No Funerals

the really bad monsters never look like monsters. vaguely tolerated by stef

[atealiers]

❝ I would have come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together - knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting. ❞ — kaz brekker, crooked kingdom: chapter 12

[kazofdirtyhands]

@inejofwraiths

[sphinxmemesmusings]

SEND ME A NUMBER AND HELP ME DEVELOP MY CHARACTER!

01:  A memory from your character’s childhood

02:  A memory from your character’s teenage years

03:  A memory from your character’s career

04:  A memory that your character cherishes

05:  A memory that your character wishes to erase  

06:  Something that makes your character angry

07:  Something that makes your character happy

08:  Something that makes your character laugh

09:  Something that frightens your character

10:  Something that turns your character on

11:  Describe your character’s childhood friend

12:  Describe your character’s parents

13:  Describe your character’s former lover

14:  Describe your character’s present best friend

15:  Describe your character’s worst enemy

16:  What your character does on a day of

17:  What kind of books your character reads

18:  What kind of music your character likes

19:  What your character does when they wake up

20:  What your character is like at social events

[thatweirdbookworm]

Matthias: *aggressive coughing*

Kaz: If you're going to die, do it peacefully and away from me

[kazofdirtyhands]

kikiashari​:

“Oh okay” she said nodding although she didn’t quite believe him, she wasn’t going to push him, she didn’t know him and so pressing for more information would be rude, and she wasn’t the most persuasive person either and he also looked like someone who wasn’t easily persuaded anyway. “I get that, i also have some friends that don’t care much for flowers…well you could get them just to liven up your place or something and if any of your friends end up liking then they could just take them”

What would she even do if he got her flowers? Most likely think it was some sight of job that they were working on. It was an amusing idea, actually - Inej’s talents were better left to sneaking around, and not playing a role, but it would be cute to see her flustered as she tried to pretend to be someone else. His wraith was a terrible liar. If it were anyone else, he’d probably consider it a weakness, but in her it was more... Endearing, than anything else.

“I wouldn’t know if she likes flowers.” He confessed, but it still felt like a lie. Didn’t he know that? Somewhere, buried in his mind, he was convinced she did like them - like these specific ones. “How much?”

[kazofdirtyhands]

oflilacsandgooseberries​:

read more

tw: kaz gonna kaz

Not his preferred weapon, but a meat cleaver was far better for this scenario. Truthfully, Kaz didn’t care about the maximum amount of pain he could deliver to the pathetic man - if pain had been his goal, he would likely have gone with a serrated knife, perhaps. What he was looking for was fear - a much more powerful lever. Not as good as greed, perhaps, but still an excellent motivator. The man needed to know the person he messed with meant business. 

This sort of work was usually something that was relegated to rumors; and Kaz was fine with that. He liked not having to always do the dirty work, despite his monicker. But when someone deserved it? When he could send a message, as the man walked out and left a trail of blood? He saw no conflict with that. “Make sure to keep still - I wouldn’t want to nick an artery.” He hissed. And, in one quick move, slammed the cleaver down onto the man’s last two toes, severing them from his foot in one fast move as the man screamed in agony.

[kazofdirtyhands]

snowflakesandpawprints​:

Hm, maybe Yuri was wrong, maybe they could see eye to eye on something after all

Maybe

“Ok,” he said simply, completely unbothered by the threat as he finished the stitch, snipping away the extra thread and setting his tools neatly aside before standing up

“Ofcourse, I should have one more roll in the back room,”

He was going to have to make sure he kept up with the shop’s first aid supplies, especially if he could expect Kaz to be any kind of frequent visitor, maybe he’d upgrade to a higher level kit….

Stepping into the back again, he reached up to the high shelf to get the gauze and not noticing until it was too late that Veeya had used the opportunity to sprint past him and go see their new guest

“V-Veeya! Bad dog, don’t go bothering him!”

Though truth be told he couldn’t care less about Kaz being bothered so much as he cared that Veeya not get snapped at again, but he supposed as long as he kept her from getting too close…

Hurrying out after, he quickly tailed the little dog, following her back out to his pseudo-patient and settling on the floor beside him again, keeping a close eye on Veeya as she toddled closer, seemingly unbothered by the situation as she sat down by Kaz’s head, tail wagging and head tilting with curiosity, as if wondering what he was doing on the floor

It was the dog again, and Kaz didn’t quite have the energy to force back the slight smile that graced his features - the real one. When he was being at his most cruel, when he was playing games with people, generally being an asshole, he had a kind of cold smile that seemed almost eerie. His features only accented it - angled cheekbones causing him to look almost skeletal. It was worse when he was younger and had far less meals, smiles making him look increasingly gaunt and sunken eyes from too many sleepless nights and too much coffee. Those were the smiles that creeped people out, and were intended to.

