Raus Raus!

#siberianbear #((:'C Has to deal with all the silly medics))

"Kameraaaaaade-" He held up one finger as he struggled to catch his breath and stop laughing. But, he only succeeded in swallowing his own spit. Poor Krutzke was left clinging to the Heavy's bandolier with one hand as he tried in vain to clear his airways.

"D-do I- do I look upset?" He gasped, shaking his head. Of course, it was a silly thing to laugh, given that he wore a mask. When he realized that he'd just made another joke, the good doctor began chuckling all over again.

siberian--bear-deactivated20150

"But you meant it!” He threw his arms up in exasperation. “First, the Soldier whines about me every time I come near, then the Engineer won’t let me surgically implant a manatee liver inside him, now this- you may as well go see someone else if you want to be healed, because I am through with all of you!”

"Doktor please." The Heavy frowns, not liking that last part at all. He doesn’t want to take part in any of the Medic’s crazy experiments, but he also doesn’t want to lose the most important part of the team (at least in his opinion). "I am not saying you are not credit to team. I am just saying I do not see a point in two heads."

siberian--bear-deactivated20150

"You don't see the- you don't see the point?" The Medic's façade nearly cracked, but he somehow managed to keep himself together. It was simply too much fun playing up the mad doctor stereotype sometimes.

As soon as he trusted himself not to burst out laughing, he swung around suddenly, arms raised as he went on a tirade.

"Two heads are always better than one! Who wouldn't want two heads? You'd never be lonely, you'd never run out of things to talk about, you'd always have someone watching your back, and you could play checkers with yourself a-"

Finally, the Medic gave up the ghost. With a wheezing laugh, he slapped the Heavy hard on the arm and very nearly doubled over in mirth.

"Oh! You should ha- the look on your face!" He squeezed the words out haltingly between fits of laughter.

"It was priceless!"

#siberianbear

infernal-medicine replied to your post:I would like to add a number 16 to your list; Perform highly experimental surgery on you. Coincidentally, how would you like to have a second head? Two is better than one, after all.

… No one appreciates my hard work anymore.

"Heavy did not say that."

"But you meant it!" He threw his arms up in exasperation. "First, the Soldier whines about me every time I come near, then the Engineer won't let me surgically implant a manatee liver inside him, now this- you may as well go see someone else if you want to be healed, because I am through with all of you!"

#siberianbear

gonna-cut-you-down-blog

You know what would make you feel better? A manatee kidney transplant! Ooh, I could prepare the surgery right away!

… On second thought, I think I’m good.

Tch, obviously, you have suffered a massive concussion and are just suffering from the misguided belief that you don't need a kidney transplant.

Trust me, I'm a doctor. You won't feel a thing.

#gonnacutyoudown

The Soldier’s bones began to knit together first, going from gravel to rods. As the muscles stitched themselves back onto his skeleton, he twitched slightly and tried to sit up. He made it almost halfway before he fell back again. “….What happened?”

"You have agreed to be the first living man with a baboon uterus transplanted to his face." Krutzke grinned happily down at the Soldier and leaned over him. "Really, you should feel proud of yourself. Not many men would say yes to such a risk procedure."

"I did…I what? I’m pretty sure I didn’t…" He frowned and tried to scoot away from the Medic. "Are you insane? I don’t want a uterus on my face!"

"You also said I could sue you until I won the right to transplant one on your face and your rear." The Medic shrugged his shoulders as he stepped a little closer. "It's a shame that I do not have any on hand, else I would have already taken you up on that offer."

The Soldier’s bones began to knit together first, going from gravel to rods. As the muscles stitched themselves back onto his skeleton, he twitched slightly and tried to sit up. He made it almost halfway before he fell back again. “….What happened?”

"You have agreed to be the first living man with a baboon uterus transplanted to his face." Krutzke grinned happily down at the Soldier and leaned over him. "Really, you should feel proud of yourself. Not many men would say yes to such a risk procedure."

