DestructiveCreation @infinitelydefined-blog - Tumblr Blog

I'm so scared. Walking forward into darkness following a dimming light. I feel the path straying away from my feet, or I feel my feet leading me astray. I'm not really sure which anymore. This rain of uncertainty and confusion skews my vision and promotes dangerous living conditions.

Rain used to mean no running in PE, or we got to watch a movie inside, or that I could curl up with a book listening to world through the static of rain. Now rain means stay warm to prevent illness, keep your clothes dry, be careful, don't drive too fast, SLOW DOWN YOU'RE SPINNING OUT...

It was a dark and stormy night, tonight. Yes, I am in a dark place, and I'm left out in the storm.

help.

I hate being alone, but that's the only way I'll find myself.

Definitely lost again.

famousest-deactivated20210114

SPOONING

Little Spoon:

feeling safe and secured

it feels so warm mmmm

straight to sleep bc comfy

Big Spoon:

face full of hair

one dead arm

awkward boner

infinitelydefined-blog

I laughed.

Might just be because of finals.

Day 3, 4 and 5.

The night was fun, and led to some interesting events, but I'm actually really glad that some things turned out the way they did. Needless to say I'm a bit nervous and worried about what I'm doing, I still feel unprepared. I normally blame heartbreak, but I don't even think that's the case. It's weird. I want to enjoy this and have fun, but I don't feel ready just because I still want to focus on myself. Scary part is I can feel my attention being pulled elsewhere...

Which doesn't always work out to be a bad thing. Saturday (d4) was actually pretty wonderful. Woke up to a surprise, and spent all day in an ecstatic mood. From the very beginning, in a situation like that, you would expect a tad bit of awkwardness, but none was there. As I lay there, enjoying the situation I found myself in, I found my mood rising...without even trying. We got pho, took care of some business that should have been terribly awkward (but wasn't), and even hung out back at the house. I don't know why I'm talking about it, yet leaving it so vague, I just feel like relieving it as I write. Maybe it won't make sense.

It probably doesn't.

Anyways, it set me on a old school tunes run, and feeling nostalgic as I drove home for my grandpa's birthday dinner.

It's funny how my nostalgia almost made it seem like I was traveling back in time: listening to my jams of the younger years, eating with family always make me feel younger, and then hanging with high school friends made it like I was 17 or 18 again.

But that was quite a while ago.

This stream of consciousness writing I'm doing today is so sporadic, but I just have a lot on my mind to get out so I'm just regurgitating these words, as oppose to actually constructing something intensely meaningful.

Today though, Sunday (d5), was nice. Lazy first half, but kicked it with the best. Far, far, far overdue. It's nice to catch up, and have neither of us be intoxicated when hanging out. Surprisingly, it's the first time we've done that in a long time and it was nice just to be our normal derpy selves around each other. I've felt this wall in between us for so long, and we avoided awkwardness by hiding behind drugs and drinks, yet today, it seemed so easy just to be best friends again.

I know most of that was too vague to understand, and I left millions of details out, but I think 3, 4, and 5 were the best days so far. Things have been going great, prayers have been answered, and positivity and motivation continue to grow. When life is difficult and trying, that is when we grow, but when life is good, that is when we can finally appreciate the growth we've experienced. It's like the day after a storm; the air seems cleaner, the sky seems softer, and it feels like your whole life has been rinsed out a bit. Thank God for sending my on the paths I needed to go, even if they weren't the paths I wanted to go because I am currently exactly where I should be.

But only for now, the journey never ends. I know there will be more storms, I know there will be more trials, and I will never know how hard it will be beforehand. However, these last 3 days have reminded me that it won't last forever, and, more importantly, that I can make it through.

Day 2

As yesterday started off with enthusiasm and confidence, and a slight sense of pride at my choice, today started off with exasperation, annoyance, and an unfounded sense of irritability. I realized this was not going to be easy, though, lest this tribulation lose its meaning. To be frank, I want to smoke, and I can't put a lid on my potty mouth, but I'm still moving forward. Progression doesn't mean you can just jump to your goals, progression means that you take one step forward knowing it is certainly followed by thousands more. I feel uncomfortable with some aspects of my day and even my character, which supports the fact that I chose the right sacrifices for lent. I enjoy that I'm beginning to speak more clearly and my presence and intelligence doesn't falter as much, but I am a little afraid of the darker thoughts I typically am able to forget or escape from. Today is the day I begin to fight my demons I guess?

Day 1

Ash Wednesday was interesting. A lot of people seemed taken aback by my decision to partake in Lent this year, especially hearing what I had given up. I know most people don't think I'll last, probably because they don't understand why I decided to give it up. They think I'm just doing it as a fad, but all I want to do is progressively improve myself, and this is a perfect starting spot. I don't want to limit myself from what I could be doing with my life, or how I could carry myself, so I have put myself in a strenuous situation so I can test my own will. Adversity begets growth.

divinepics

Alright so I know you guys love Disneyland so 909 is having a little raffle giving away tickets to the happiest place on Earth. And rather than pay an arm and a leg to go, raffle tickets are only 2 bucks. 2 bucks. Let me say again. 2 dollars. You can find that in your couch or your back pocket. So what's there to lose?

Feeling empty, going back to reality. This is nice.

spacegoat-herder-blog-deactivat

New cover for Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. “The spine is screen-printed with a matchbook striking paper surface, so the book itself can be burned.”

sixxofcrows

WHO THE FUCK WOULD BURN A BOOK

starkinglyhandsome-deactivated2

have u read fahrenheit 451

infinitelydefined-blog

i want.

I wanted to be lost with someone. But I'd rather be alone now.

Even if I hate being alone.

FUCK I'M DARK TODAY hahahaha fuck it I've needed to release some feelings, no one ever wants to talk real with me anymore. why not release it here? If it ain't reblog worthy, no one cares.

It's terrible that one of the few times I get so honest with things is when I'm intoxicated. As if my sober self has grown to fear so many things by rejection and humiliation.

Down the hatch it goes and where my cares go, who is to know?

I fear everyday that I'll never find something to believe in strongly.

I want to believe in love but I've been proved wrong in that sense many a times.

I want to believe in friendship but I cannot even find it in myself to trust.

I want to believe in anything, and that is why I am fooled.

And that is why I do not trust anymore.

I am afraid of who I am becoming, yet I am moving forward to become whatever it is I become naturally.

The evils inside of me which I fear and know to be wrong sometimes just happen.

Am I just too lazy to change myself now? What am I looking for?

I find myself questioning who I am more and more each day in hopes to figure out eventually. Sooner or later, I expect to turn around and look at the choices I've made and I'm going to ask myself...am I proud of it?

I want to look forward now and know that I'm headed somewhere better than where I've been. But who do I want to be when I get there?

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

DestructiveCreation