Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die
How’s everyone and everything back home? My first two weeks at base have been really strange. I’m learning a lot. Just like Grandad said I would. Met a lot of guys too. Most of these fellas are pretty decent, save for the few who act like they’re the best the army’s got to offer when they can’t even shoot a rifle proper! Basic training is a real kick up the ass. I mean, I knew it would be hard, but not this hard! I’m sore all over all the time. But it ain’t nothin your Sprout can’t handle. I’m getting better already, and soon I’ll be able to lift more weight than Cousin Danny can! I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I finally beat him. He’ll be sorry for boastin bout his “muscles” then. Don’t expect too many calls from me. Phone calls have to be earned by units, and even then they time you. Crazy, huh? Anyway, there ain’t much to say. I’ll write as much as I can. Send my love to Micah and tell him to keep running track, cause he’s gonna need it if he wants to join the army like his big brother!
Don’t miss me too much. I’ll be back before you know it.
Sorry I haven’t written in so long. Things have been crazy here. Training takes up all my time. At the end of the day, I’m too tired to even blink, let alone write letters. I’m getting used to it though so I’ll try my hardest to write more. Thanks for your last letter. I’m glad to hear about Micah’s win at his track meet. He’s shaping up to be a proper jock. Who knows, he might even get one of those fancy letterman jackets soon. Send me a picture of him wearing it if he does. Did you guys hear about that rocket launch a few days ago? Man, that was something. They say it’s the first thing to reach space! Imagine that! A missile that can go to the stars. I’m trying not to focus on how terrifying a prospect that is for me and my unit. There’s been a ton of battles recently, and I can’t help but feel a little useless sitting around lifting weights and such. I want to be where the action is, out there helping my country! My time’s coming. I can feel it. They say my unit might be shipped off in a month or so. I can’t wait to finally do something real.
I think that’s it for now. Send my love to Lottie and ask her to write me back. Missing you guys a lot.
I hope you’re not too mad at me anymore. I know you ain’t happy about me joining the army, but I had to. What kind of American would I be if I didn’t? I’m real sorry that I upset you, but I miss you lots. I wish you’d write me. I’m sure my folks have told you how I’m getting on here, so I won’t bother repeating myself. They told me you come around every day. Thanks for that. They need you there with me gone. Especially Micah. Keep them happy for me. You don’t have to do much other than be there. You know how much they love you. You know how much I love you. And if you don’t, then it’s more than I can even tell you.
I’ve got to stop writing now, so sorry for the short letter. I know you want the best for me, Lottie but college can wait a while. I hope you can too.
Your favorite boy,
Jonny.
Haven’t written in a bit but I hope that phone call last week makes up for me. It was good to hear everyone’s voices again. I forgot how weird Micah sounds through the telephone. It gave me something to laugh about for a few days. I was just told that my unit is being shipped off in a few days. We’re going to some place called El Alamein. Some of the guys tell me it’s in Egypt. I’ve always wanted to see those pyramids. It’ll be a good change to be somewhere hot for once. Brooklyn is way too cold for anyone. I’m a little nervous but I’m sure it’s just cause I’m a first-timer. I’ve gotten a lot bigger since you saw me, Ma and Pa. I’ve got muscles on me now and I’m almost as broad as Cousin Danny. Micah sure would be jealous of me, if he could even recognize me. I’m sure you know this by the time this letter reaches you, but we lost the USS Hornet and the Enterprise got a little bit damaged. It’s not all bad though. The Japs lost many aircrafts too. Things are lookin alright for us, so far. You win some, you lose some, right? I’m hoping we win a hell of a lot more than we lose.
I’ll tell you guys about El Alamein when I get there. Think about that, my next letter will be from Egypt! Don’t worry about me too much, Sprout can handle himself.
How are you doing? It was real good to get that letter from you. I’m glad you ain’t mad at me anymore. That phone call made me happier than I thought any phone call could. Hearing your voice made me feel like a blind man getting his sight back. I’d been lost for a while, but hearing your voice put me back on track. I mean that. Sorry if that was a little cheesy. You know I ain’t no good at romance. Anyway, how are our friends back home? I’m missing Zeke and his stupid impressions. He always was crap at doing them right, but he made me laugh so I guess I’ll forgive him. It’s great news to hear that Lizzie’s pregnant. I’m sure Cole was happy to get that letter, huh? You’re going to be a great aunt, Lottie. I’m sure you’d be a great mom too, but maybe that’s a conversation for when I get back. I can just see you blushing when you read this. I still remember how much of a tomato you look like when you go red. A cute tomato.
