedaddle there, young buck.

Atsushi: Thank you, Dazai-san. Thank you [Leaves].

Dazai: Yeah, thank you.

Hirotsu: Told you he’s a good kid.

Dazai: [Smiles]

Chuuya: [Opens the door to a room full of Port Mafia members] Where’s the kid?

Hirotsu: He left.

Chuuya: Everyone is waiting.

Dazai: You know, he actually made a really mature choice. It just surprised the heck out of us.

Chuuya: *pause* Did you guys screw this up?

Dazai: [pointing at HIROTSU] He told the kid to go wait in the car.

Chuuya: *Annoyed* Are you kidding me?

Hirotsu: *stutters*

Chuuya: I have a room full of people in there waiting for some big announcement. What am I going to tell them?

Dazai: Think of something. How about…hmm? Hirotsu, you still got that ring?

Hirotsu: Do I — ? I —?

Dazai: The engagement ring.

Hirotsu: Are you kidding? I’ve been carrying this since 2010. [Pulls out a ring]

Chuuya: …

Dazai: …Okay…

Chuuya: I think I can think of something better than that.

Dazai: Well, it would buy us a little time. [CHUUYA kisses him] Like we need time.

Chuuya: [Walking back into the room] I can’t believe you have that in your pocket…

Dazai: Want me to get the door for you, Slug~?

Chuuya: I’ve got it.

Dazai: [Follows after him while sneakily catching ring being thrown his way]

Hirotsu: [Smiles]

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: Bitch, do you want me to jump across this table? Because I don’t have all day for this, okay?!

Dazai: *smirking* You feeling froggy? Leap.

Chuuya: Okay, well, here I come! [Lunges for DAZAI]

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: Do you truly think so little of me?

Chuuya: Dazai, I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever. But, at the end of the day, you're you and I'm me…I don't know, maybe there's still mafia in you, but let's be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago.

Dazai: [Pause] Yeah… It's probably for the best that we never see one another again.

Chuuya: That's what you’ve always wanted.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: [with his morning coffee] Ah, spring is on its way. Pop music is back. Coffee's almost warm. It's gonna be a good day.

Dazai: [Walking in] Good morning, everyone.

Chuuya: [Dumps coffee] Well, try again tomorrow.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: Okay, listen... We just gotta stop hanging out with geniuses because you're gonna figure out that I'm really stupid.

Dazai: What? Don't worry about that.

Chuuya: *smiling* Hmm?

Dazai: I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.

Chuuya: *contemplating murder*

[incorrect-soukoku]

Atsushi: I’m texting Akutagawa, I’m gonna ask him to dinner. How should I text it, “Let’s get dinner” or “Do you wanna get dinner”?

Kunikida: Go with, “Let’s get dinner”, so you’re like assertive and confident.

Atsushi: For sure!

Yosano: Actually now you sound a little aggressive. Cause you don’t wanna be the guy that’s like “LET’S GET DINNER” like you’re some kind of caveman.

Dazai: You are suppose to ask him to dinner, not tell him to dinner.

Atsushi: Perfect.

Ranpo: Actually wait, now you sound kinda like a pussy.

Atsushi: This is tough.

Yosano: The last thing you wanna be is the overly masculine guy like “LET’S GET DINNER I’M THE BREADWINNER BITCH”.

Ranpo: But guys also love assertiveness.

Kenji: Say “dinner is something I would enjoy taking you on if you were also interested in attending the meal.”

Atsushi: The more words the better.

Tanizaki: No wait, say “I would like nothing more than to take you to the finest restaurant in town for a lovely meal we call dinner.”

Atsushi: Should I send that in a voice memo?

Dazai: Fuck that, say “Dinner tonight, 7PM, take it or leave it, you bitch.” Cause he’s playing games now.

Ranpo: Sign it, seal it, deliver it.

Yosano: I don’t know why gays are so difficult all the time.

Atsushi: I’m not gonna say that.

Kunikida: Definitely don’t say that.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Atsushi: Hey, I've been tailing Chuuya, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.

Dazai: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.

Atsushi: Well, you don't have to.

Dazai: No, I'm gonna.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: Hey.

Dazai: Hey.

Chuuya: Hey. Um...When we were dating, did...did I make you feel needed?

Dazai: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.

Chuuya: *Sighs* That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry.

Dazai: Wait. Where are you go...That's a compliment. You're the least-needy partner I've ever met. That's awesome. I mean, no guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Chuuya Nakahara. You're your own daddy...and mommy...and weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun...blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing...strong...independent man I've ever banged.

Chuuya: *softly* Thanks, Dazai. You know, um, there's something that I wanted to ask you. *Stands closer* I don't really know how to say it...so here goes.

Dazai: [Dazed, looking at CHUUYA]

Chuuya: *Deadpan* Who's the crazy chick in the apron?

Sasaki: Someone naughty left his toys on the floor...and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.

Dazai: Uh-oh. I'm in twubble!

Chuuya: *incredulously* You did it. How?

Dazai: Last night after admitting defeat, I just let myself go.

[Flashback]

Sasaki: Mmm! That looks so good. Can I have some?

Dazai: No! It's my ice cream. You can't have any.

