morbid curiosity

it is the hour when the most people die, & the most are born. it's the time when nightmares come to us, but if we are awake, we are afraid.

[infirmaryroad]

Jules, new best bud.

[staceythinx]

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i want this

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woke up to this scene in my living room the other morning. perfect natural (sun)light. i'll miss the house in the woods.

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old cell phone pic of island fog & a possible rainbow.

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hot chocolate & make up on a snow day :)

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greetings from peaks island!

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nina, me, brad @ 'friendsgiving' halloween party

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how many times does this have to happen before i realize i can't drink alcohol or this will happen

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halloween harvest at wyckoff farmhouse, the oldest house in NYC (built in 1652). a great day spent with great people in a great place.

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virgin suicides-esque pics taken of me by kids. bribery with lollipops.

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another lovely one from my summer gaggle :)

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summer with my best buds

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in dreams this happens to me

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a post wedding hangover. i had to leave the wedding early because i drank too much & the social anxiety i had been trying to eliminate by drowning it in alcohol turned into full blown negativity. somehow people were still trying to pick me up although i could barely form a sentence. i demanded to know what was wrong with them. during the hangover i made cookies because i wanted sweets but didn't want to go outside. i used the last of every ingredient in the apartment. for the first time ever, my cookies came out TERRIBLY. bland with an unpalatable consistency. i just dragged myself out of the house for the first time in two days to acquire ingredients to make cream cheese frosting so that they would become oatmeal cream pies. they are okay now but i feel gross after eating one. that's the boring story.

i've been in a good mood for the most part despite life being very difficult to figure out. pretty sure it's time again for a move but when i look at my apartment & realize nothing is mine & i don't even have a bed couch or television, pots & pans, bookshelf, i can't drive a moving truck i begin to feel impossible. if i do it, i will be on my own for the first time in literally my entire life. i think that means it's a good time to get a dog. the weather is making me feel very nostalgic, it's so very fall, which always gives me an ache in my bones as i remember true love. i remember so vividly being 18 & how i was so in love. even younger than that, the love of my life started at 15. i remember i would have done anything for it. i remember counting the steps to meet him, & not being able to resist looking back & waving goodbye until we couldn't see each other any longer. kissing on the beach in the rain covered in sand. i hate sand but i didn't care at the time. i remember aching just to see him all the time. now i feel that i will never have that feeling again, that i don't believe in it or have lost it or i don't know. like logic gets in the way now. i can't imagine something that doesn't end with an ending. i'm just too difficult & unhappy i think. i miss the days when love was just enough of something to hold onto, not love with rules & having to always try harder to be somebody i'm not. or what became hopeless stuck love. when love had hope & felt like it would never end & i would never do anything jeopardize it. i really miss that.

[infirmaryroad]

after a decade of longing, i finally own this! just nearly killed myself trying to hang this heavy ass piece of glass on the wall. it was worth it. not only have i always wanted this poster, it's a small tribute to my sister in law for my living room as well.

[infirmaryroad]

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your god hates me he can't feel my flesh he leaves me panting like a dog at the edge of your bed