My dad told me he shows you all of my letters. I hope you don’t do the same! I hope you’re doing good. I love you and miss you loads.
How are you? Egypt isn’t as hot as I thought it would be. Still hotter than I’m used to, but it’s actually quite pleasant. I prefer Egyptian weather over Brooklyn’s, that’s for sure. That’s the only thing I like better, though. I fought my first battle yesterday. It wasn’t as glorious as I thought it was going to be. It was weird. I thought it was going to be all guns blazing with maybe an epic song playing in the background. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like anything in the movies or even in those army commercials I used to adore. I feel like I’ve been lied to. They don’t tell you so many things in those commercials and those damn movies. They leave out all the important bits. They’ll show you a passionate love affair and unbreakable friendships, but not all the bad stuff. I’ll spare you the details of “the bad stuff”, but trust me when I say it’s bad. The good news is that we won the battle. The Nazis retreated in the night like the cowards they are. We also got word that we beat the Japs at Guadalcanal. The odds are looking good for us. I’m not sure where I’m headed next, but I’ll be sure to send you my address.
Don’t worry about your Sprout. He’ll be fine. I love and miss you all so much.
I’m sure you’ve read the letter I sent to my parents by now so I’ll cut the acting. I was trying not to worry them too much, but I know you saw through that. I never was a good liar. War is hell, Lottie. I’m sure this is what the Bible means when it’s talking about the eternal fire. I wasn’t injured or harmed, but the things I saw. I can’t even think about them without my hands shaking. I know what Zeke would say if he could read this. He’d call me a pussy. But he ain’t seen war. He ain’t seen the blood and the death and the horror that I have. I thought I could kill, I really did. All I had to do was shoot a few Nazis. And I did at first but then there was this… guy. I don’t even know if Nazis deserve to be called humans, but that’s the only way I know how to describe him. And he was clutching this photograph to his chest as he lay bleeding out against a rock. A huge chunk of his leg was gone, but he only had eyes for that photograph.
I had to shoot him, Lottie. And when I picked up that photograph, I saw a kid. A little baby, who reminded me so much of that baby Lizzie’s got growing in her belly. I shot a man who, for all I know, was in the same situation as Cole. I made a child fatherless. And I know it’s different because Cole and Lizzie ain’t Nazis but I can’t help but feel like a monster. That guy looked so in love with his kid and I put a bullet in his head. I watched the light fade out of his eyes. Am I a monster, Lottie? Or am I a hero for killing those Nazi bastards? I sure don’t feel like a hero.
I’m sorry for upsetting you with all this, but I had to tell someone. It’s eating me up inside. That picture you sent me makes me feel a lot better. You look beautiful in that photograph, like you always do. I keep it next to the photo of the kid. I know I shouldn’t have taken it, but I did anyway. It was calling out to me and now, I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. I don’t know what to think anymore, Lottie. I’m confused and I think I hate myself. I know one thing though, and it’s that I can’t wait for your next letter. You’ve got a way of putting my mind at rest, and I know you ain’t going to disappoint me.
How’s everything back home? I’m in Guadalcanal now. You’ve undoubtedly heard about it, but there was a battle between us and the Japs. It was a big one. We won, of course. But at what cost? We lost so many men. We lost a lot of ships too. I’m told the USS Juneau sunk with almost all of its crew. Mike Davis was on that ship. Do you remember Mike? He used to come round our house on the weekends and he and I would play war. I wish I’d never played war. And I wish I’d never known Mike because now all I can think about is how that 6 year-old boy I used to play with is lying dead at the bottom of the ocean.
There’s been talk going around and everyone thinks we’re being sent to Australia next. I can’t tell you much. Hell, I don’t even know much to begin with. Top secret and all that. I’ll send you an address as soon as I know it. I never thought I’d be going to Australia, especially not under these circumstances. Everything I’ve heard about Australia is about how nice of a vacation spot it is. I can’t imagine a war going on at the seaside. Can you? Or maybe it’s better to not imagine it. Yeah, I think that’s better.