He heard words, but they made no sense to him. They sounded like they were echoing down a tunnel to him and he couldn’t understand a one. The poking hurt like hell though and he groaned softly, trying to escape the pain. His body refused to obey him and moving even the slightest bit sent waves of pain through him. The Soldier felt like a condom stretched around a fistful of broken glass. At any moment, the weak skin would break and the whole mess would come spewing out.

Going still again, Keith resigned himself to whatever would come next. There was no way anything the Medic had planned could hurt more than this. He opened his mouth to groan again, but nothing came out but a weak breath and a runner of saliva.

So, he lived. Krutzke wasn't sure if he felt disappointed or not. At least if he was dead, the Medic could liberate his organs. After giving the downed Soldier one final prod with the umbrella, Krutzke set it back in the stand and shook his head in dismay. "I will take your lack of actual words as a contract. Break this verbal contract and I will sue you until I can transplant one on your butt as well as your face."

Sighing tiredly, the Medic stepped back into his office to grab the quick fix. After securing it firmly to his back, he returned to where he had left the Soldier and promptly flicked the healing beam on him.

Keith hadn’t made it very far off base at all before he stopped at a bank to get some much needed funds. He would need money if he was going to go AWOL. As he made a withdrawal at the bank, he noticed two men come in after him. One was wearing a black suit and fiddling with a check book. The other was in jeans and a t-shirt and counting out a few bills. As he made a withdrawal, he didn’t notice one signal the other with a subtle nod.

When he left the bank, the men exited not long after. They caught up to him at the mouth of an alley and rushed him, dragging him into the shadows. No one in town responded to his cries for help or the sounds of the beating that followed.

A lump of swollen, bruised and bloody flesh was deposited outside of the infirmary on the RED base. His broken body had been unceremoniously shoved into a RED Soldier’s uniform. A soft whine of pain was heard coming from what used to be his face before he went still.

Krutzke frowned unhappily when a sudden, loud noise outside his door drew his attention away from his work. Now, who could that be? It was too late for those squid beaks he'd ordered to arrive... and it was too quiet out there for his crate of live howler monkeys.

Pushing aside the random mix of chemicals and household and bodily fluids he'd been throwing together 'for science', the Medic got up to at least investigate this. Tugging his gloves off his hands, he flicked them both on the table and went off to open the door.

"Oh." Well, this was terribly disappointing. Why did everyone have to get hurt when he had real work to do? With a roll of his eyes, Krutzke reached out to grab the umbrella he kept by the door, he began to lightly prod at Keith's shoulder.

"Say nothing if you waive your rights to not have a baboon uterus transplanted on your forehead."

infernal-medicine started following you

Exactly what I am talking about.

Ha. *Acel takes another swig, accidentally tapping the top of the beer bottle against the receiver.* It is supposed to go, I say ‘Is your refrigerator running?’ Then you say ‘Yes.’ Then I say ‘Well you had better go catch it.

"Go catch it? …" The Medic could be heard trailing off, mumbling to himself under his breath as he tried to figure out what was meant. Then it hit him, and he had a bit of a laugh.

"I get it! Because it runs on the electricity, which also implies that it can run! Very clever."

*chuckles* Glad you like it. Try it on your friends, you will be a riot.

"Oh no no no. I prefer to make jokes of a more... dark persuasion. You know." He waved a hand on the air absently as he prattled on. "Organ stealing, implanting organs, murder... that sort of thing."

#holdtightheavy

kocheidoodle

TF2 - Mercenaries candids (inspired by these gems)

percivalmcleach-deactivated2015

"Hey, mate. Shame neither of us won that prize at the Arena, huh? I mean, I don't care about the park, but who couldn't use more money?" He smiled and pet Joanna before letting her wander over to the Medic.

