His spine straightened like a rod when he felt her hands in his hair, terror and revulsion swimming in him before he realized she wasnāt trying to touch his skin. Instead, her hands were in his hair, and he relaxed back against the couch, wanting to purr like a cat when she touched him. He shivered, but it was most definitely a good shiver - one born of something far removed from his nightmares.
This was the most intimate and affectionate thing heād had in over a decade. A warm touch that felt safe and comforting and - saintsĀ damn him - loving.Ā
How could Inej believe in her saints when he was sure this was the best moment heād experienced? How could they allow something to holy and precious for a sinner like himself?
Just as he was leaning into her hand, just as he was ready to see if sheād touch closer, perhaps rake her fingers along his scalp, she was pulling away. He bit back a whimper, feeling like ice was circling around him and frosting over his skin without her warmth. He craved it, something heād only had a taste of and suddenly he wanted the entirety of. Kaz wanted her fingers in his hair, but gods, he wanted more. He wanted them in his hair as he kissed her, held her, showed her with lips and teeth and hands and tongue how much his text was a lie. How, when heād said Iād prefer you didnāt touch me, it wasnāt because he didnāt want her to touch him - it was because he knew he couldnāt let her.Ā
What had they been talking about?
He swallowed, trying to form words in his throat and focus on something other than that touch, that scrap of affection that he starved for like a wild dog. It did matter that she have the apartment in her name, because she should have something of her own. Even if she didnāt leave, with their line of work, something could have happened to him. He didnāt exactly have a will and testament - or many legal records at all - but she should have stability if something were to happen to him. And, hell, he probably should stop simply barging into the place. It was just - he was never sure if sheād let him in if he knocked.Ā
āI hoped you might say that.ā He rasped, embarrassed by just how low and hoarse his voice had gotten at such a small touch. He wondered, did she mean leaving tonight? Or leaving at all? How every time they got close, he pulled away? I donāt want to leave, either.
Some said that women were like a lock, but Kaz disagreed. Inej was far more complex than any lock Kaz had encountered. And he was a dented key that had been so rusted he wasnāt sure he could function correctly. But he wanted to. God, how he wanted. He watched her hair in his hands, the ends of it playing over his glove, and he took in a shuddering breath. Heād had the gloves off before around her, how was this any different? Hair was safe. It wasnāt tissue or skin or anything like it. He grasped the ends of his glove in his teeth, tugging it off before dropping it into his lap and curling her hair around his fingers.
His breath shook. So soft. Smooth and dark as ink against his pale fingers.Ā āIām -ā He choked on the words, trying to force them out. Kaz recalled the day heād last tried to touch. How heād fallen apart. But Inej made him want to try. I will have you without armor. The words, in her voice, bounced around his mind, calling out to him from some dream he couldnāt recall. He didnāt need to tell her everything. And he could trust her not to ask for more.Ā āIām alright if you touch my hair.ā
If she were the least bit sober, Inej knew that sheād never take a chance like the one that sheād just taken. She knew that Kaz didnāt like to be touched. Maybe heād never told her out loud, but she knew. She didnāt know the extent of it. She didnāt know what had caused it. Sometimes she doubted that sheād ever know. Despite all of this, she respected his wishes. She kept her distance. She let him come to her like a scared cat. She just waited. Until this exact moment - she thought she might be waiting forever.Ā
For whatever reason, she was okay with that. Sheād wait an eternity for him.Ā
Inej wasnāt sober, though, and her fingers barely grazed his hair. It was more difficult for drunk Inej to pretend like she didnāt want him. More difficult for her to remember why she shouldnāt want him. Why she shouldnāt tell him. It was, however, easy for her to forget why sheād initially been angry at him. The text message that heād only sent her around an hour ago was forgotten about in her drunken haze. Her head was buzzing with far too many other things.Ā
āI want you to stay,ā she repeated, a soft mumble. She didnāt want Kaz to leave. She didnāt want to be left alone in her apartment that sometimes felt far too spacious. Like it could open up and swallow her whole. When he opened up and told her that he hoped sheād let him stay, her breath caught in her throat. Inej hadnāt yet gathered that he was only acting like this because she was inebriated. Because she wouldnāt likely remember this in the morning. Sheād forget or heād tell her she was just dreaming. This was more than sheād ever got from him. She didnāt want to forget it.Ā
āI will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.ā
The words echoed in her mind and Inej couldnāt for the life of her figure out where theyād come from. Another dream, probably. One that felt too real to be just a dream. Was this his way of attempting to shed his armor around her? Inej often wondered if heād ever stop pushing her away. If heād ever allow her to see the man beneath the mask. The man underneath all of the armor and the walls that he put between himself and others.Ā
āDonāt stop,ā Inej urged as he twirled her hair in his hand. He curled his fingers in her hair and Inej relaxed against the sofa. It was soothing. Something that reminded her of home. When he took his glove off, her eyes widened, but she knew better - even in her drunken state - than to say anything. Instead, she let herself enjoy it, knowing sheād more than likely think this was just another dream in the morning. When Kaz began to speak, she perked up slightly, opening an eye that had fluttered shut from his touch.Ā
He was okay with her touching his hair. No, he wanted her to.Ā
She reached out with as much delicacy she could have for a drunk person and ran her fingers through his hair. At first, she was tentative with her touch, watching him to see what his reaction would be. When she was sure that he wasnāt going to run, Inej performed the motion again, making a pattern out of the way that she slid her fingers through his hair. After another beat, she lightly grazed his scalp with her fingers, hoping that it felt as soothing to him as it was for her.Ā
āLike this?ā She asked, her breath catching in her throat slightly.Ā
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