I’ll write you as soon as I can. Missing you more than ever.
My favorite person in the whole wide world,
How are you? I want to know every single detail of your days. Mine are too morbid for eyes as beautiful as yours. The fight against the Japs was hard, to say the least. I saw more dead bodies than a mathematician could possibly count. Did you know that I wanted to be a mathematician when I was a kid? None of this army life shit. I wanted to be a mathematician. I wonder when that changed. I wish I’d become a mathematician instead of a soldier. It seems a lot easier than the life I’m living now. Would you have loved a young boy wanting to be a mathematician? In my mind, you would have.
Anyway, enough with the what-ifs. No use crying over spilt milk, right? Thank you ever so much for your last letter. It helped me more than you know. I took your advice and decided not to think about what I’m doing. I know it ain’t moral of me and that I should be thinking about this war and everything that’s going on. That’s the right thing to do. But I just can’t do it. I think I’d go nuts if I tried. So I’m blocking everything out. I’m just following orders and trying to get my job done. Each man I shoot is the enemy, and each man that dies on my side made a sacrifice for his country. No point analyzing something I can’t change. Get out and get home, preferably alive. Just like you said, Lottie.
That’s about all I’ve got this time. Your picture is the first and last thing I see everyday and given my circumstances, I couldn’t be a happier man.
Hopefully your favourite person in the whole wide world,
Jonny.
I know you’ve received the official letter already, but I’m writing in the hopes that you’re not as worried as I think you are. It’s true that I’m wounded, but only a little. Tensions were a little high here in Brisbane and a few of our soldiers got into an argument with some of the Australian guys. I tried to break it up but one guy shot something and glass just went flying everywhere. I’ll spare you the medical talk. A piece of shrapnel went in between my knee and hip and it broke my leg. Another piece went a little ways into my back. It sounds a lot worse than it actually is. I’m all sewn and wrapped up. I look a little bit like that mummy costume Ma made for Micah when he was 8. I tell ya, it ain’t fun wearing it. Don’t you worry about me. Sprout will be just fine. I’ll be up and running in no time, trust me. Congratulate Micah on his making the varsity track team. Give him a big hug and head rub from me, just like the ones I used to give him. I’m in the medical unit now so there ain’t much else going on.
Send my love to Lottie and tell her I’m sorry I can’t write to her. They’ve got me on some meds that keep me woozy most of the time. Make sure none of you worry about me too much. And don’t cry, Ma.
December 2, 1942.
Dear Ma & Pa,
Thank you for your last letter. It meant a lot to me to read everyone’s good wishes. And thanks for the picture too. It stays by my bed, and you guys and Micah are always smiling up at me.
I’ve got bad news, Ma and Pa. Things ain’t looking good for my health right now. There’s still a bit of shrapnel stuck inside of me, and they’re having trouble getting it out. I’m running a bit of a fever too. The doctor advised me to “get my things in order”. Guess that’s code for “get ready for death”. How do you even begin to do that? I’m real woozy all the time so that’s why this letter might be a little strange. I’ve been in this hospital bed for days now and I don’t seem to be improving, or so they tell me. I heard a few of the nurses talking and they think I’ve only got a few days left. So I decided to write this letter in case I, ya know. Die.
I don’t know where to start. You guys have been the best parents I could ever have asked for. I can’t thank you enough so I’m not going to use up all this paper trying to. I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for all the bad crap I’ve ever done to you. And I’m sorry for making you go through all this. I should’ve listened when you told me not to join the army. Sorry for my badly written letters being the only lousy memorabilia you have left of me. Sorry for making you worry and cry and worry and cry some more. And most of all, I’m sorry for dying. You don’t deserve to know what it feels like to lose a child, and I’m sorry to be the reason you’re in this mess right now.