"Well, what can you do? It’s not like the odds were ever good." He glanced up from where he was trying to catch up on his reading. After being gone for two weeks, he had a lot of news to catch up on. "Only one person out of how many of us could win?" Clucking his tongue, he shook his head. "Don’t worry about it."

That was all she needed to hear. With a satisfied grunt, she toddled off to the fridge, standing on her hind legs as she opened the door and helped herself to the eggs. “She’s been talking since after th’ accident. She’s gettin’ better at it, but her favorite word is eggs.”

"... If I didn't find her absolutely delightful, I'd have her vivisected by now just to see how human-like her vocal chords are." The Medic laughed, then sighed in regret. He was half-way tempted to do it anyways, but he didn't quite know how he would get her away from the Sniper long enough for him to get a good look.

Such a shame.

With a shake of his head, Krutzke clasped his hands behind his back and followed the lizard to the kitchen.

#percivalcmcleach

musings-old-main

Herr Doktor, what would you say to taking part in a... hypothetical wholly unnecessary and quite... absurd surgery? Say... helping a fellow man of science remove part of his brain and- oh, I don't know- replacing it with that of a completely different man? For... hypothetical scientific purposes, of course.

Hypozhetically, ja, I vould. Vould I be zhe bezt hypozhetical choice for zaid zurgery? Nein.

Oh come now! Surely, your hypothetical sense of curiosity outweighs your… lack of experience in transplanting half a brain into another man’s skull. Who even has hypothetical experience in these hypothetical things? I don’t.

musings-old-main

Non-hypozhetically, only 66% of my zurgeriez go right. Vhen you need me to subdue zhe likely terrible but intrezting rezult of zaid hypozhetical zurgery, I vill be zhere. Until zhen, I vould really only hindah zuch an intrezting hyponzhetical experiment.

Tche, don't be such a hypothetical baby. What's the worst that could happen? I bleed out, we have a laugh about it after I hypothetically respawn and- oh, I don't know- hypothetically cross the boundaries between men and gods through some other fashion at a later date. Or it goes right, and we cross them again anyways. It's a hypothetical win-win situation no matter how you spin it.

#rejectmedic

musings-old-main

Herr Doktor, what would you say to taking part in a... hypothetical wholly unnecessary and quite... absurd surgery? Say... helping a fellow man of science remove part of his brain and- oh, I don't know- replacing it with that of a completely different man? For... hypothetical scientific purposes, of course.

Hypozhetically, ja, I vould. Vould I be zhe bezt hypozhetical choice for zaid zurgery? Nein.

Oh come now! Surely, your hypothetical sense of curiosity outweighs your... lack of experience in transplanting half a brain into another man's skull. Who even has hypothetical experience in these hypothetical things? I don't.

#rejectmedic

mozumo

Gardening

infernal-medicine started following you

Exactly what I am talking about.

Ha. *Acel takes another swig, accidentally tapping the top of the beer bottle against the receiver.* It is supposed to go, I say ‘Is your refrigerator running?’ Then you say ‘Yes.’ Then I say ‘Well you had better go catch it.

"Go catch it? ..." The Medic could be heard trailing off, mumbling to himself under his breath as he tried to figure out what was meant. Then it hit him, and he had a bit of a laugh.

"I get it! Because it runs on the electricity, which also implies that it can run! Very clever."

#holdtightheavy

percivalmcleach-deactivated2015

"Hey, mate. Shame neither of us won that prize at the Arena, huh? I mean, I don't care about the park, but who couldn't use more money?" He smiled and pet Joanna before letting her wander over to the Medic.

"Well, what can you do? It’s not like the odds were ever good." He glanced up from where he was trying to catch up on his reading. After being gone for two weeks, he had a lot of news to catch up on. "Only one person out of how many of us could win?" Clucking his tongue, he shook his head. "Don’t worry about it."

"Yeah, she did. She doesn’t talk to you? That’s surprising…"

"Eeeeggggggsssss," she said more insistently, nosing at him again.