His genuine smiles were few and far between, and this one wasn’t the largest - it took a lot to pull a full smile out of his features. But the slight softening of his face wouldn’t quite go away as the dog plodded up to him, and let his hand drift to pet the dog’s fluffy fur. Immediately, she seemed to take this as an invitation to hop into his lap, turning a couple of times before snuggling up to his stomach - luckily, on the opposite side of his wound. 

For a moment, he froze up. It was shockingly easy to forget how little contact he had with anyone - including dogs. That warmth came from a body rather than cold rot. It felt good in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time, and despite all other circumstances, he felt the need to cuddle it closer.

Cuddle? Kaz Brekker? He needed the strongest cup of coffee he could find, or maybe just to shove coffee grounds down his gullet until the softness was deemed bearable. “It’s fine. Small price to pay for medical care.”

[kazofdirtyhands]

kikiashari​:

“For most just knowing they are pretty is enough, and I think this are some of the nicest” Though she did loved flowers, and there were some very odd and interesting, but there was just something about this ones. “Would this be for you or maybe a friend? I mean I give mine flowers all the time” She said trying to sound casual because although she wasn’t amazing at reading people she did get the vibe he was having some very intense thoughts at least.

The instinct to snap that he didn’t have friends poked at Kaz’s stomach like an over-eager child, the need to deny all connection to Inej - to anyone - having become a part of who he was, now. But a small part of him protested - why did a conversation matter? Could he slip this one time and allow himself a moment to talk about her? 

No. She was a person in there town, and there was no such thing as anonymity. Someone could find her, question her on their - whatever they had - and go after Inej.

He could stomach a lot of violence. He couldn’t stomach seeing a single hair on her head put in harm’s way.

“Nothing of importance.” He lied. It didn’t sound convincing, even to his own ears. “Though I hardly think most of my friends would appreciate these.”

[mad-hatter-memes]

Muse Skills Meme

Send a symbol and I will answer with how good or bad my muse is at...

🍳 Cooking and/or Baking

👶 Parenting/Babysitting

🎨 Art (can be specific or in general)

💻 Computer Literacy

💬 Social Interaction

🎭 Acting

🎤 Singing

🩰 Dancing

🎸 Playing Instruments

🏈 Sports

🏊‍♀️ Swimming

📚 Academics (can be a specific subject or in general)

🔧 Repairing Things

🌷 Gardening

⚔ Fighting (can be a specific style or weapon or in general)

🧹Cleaning

❓ Add your own!

🎲 Random!

[kazofdirtyhands]

meme → playlist starter meme song → bury me face down by grandson character → @ofcovenants

Staring at the headstones in the little graveyard, Kaz wondered what sort of sorry sobs decided to get buried. What sort of insane madness led people to believe that the best way to deal with death was to shove a corpse in a box and bury it underground, and take up large areas of land for a park made of decaying bodies. 

Some part of him felt like burning bodies was the way it should be handled, but he couldn’t pinpoint any reason he felt that way - it just felt more normal than burying somehow. He kicked the toe of his boot at a headstone that was falling over, propping it up. He’d gone off to clear his head and wandered to the damn church, but luckily, it was at least empty of pious idiots - or so it had seemed. The sound of the creaky door opening made him hesitate, though not turn around, but he could see someone out the corner of his eye. “Saying your prayers? Be sure not to spill any water that someone decided was somehow holy.”

[kazofdirtyhands]

Stolen from @imogenstumult​ Like this (or reply with your character’s name) for a starter based on a song or lyrics from Kaz’s playlist!

( bonus points: if one of them is a song you know/really like, comment with that and I’ll use it! )

[kazofdirtyhands]

kikiashari​:

Keyleth stared at the man for a moment, he seemed to be deep in thought and then she looked around just so she wouldn’t be starring so much. “Hm? Oh…yeah okay…give me a moment” She said before leaving him to go to the back where they had a small greenhouse where they actually had most of their plants, she smiled when she did found the type he seemed to want and brought them back. “How about this ones, uhm are they what you want?”

His mother had died when he was too young to recall, but Kaz did remember the times after she died - with Jordie and his da, at her gravesite. He’d been a child, desperate for action, so they’d asked him to collect flowers for his mother. The only one he’d been able to find was buttercups, so he would return with massive clumps of buttercups in tiny fists, so proud of himself for completing the task that he didn’t notice his father’s or brother’s tears. 

Along with so many, that memory had been long buried, but the flower shop brought them flooding back, as well as the schoolboy feelings that he had pushed back. The ones that had been deemed not conducive to his life seemed to push through in the flower shop, and he found himself asking if Inej would like the flowers. How the palest purple ones that the woman was showing him would look against her skin. What if they’d been normal people? Would he have been an awkward schoolboy, asking her to a dance? Getting her a corsage? It was such a ludicrous idea that it was almost funny.