Sasaki: Someone needs to teach you how to share…Who's your mommy?

[End Flashback]

Dazai: Challenge completed! *laughs* Mmm. Now, uh, can you get this freak outta here? I'm really scared.

Chuuya: [Rolls sleeves]I got this.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: *Picking fights cause he’s bored* I think we should breakup, I don’t think this is working.

Chuuya: *Used to his bullshit* Okay.

Dazai: *Genuinely annoyed* That’s all you got? Okay?!

Chuuya: Well, what did you expect? That we cuddle?

Dazai: Fuck you!

[incorrect-soukoku]

Higuchi: Sir, I got a clean shot on the only one in the office. Just give the word.

Akutagawa: Fire on three, two…

Chuuya: What are you guys doing?

Akutagawa: I… You. We’re here to save you.

Chuuya: *Tearfully* You were gonna… save me?

Akutagawa: It was a really good plan, too.

Chuuya: Well, I can go back inside, and you can still do it.

Tachihara: That’s patronizing.

Chuuya: [Tearfully hugs Akutagawa]

Akutagawa: Yeah, no, it’s not… *sigh*

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: Oh yeah, we’re, uh…yeah we’re not together.

Goon: Oh. Okay. *Laughs* Something didn’t quite add up there.

Dazai: What’s that supposed to mean?

Chuuya: Dazai!

Goon: Well, you…him…*laughs* I mean he’s very…you know. And you’re like…you know.

Dazai: Not that it’s any of your business, but we did go out.

Goon: Really? You two?

Dazai: Yeah, Chibi?

Chuuya: Come on. I really don’t wanna be doing this right now. I’m carrying a very heavy load.

Dazai: Then tell him quickly.

Chuuya: *Groans* Fine. We went out.

Dazai: Not only did we go out, we did it. 298 times.

Chuuya: Shitty Dazai! Oh my..ugh! You kept count? You are such a loser.

Dazai: A loser you did it with 298 times!

[incorrect-soukoku]

Akutagawa: Hey, uh, Jinko, remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about?

Atsushi: Oh, no, no! Ah-h-h!

Akutagawa: I’m not gonna tell you!…but if you found out on your own that would be okay, and then we could talk about it, right?

Atsushi: Well then it wouldn’t be a secret, so, yeah, that would be okay. Yeah, yeah.

Akutagawa: Yeah. [Pause] Hey, uh, Jinko would you mind going over into Dazai-san’s dorm and getting that book back that he, uh, borrowed from me?

Atsushi: *Panicking* Now? You want me to go over there now?

Akutagawa: Hmm, yeah.

Atsushi: *Suspiciously* Do you know something?

Akutagawa: Do you know something?

Atsushi: I might know something.

Akutagawa: I might know something, too.

Atsushi: What’s the thing you know?

Akutagawa: Oh no. I can’t tell you until you tell me what you know.

Atsushi: I can’t tell you what I know.

Akutagawa: Then, I can’t tell you.

Atsushi: Okay, fine.

Akutagawa: Fine.

Atsushi: *Scoffs* You don’t know.

Akutagawa: Alright, how about I go over there and I will walk into Dazai’s dorm and I will see the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know.

Atsushi: *Gasps* You know!

Akutagawa: And you know!

Atsushi: Yeah, I know!

Akutagawa: Dazai and Chuuya-san?! Oh, this is unbelievable! How long have you known?!

Atsushi: Too long! Oh my god, Ryu. I’ve been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! But listen, listen.

Akutagawa: Okay.

Atsushi: You can’t say anything to anybody. They’re so weird about that. Listen…

Kyouka: [Enters the room]

Atsushi and Akutagawa: Hey-y-y!

Atsushi: Kyouka-chan!

Kyouka: Hey. It’s raining. I don’t like to practice in the rain, so…

Atsushi: Oh! I am gonna go for a walk in the rain. Haha! [Exits]

Akutagawa: Oh, yeah, me too. [Follows]

Kyouka: That’s weird. [Pause] I bet they’re doing it.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: Arrange the marriage!

Port Mafia: *cheers and applause*

Chuuya: Wait!

Dazai: What? You’re all I ever wanted. You’re beautiful!

Chuuya: Thank you. But what else?

Dazai: What else?

Chuuya: Is beauty all that matters to you?

Dazai: [Looks to Oda]

Oda: [Shakes his head]

Mori: Dazai… What else?

Dazai: I, uh… What else is there?

Hirotsu: *Buzzer noise*

[LATER - KOUYOU and CHUUYA prepare to leave]

Kouyou: We tried, boss. No one can say we didn’t try.

Mori: [Sobs.]

Kouyou: Say goodbye, Chuuya.

Chuuya: Goodbye.

Kouyou: Goodbye…?

Chuuya: Dazai.

Mori: [Nudges DAZAI]

Dazai: *whines* Boss.

Mori: Dazai!

Dazai: Goodbye, chibi.

Mori: All these years of planning… Wasted!

[KOUYOU and CHUUYA leave]

Oda: What else is there? He says, “Is beauty all that matters?” And you say, “What else is there?!”

Dazai: It was dumb, I know.

Oda: You should write a book. ‘How to Offend Men in Five Syllables or Less’.