Agent Faber: I believe you said that your childhood experience was satisfactory?
Toni: No, you misheard me, I said it was ‘sadness factory’
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@incorrectwilds
Agent Faber: I believe you said that your childhood experience was satisfactory?
Toni: No, you misheard me, I said it was ‘sadness factory’
Toni: Three years ago today, I married my best friend…
Toni: Shelby and Leah is still really mad about it but me and Fatin were drunk and thought it was funny
Toni: What happens when you die?
Leah: You go to heaven.
Toni: No, like,
Toni: Do I get your stuff?
Leah: Rachal just told me I only have four days to live.
Toni: You’re sick?
Leah: No, she just doesn’t like me.
Rachel: I’LL FUCK YOU UP ON TUESDAY!
Shelby, stroking Toni's hair: You’re so sleepy and adorable.
Toni, half asleep: I could literally kick your ass right now.
Shelby, looking at Toni with heart eyes: I know.
Toni: Fatin! What’re you doing today?
Fatin: Having my day ruined with whatever you’re about to ask me to do.
Toni: here’s a fun christmas idea. we’ll hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever else is underneath
Dot: we are not doing that
Leah: mistlefoe
Dot: Leah, no
Fatin: Dot completes me.
Leah: Um, hello?
Fatin: You’re nice too, Leah.
Leah: I’m your girlfriend.
Fatin: Ahh, but she’s my soulmate
Toni: i don’t even use tubberware anymore
Leah: what are you saying? say it again
Toni: tubberware
Shelby: say it again. slow
Toni: tubberware
Leah: slow, very slow – actually say the first syllable
Toni: tub
Leah: wrong
Toni: what do you mean, wrong?
Shelby: tupperware. tupper
Toni: it’s tupper?
Leah: it’s tupper, always has been, always will be
Toni: i thought it was tubberware because it kinda looks like a tub
*at the store*
Fatin: Excuse me? I lost my friend, Toni. Can I make an announcement?
Clerk: Of course.
Fatin: *leans into mic* Goodbye, you little shit.
Fatin: *gets a paper cut* OW! Son of a bi-
Shelby: Fatin! *gestures wildly to the child* CHILDREN!
Fatin: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiis-cuit…. Son of a biscuit…. that’s it.
Toni: Nice save!
Fatin: Yeah, fucking nailed it.
Shelby: Wh-? Fatin!
Shelby: We’ll handle this the way we always do!
Toni: Mental breakdowns?
Leah: Almost dying?
Shelby: No! By sticking together and never giving up!
Toni: You know I’m totally committed to you, right? I don’t want you thinking I’m some sort of player just because my game is so tight.
Shelby: ……Toni, your “game” was to pretend like me having lychee on my face was the funniest thing ever so you could touch my face, then staring at me till I kissed you.
Toni:……….I got that kiss tho.
Shelby: *Smiling* Yeah, you did.
Toni: Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my ankle?
Leah: Yes.
Toni: I was hula-hooping. I attend a class for fitness and for fun.
Leah: *whispers* Oh my god...
Toni: I’ve mastered all the moves – The Pizza Toss, The Tornado, The Scorpion, The Oopsie Doodle.
Leah: Why are you telling me all this?
Toni: *smirking* Because no one will ever believe you.
Leah: You sick, sick son of a bitch.
Doctor: name?
Fatin: Fatin Jadmani
Doctor: Sex?
Fatin: Three times a day.
Doctor: I meant male or female
Fatin: Doesn’t matter.
Fatin: I love people who are incredibly book smart but otherwise stupid as shit. Leah got a 4.0 GPA in college but had to ask me if there were calories in soap.
Toni: as far as plans go, this is not a good one.
Leah: This was your plan, Toni.
Toni: I didn't think you guys would agree.