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@inesperadamente3
back to sharing so I hopefully get motivated
goals:
finish my pro forma course, study some of the technical words and concepts, go over some more yt videos and articles
eat CLEAN today, maybe some boiled eggs and chickpeas with the leftover veggies i have. also do pilates bc my back is very sore
today's set up:
so I am currently in search for an internship for the summer (to give you guys some context I’m looking into investment banking/asset management/finance ish positions and I obviously applied to the titans aka JPMorgan, Goldman, Citi, Pimco, Deutsche...
I did get to the interview stage with JP and they told me after doing such a FUCKING GOOD INTERVIEW that it was company policy to not hire student visas bc they don’t sponsor so yea
and now I’m so unmotivated, I don’t wanna apply anymore and I quite frankly have lost interest because if I don’t get rejected by a bank at least once every day then I’m not even getting an answer at all. it really makes me feel bad. am I really THAT unimportant that a bank can’t even send me a “we regret to inform you” email?
anyways my boyfriend just got to the interview stage for Pimco (which I have also applied for and never got an answer not even for the first shitty prerecorded video) and I’m jealous? like wtf is going on I’m literally jealous like I’m not happy for him I’m straight up jealous and I’ve never been like this
it’s really making me feel like shit this whole investment banking bullshit and I haven’t even been hired anywhere and I wonder why am I trying to get these jobs is it because I care about this industry at all or is it because I know it’s gonna sound SO COOL if I tell anyone I’ve been working at Goldman in NY in the summer
✨ when your iPad dies 15 minutes in and you procrastinaste tidying up your workspace ✨
plan for the day:
- watch Numerics class (recorded videos)
- complete Numerics homework
- Spanish homework 1
- Spanish homework 2
- don’t panic
- maybe go for a walk
romanticize your life. i cannot stress this enough. use scented shower gel and shampoo, so you look forward to showers. go on walks and see how pretty the sky looks. notice the wildflowers on the roadside as you drive. light a candle when you get home to make your room smell good. notice & appreciate the little things in life. it won't cure your mental illness, but it'll make it easier to exist in this world.
a soft reminder: even though you might be disappointed in how you did this year, you still made a lot of progress. you tried and tried again, so many times. every little thing you achieved. every breakdown you got up from. every moment of happiness you encountered. every little act of self care and kindness you did. it all matters. they all helped you grow. they are all small victories to be proud of. it's not always clear to see, because day to day everything feels the same, but I promise you've come a long way since the beginning of the year. so please be extra gentle with yourself when looking back. be proud of yourself too, if you can. you did well.
Winter Studying Challenge
27th December: What was the best moment (of your Christmas)?
This Christmas I didnt have the difficult family moments of previous years. It was a quieter, more grateful christmas. I hope everyone had a nice time. Xx Emily
A reading recap: in 2020, I read up on some Latin American and Chicano literature. I had been meaning to read something by Sandra Cisneros for ages and I’m so glad I finally did. Her work is dazzling and so vivid - in my sleep, I literally dreamt about Caramelo a couple of times. A forever favourite is Pedro Páramo by Juan Rulfo, which I read for the third time and which I’ll probably continue to reread for the rest of my life. Not pictured: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, which I hated so much that I threw it away before I could take this photo.
these weekend I learned how to expect and accept failure (minor or major) and it made such a difference
ways to become friends with yourself:
set boundaries with people. those who respect you, will respect them.
allow yourself to accept good things. you deserve happiness and warmth and love.
it’s okay to be a mess. it’s okay to not know what your next step is. it’s okay to be scared. trust that the universe has your back.
remember that healing is not linear. you are not weak because some days are suddenly harder than others.
consciously feel the world under your feet as you walk and the warmth of the sun on your cheek.
do things you enjoy! even if they seem silly. even if you think you have no time. make time for yourself.
take care of yourself. take deep breaths. take bubble baths. take too long admiring yourself in the mirror.
2020: eating healthy, reading more books, studying more and enjoying life
Stop being rude to yourself.