Almost. 

“Yes.” He said, struggling to manage as he tugged off the glove to feel the soft, satiny petals of the flower. “They’re - nice. I don’t know much about flowers.” He tried to put a little more of himself into his voice, for just a moment, but failed miserably, “As you can tell it is not my area of expertise.”

[kazofdirtyhands]

oflilacsandgooseberries​:

***

Anger, Yennefer could do. Anger and violence in a way that burned like a wildfire or froze a heart like ice. She had always been something of Chaos incarnate, but the memories flooding through her mind fueled her with an anger that could tear the world apart, splitting earth at its axis. How many times would the world take Cirilla against her will? How many times would the universe decide that a young woman with so much power was naught more than a possession? A weapon to be used?

Yennefer should have known better by now than to let her guard down, but somehow in this false fantasy of Echo Springs, she’d been lulled into a false sense of security, forgetting the most important pieces in her life were missing. “I will break your back to get what I want, Kaz Brekker,” she threatened as the world shook around her. She could pull his soul through his nostrils if she wanted to, rip his spine from his skin without lifting a finger. “Do not think that you can stand a chance with the likes of me.”

He lied. He lied constantly. Lying had become second nature for Kaz - he no longer recalled the truth, at times, about himself. Lines had become blurred, and what he would or wouldn’t do no longer felt accurate. But, in this case, there was no lie to be told - he had no idea what Yennefer was talking about, or what the hell had made her so angry. And he had seen her violence, seen whatever Grisha abilities she had, and knew his own abilities couldn’t stand up to them. 

Baring his teeth, he stitched together the bits of his calm demeanor, trying to pull in the panic enough to say, “I truly know nothing about whoever the hell you’re talking about - and I don’t know you.” The words dripped acid. He didn’t have friends. Jesper, Inej, Jessica Jones - they were people who could offer him things, things he could not provide himself. If he had a certain fondness for them, it was only because of the conveniences they offered. Yennefer was much the same, but he had thought of her as a colleague. But if whatever they were experiencing had caused her to jump to believe he was the villain in her story? She might as well have been a stranger.

He laughed, and the sound came out gritty and wrong, like sandpaper. “If only breaking my back would fix whatever screw you have loose. I have no idea what you want, nor do I care.”

[kazofdirtyhands]

chainbreakeryasha​:

Ever since her wife died Yasha started fighting a lot more, she also started to gamble. Gambling gave her a sense of thrill the same as fighting did without the possibility of injuries… well most of the time it was without the possibility of getting injured. This time however it was one of the times with the possible injuries. The men she’d played against had been nice enough at first, until they realized Yasha was winning all of their money, then they became angry. After the game Yasha got up to leave but one of them grabbed her by the shoulder and turned her around to face him. “You cheated, you stole our money!” He yelled before pulling back his arm to punch her. Before he managed to make contact or react in anyway, Yasha had grabbed his hand in her own, twisted it far enough to break his wrist and slammed her other hand into his nose. He let out a loud cry of pain as he stumbled back, covering his broken nose with his non broken hand. Yasha smirked even as the three other men decided to jump into help their friend. “This should be fun.”

Although the Springs Lounge was more of a place for drinking and dancing than it was gambling, Kaz had ensured it was a proper gambling den as well. Tables laden with chips, and dealers well trained in the art of draining just the right amount from the people playing. It was an uneasy balance - there had to be enough money taken to make a profit, but not so much that people never came back. You had to convince the gamblers that they could make their money, but not so easily that there was no risk. 

He’d come to enjoy this part of the job most, and tonight, he’d decided to play dealer. It was rare he did, but not so rare that anyone particularly noticed him, especially when he used a less conspicuous cane. “Gentlemen, you haven’t been cheated.” He said, with a harsh edge to his voice. “We do not condone violence in the club. If you wish to start a fight, take it outside.”

[kazofdirtyhands]

finestofpiltover​:

status: open! location: on the streets! summary: having mistaken an elderly woman for a thief, caitlyn attempted a confrontation that leads to the woman pleading for help from any passerby - who would like it if caitlyn could be removed. caitlyn would like it if the woman would shut up

     * “SAVE ME, save me!” The woman was screeching, Caitlyn red in the face as she stood fidgeting across from her. “Please, calm down, ma’am. I’m sorry I–” Her words were cut off by another call for help. Caitlyn sighed, shifting and feebly trying to wave her hands in front of the woman’s face. When someone finally approached, the older woman - grey and frail in appearance, donning a black cardigan - sighed with relief. “Oh thank you! This lady here is harassing me! She’s threatening my wellbeing! Please save me!”

