Infinite Starfallen Abyss

My page is always a nerdy, artistic, poetic, and beautiful place to be but I look at life differantly than most. You see, The beauty of the human body, is more artful than anything. I will one day be able to share this artful beauty with my love.

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

3 Years

3 years… It’s been 3 whole years since you broke my world and made me realize what you were doing to me. 3 whole years that I was angry at you. 3 whole years that I hated you. 3 whole years that I never looked at you the same way ever again. I never forgave you; I just accepted that you realized how hurtful you were. I’m just starting to be confident enough to stand up for myself even more than I tried to do. I stopped relying heavily on people to make me feel better. I found a way to make myself happy and do the right things. I never forgot what you did to me, I never will be able to; you drilled into my mind these things that I’ve had to relive day after day. Sometimes people don’t understand, sometimes the love I found after you that accepts me, doesn’t understand. At least he tries to understand, he at least lets me think and do as I please, he at least doesn’t call me names, make fun of me in spite, abuse me in any way shape or form. At least he loves me like you never did. I put so much hate towards you that I never could heal the wounds. I wished so hard that you’d get what you deserved. Look where you are now, been with so many women, and now you have a baby on the way. I just hope by now, you’ve come to your senses and will take the responsibility of that baby. I wish you would see how I still feel every day of my life because of your actions and words. They say that words will never break you, but fuck it if that’s not true. Sometimes they can shatter your whole world, or at least the world you were living in. Thank you for at least telling me you never loved me; you pushed me into saving my life. Although, I will never thank you because you weren’t there, you never cared, you were nothing to me. Maybe one day we can be acquaintances, but not yet. I’m not ready for that yet. 3 years… I’m proud to say 3 years clean of self-harm and self-hate, 3 years since I chose my life over a false reality. Thank you friends and love, you’ve been great with helping me recover to this day.

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

Now it’s been 5 years. Five whole years and I don’t hate you anymore. Growing up, that’s what I did. Sadly, I have to deal with the fact that I may never be able to have children because of what you did to me. I don’t hate you because of that. I don’t hate you because you destroyed who I was. I don’t hate you at all. I just wish you would talk to me because I need you to know what you did to me. I need you to feel how helpless I feel now. The only way I can truly forgive you is if you understand my pain. You have a son now, that son could’ve been mine. I’m just glad he isn’t, because his mother deserves him. You deserve him.

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

You can try to be a good person. You can try to do the right thing. Sometimes, doing the right thing or being a good person isn't enough.

[sfgbafgsfga-deactivated20170928]

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

Mitch

Today;

It’s been 7 months since you left us. It doesn’t get easier on your 3 sons. Your eldest, who’s about to be my husband, has been struggling with what he would say to you if you were still here. Your middle son is doing extremely well following in your footsteps of the military, I believe he has 2 years left of service before he wants to work for the Police EOD in Tennessee. Your youngest has changed, he’s grown up from that childish boy he was into a very nice young man. I’ve watched that kid grow and it’s heart breaking to know that you won’t be there when he graduates or gets married; unlike the middle son, you won’t get to see your eldest and I get married. Everyday I miss you because you were the dad of my significant other that actually cared about me for once instead of judging me. You were the dad that didn’t disappoint us, except for your one decision. That decision that still stings in our bodies to this day. We’ll never understand why you did it, we’ll never accept it, we’ll just know you did it. Every time something happens, I always look up to the sky and I say “Mitch, I hope to god you are looking over us all.” I don’t care what the bible says about people who do what you did, to me, you were an amazing man who deserves to be in heaven. So that’s where I’m going to believe you are. We miss you, we wish you could see our wedding, we wish you could see when we have children, we just wish you were here.

(People never understand what it’s like to live with the aftermath of someone committing suicide if they have never experienced it themselves. It can be devastating to the point that your family doesn’t even talk to each other. The person who commits suicide, has no idea what they’re going to miss out on in the years that come. Don’t make a permit solution for a temporary problem. In my case, I know how Mitch felt when he took his life, I attempted suicide 3 1/2 years ago; but I couldn’t do it because I didn’t want to leave my family the way Mitch left his. There’s always someone to talk to and there’s always a hotline you can call. Don’t give up, you have much more to live for than what you’re thinking about now.)

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

I dragged myself back in... Now I won't be able to get back out... Sometimes it just feels... Good to be lost.

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

I hate people. Always make you feel like you're invisible. Sometimes you just want to punch the shit out of people or just scream at the top of your lungs at them. Yet you don't because people are people. If you zone them out, you'll soon forget that they're even there. Pointless loudness, drunk, and stupid antics.

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

Always the wallflower, never in the limelight.

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

Work Cat Fights

Seriously 7/8 employees in my workplace are women. 5 of which talk about each other behind each other's backs. The other 2 are always stuck in the middle. 1 of those 2 is me. That being said, we have a notebook in our bosses office where we write little notes about reminders to other people. Well like 2 months ago we were told that book was turning into a very catty book because people were just writing notes about each other in it. Our boss told us to stop with the petty bullshit and to just write notes about work not each other. 2 months later, guess what!? It's still going on and it's usually from the boss herself. Kind of fucked up right? Well right now I just got stuck in a she said this, she said that conversation with my boss and one of the assistant managers. Which I didn't remember one of the 3 things that I was told until my boss put in exactly how it happened and then I remembered 2/3 things done and said. The 3rd thing I was apparently told, I was never told. My assistant manager is right though, it's all just a bunch of hoopla! Seriously though, grow the freak up already!

[derekletterine]

Visit Original Link

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

Weekend (Jai Wolf Remix) - Mocki

[rcrds]

Visit Original Link

[sins]

Kuma - Falling For Somebody New

[oohnando]

Visit Original Link

[closertotheclouds]

[eupto]

Sometimes all you need is a million dollars.

[baroness]

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

If I was rich, I'd hire a personal stylist. That way, I could buy whatever I wanted and then have them dress me and do my hair. Sometimes dressing myself is hard when I have no idea what looks good together.

me

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

Seriously need a full ride through college and for them to pay my admission fee. I'm not a rich woman after all, I only make enough to feed, clothe, and house me and my SO.

me

[nyahgust]

straight guys are absurd. i once asked one if they’d kiss a boy for $50,000 and they said no. at that point it’s not even gay it’s just the best option

[it-is-a-perfect-world-and-we-are]

[infinite-starfallen-abyss]

Or you care too much about respecting yourself to do such an absurd thing. I mean come on guys and girls, why can't you respect yourselves rather than choose the million dollars? Why do people always have to make up things like this? Personally, I wouldn't care about the money, I'd care that I'm respecting myself and respecting the man that I'm with. SMH people these days.