I know I’m in no position to ask after all that I’ve put you through, but I need you to do a few things for me. First, take care of Micah. I know you will regardless of me asking. But I want you to give him everything he needs. He’s a good kid and he deserves the whole world. Second, take care of Lottie. I’ve put that girl through hell and somehow she still loves me. Make sure she doesn’t do something stupid like kill herself. Lastly, I need you to take care of yourselves. Mourn for me, but make sure you pick yourselves up after. Be happy again. God knows how, but be happy.
I’m missing you both so much that my head hurts.
Love forever and always,
Your little Sprout.
December 2, 1942.
Dear Micah,
I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry I haven’t written you personal letters before this. I just wanted you to have something of your stupid older brother. You’ve definitely heard the news in Ma and Pa’s letter by now so I won’t repeat myself.
I’m sorry, Micah. I’m sorry you don’t have an older brother anymore because of a stupid war fought over stupid things. I’m sorry I won’t be around for the rest of your life. I’m sure it’ll be a hell of a good one though. You once told me that lives are just stories. So make sure you make yours a bestseller, you hear me? I want your life to be the best piece of fiction the world’s got to offer. And I have no doubts that you’ll make it the best damn book anyone’s ever read.
I’m mighty proud of you, Micah. I know I don’t tell you enough, but I am. You keep winning all those gold medals and getting those perfect grades of yours. Be whoever you want to be when you grow up. I just have one request; don’t ever become a soldier. This life ain’t for you. You’re too good to be stuck in the army. Go out into the world and change it. Don’t do anything short of that or you’ll be wasting that brain and heart you’ve got.
I don’t know what else to say to you, Micah. Be happy. I’m so incredibly sorry for everything. Do me a favour okay? Don’t forget me. That’s all I want from you. To be the best you can and remember your idiot brother who went off seeking glory in the army. I love and miss you more than I can tell you, little brother.
All the love in the world,
Your big brother Jo.
December 2, 1942.
My one and only Lottie,
Oh, Lottie. There ain’t languages good enough for me to describe how incredible you are. I’m not going to try. I never was good at writing anyway.
I’m sorry, Lottie. I’ve apologized to everyone in my letters, but I feel I owe you the biggest apology. I took 4 years of your life from you. I made you waste it on a high school rascal and now, on a dying soldier. Please believe me when I tell you you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know people throw that phrase around like a baseball, but it’s true. I couldn’t be even a quarter of the man I am today without you. Somewhere along the lines, you made an idiot boy grow into a man. Jesus only knows how you did it.
I wanted to leave you something, but I realized I don’t really got nothing. All I have are the photos everyone’s sent me and the one of that German kid. I don’t know why I still have it. They’ll send it back with my body. I wonder what you’ll do with it. I can’t help but think about that kid. How his life turned out now that his father is dead. This makes me think about Lizzie and Cole’s little one. How it’s gonna turn out and how it’s life is gonna be like. I know you’ll be the best aunt in the whole world. I just wish I could be there to see you in action. But I won’t be seeing anything more. War’s a bitch, isn’t it?
I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you when you tried to stop me from joining the army. I hate this damn war for ruining our lives. I’m sorry for taking your dreams away from you. And I’m sorry I won’t be able to live out my dreams with you. When I came back, I was supposed to go to college and get a part-time job. We’d take strolls and eat ice cream during my lunch hour. After I graduated, I was supposed to get a decent job and buy you a house. I was going to propose to you. At the roof garden of school where we met. I would have gotten you white roses and when you were looking at the admittedly crappy view, I would have gotten down on one knee and monologued my love for you. We would have had 3 children. Two boys and a little girl. They would have had your eyes, your nose, your undying happiness and my dirty blond hair. We would have grown old together. The mathematician and his beautiful wife. It would’ve been a love story better than anything old Shakespeare could come up with.
Guess it wasn’t meant to be, huh? Life ain’t gonna grant me any of my wishes, and I can only hope it’s because there’s something better in store for you. I don’t feel so bad when I think of things that way. I hope you find happiness, even if it’s not with me. I’ll be watching over you from wherever I end up. I’ll fight through hell and high water to look out for you, you can bet on that. Don’t you ever settle for nothing other than the best. That’s all you deserve, Lottie.
I love you to the end of the universe and back, Charlotte Anne Richardson.
More love than you can possibly ever fathom,
Jonathan Alexander Charles.