“I’m not doing–!” Caitlyn flushed again. “I already said I’m sorry I mistook you for a thief I’m–” Hopeless, Caitlyn turned to the stranger. “I’m sorry. I really haven’t done anything here. And I have this under control so you can—”

“Save me! Save me!”

Oh, this was the funniest thing that had happened all day. Normally, Kaz didn’t tell stories at the bars like some of the other Dregs members, didn’t brag, but it was - well, as he watched the woman cry for help in his direction, he couldn’t keep from schooling his face into a look of innocence and approaching as if a kind passerby - fully knowing he was anything but. “Are you alright, ma’am?” He asked in a shockingly kind tone for a man with his reputation.

“This woman is attacking me!” The elderly woman cried out, coming closer to Kaz. He neatly kept his distance - the charade was all well and good, but he didn’t intend to become friendly with the octogenarian - and shook his head. 

"It’s alright, I’ll report her, you’re perfectly safe now.” He said, shaking his head at the woman’s ‘attacker’. “You should be ashamed of yourself.” He added. Kaz wasn’t one for fun, but a part of him nearly giggled at the sheer humor of the moment. Playing both of them for fools. “You go ahead and finish your shopping, miss. I will deal with this miscreant.”

[kazofdirtyhands]

theoriginalsister​:

.

Rebekah wasn’t a stranger to resorting to violence if needed but it was always more her brother’s things. She had her own methods of doing things and rarely required the violence in order to achieve her goals. But she only gave one chance, none if it came at the safety of her family. 

She watched as the man spoke, tilting her head slightly as she studied him. She couldn’t be completely sure but she was inclined to believing he was lying from what she could tell. Now she was more curious if he was going to dig himself deeper into a hole or backtrack completely.

“It’s a shame” she commented “I really do hate liars, I suppose idiocy is why you haven’t paid then.”

“I only hate liars who are bad at lying.” Kaz commented, as if having an every day conversation even as he moved to pull the man up by his shirt, pushing him up against the wall and searching his coat. Quite a bit of information could be found from what people kept on their person, and he quickly found what he was looking for. 

“Ah, Pearson, I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t know you were this stupid.” He said, pulling out the tiny bag of drugs, pocketing them. He would investigate, see who in town was a player in the drug suppliers and what they were bringing in. “Let’s call this collateral for what you owe Haskell.” He said, additionally collecting his wallet and keys. Kaz slipped them into a hidden pocket in his coat, one that kept it from being grabbed by the man, before he let go of him. “Scamper off and find Haskell his money, or next time, it’ll be a finger instead of a dime bag.”

The man looked like he was about to piss himself, and was red in the face with sheer anger, but he ran off with his tail between his legs. Kaz brushed a dot of blood off of his coat before turning to the woman. “Idiocy and greed are usually how people get killed.”

[kazofdirtyhands]

atribridhope​:

***

What was she interested in besides waitressing? The question was almost as bad as when people would ask her what her plans were after high school. There was always the awkward, apologetic glances Hope would get when people realized that she didn’t have some grand life plan once she graduated high school – no college, no dream job, just living… With so much death surrounding her family, Hope hadn’t been thinking about the future. She’d never thought she deserved to have a future.

“I’m interested in people who stay out of my business,” she said with a shrug, deflecting the question in a way that anyone could notice. What was she supposed to say? Painting was her only hobby and that had hardly been an interest in recent months. It was hard to find inspiration when the world was determined to crush anything good in her life. “What about you? Seems like you have a whole… thing going on.” She gestured at him from head to toe – dark kind of fancy clothes with a wicked cane. Hope knew an aesthetic when she saw one.

“Lucky for you, if it doesn’t benefit me, I don’t get involved in anyone’s business.” Kaz said with a slight shrug, looking uninterested to the untrained eye. He didn’t particularly care what people did in their free time or what they considered private, even though he liked to know about it. It was better to have a warning when someone’s private life became public, after all. But for all he cared, the people in his employ could spend their days off robbing graveyards, as long as he wasn’t caught in the middle of it. Although he had a hard time believing a woman like her did anything so shady. 

His smallest observations gave a bit of information about the woman. Minimal makeup and accessories but nothing on her that looked particularly cheap - she wasn’t poor, but she didn’t go off flaunting wealth if she had it. Tiny flecks of paint stained her nailbeds, either an artist or someone repainting their home. “I have a carefully cultivated reputation. One which is benefitted by my attire.” He explained with a tight-lipped smile. “Do you know the Springs Lounge?”

[kazofdirtyhands]

@expertdemos​ from here

“If that person is you, then yes.” Kaz said as he pressed the lockpicks against the keyhole, aligning the pins with a soft click as the door swung open. He was already regretting bringing Van Eck on the job - the kid was passable with demo but he didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut, and he stared in a way that made it obvious what they were doing. “Forgive my language, gawking would be more accurate.”