words.

[inhalepauseexhale]

i am trying to remember that not everything is about me

i swear, i swear that i know that not everything is about me

but, but, but-

i am unmoored.

all the people that have loved me are gone

the people that loved who i was-

that loved who i could become

they are all gone

and

it isn't about me, this loss isn't just about me

but-

i am adrift.

[inhalepauseexhale]

there are so many possibilities in front of you and yet there are no possibilities in front of us. there are only choices that were made so long ago.

who we are, who we could be, who we want to be, all of these things have already been decided. there is no questioning it, no changing it.

there are possibilities but they are limited.

where were you born? where did you grow up? who loves you? who hates you?

all of these decisions  are out of your hands.

who makes your choices?

who gives you those choices?

did you really think that anything was up to you?

does it matter?

do you matter?

[inhalepauseexhale]

but didn’t you want to?

my god what a question,

what a  concept.

did you WANT to?

how often have you thought about what you wanted? what you want?

and so I ask again-

did you want to?

did you want to love that person? did you want to  make that choice? commit to that decision?

what did you really really want?

were you honest?

really, think about it- did you get what you wanted?

did you say you wanted it?

[inhalepauseexhale]

I am  choking on all the things that I could have said.

I am drowning in all the things  that I should have done.

I am not sure  who I am and

I am not sure who I want to be.

generations of people came together to create me-

would they think that it was worth it?  worth their lives- worth the sacrifices that they had to make?

generations of people came together and made me and now they are gone but I am still here.

I am still here.

I am.

[inhalepauseexhale]

it is another year and another friend is moving and no matter how many times I tell myself that I am not being left, the fact is I have yet another friend that I cannot meet for dinner.

it is a different year but it is all the same things and it is somehow still hard to remember that there are plenty of things that have nothing to do with me.

it is yet another year and I am trying to move on from  the previous ones but it is foolish and futile and the past never lets go of you, you just have to learn how to  carry it  with you.

[inhalepauseexhale]

I used to wonder about all the other versions of  myself- I let choices and people and mistakes haunt me. I could spend hours wondering about every decision, if it was the right one or if I turned left where I was meant to turn right. should I have done something different? kept that friend or stuck with that job or never left that apartment?

I don’t wonder much anymore. every choice brought me to you. there is nothing, not a thing, I would do  differently.

[inhalepauseexhale]

it is so lovely the way that nothing about you hurts. i had no idea that I could love someone without having to love the way that they made me bleed. I didn’t know that love could be a gentle wave, that there was any option  beyond an all consuming hurricane, that love could be something kind.

my god how lucky am I to love and be loved by someone kind.

[inhalepauseexhale]

I had so many thoughts but they all just faded away when I tried to write them down, like I was trying to grab a cloud or hold on to sand-

I was someone when I woke up and I am someone else now and I cannot tell which version is the real  one-

there are some truths that do not change it’s just that they are rare, almost impossible things to find, like, I love you and you love me and my god I just hope that those are truths that do not change.

[inhalepauseexhale]

how foolish to miss the person I used to be

I have grown and  bled and  cried, I have changed, learned, suffered.

I have tried. my god, I have tried.

how silly to discount that, how thoughtless  to ignore the thousands of lessons that I nearly died trying to learn.

[inhalepauseexhale]

there is something so beautiful in the way that people love each other in quiet ways,  a hand brushing against someone else’s or a text to make sure that someone got home safely and there is something beautiful in the way that people love each other in loud ways, running into each other’s arms after a long time apart or walking everywhere with your hands laced together for everyone to see.

[inhalepauseexhale]

it is raining even as the sun continues to shine through dark clouds and I watch a dove cling to a shaking branch, its refusal to move to a sturdier perch somehow inspiring to see and it is  the third day of rain, unusual for a desert and even though the lack of sunlight has been odd, the green sprouting everywhere is a type of beauty not often seen and I know that there is nothing magical in the rain but there is something magical in the way it reminds me that I can always change, always grow, even in new, unknown environments.

[inhalepauseexhale]

i. there is a fine line between being peaceful and being passive and I think that I am falling on the wrong side of that line.

ii. I worried that falling in love would change me but I think it has just made me even more myself.

iii. there is a calm deep within myself that I am just beginning to listen to, just beginning to understand.

iv. there is a rage deep within myself that I am just starting to value, just starting to pay attention to.

[inhalepauseexhale]

Nobody ever told me that falling in love would be like this, that I would carry you with me all the time. It isn’t heavy, not the weight of the world or the responsibility that Atlas had to shoulder for his entire life. It’s nothing terrible, nothing like having to choose between your mother and the spring or winter and the taste of pomegranate, of choice, on your tongue. It’s nothing like watching your son use your creation to fly too high, nothing like watching your child ignore your words and disappear within the cold, unforgiving sea. It’s nothing impossible, nothing tragic. It’s just that you are with me, always. I can always feel you in the back of my mind, feel your hand twined with mine. You’re always here. You’re always with me. Nobody told me love could be like that, that love could be a constant. No mountains, no valleys. Just us. Just you and me. Together. Always. I didn’t know love could be like this. Thank goodness that love can be like this.

[inhalepauseexhale]

does it bring you peace? does knowledge ever bring you any peace?

does knowing make any of it better?

what is truth anyways? circumstantial at best, isn’t it?

honesty is important but my god honesty hurts and what value is hurting when it doesn’t lead to any  growth?

knowing makes it  better. the truth does matter. if you accept it. if you pay attention.

otherwise. it’s just pain without reason.

[inhalepauseexhale]

eight ways to fall in love.

i.  slowly, with gentle hands and quiet secrets, warm kisses and laced fingers.

ii. over and over again. all the time. every day, every week, with every smile you see and every laugh you hear.

iii. purposefully, a choice made day after day, effort and time and work willingly put in.

iv. once. only once.

v. regretfully, a road you know you cannot go down, with a person that cannot intertwine their life with yours.

vi. in the blink of  an eye, in the first touch of  lips, in the moment your  eyes meet.

vii. once more, with someone you’ve already loved and forgotten, with  someone you knew in another life, with someone that has been waiting for you.

viii. easily, casually, no effort expended, no thoughts wasted, just a slow and gentle fall into love that never seems to stop.

[inhalepauseexhale]

there is something on the tip of my tongue, something about the word adrift or something about Icarus falling,  something about the weight Atlas carries and never being able to set it  down.

there is something about love written upon the curves of his lips, in the grasp of his fingers, across the lines of  his body.

there is something I am trying to say, something about wise Athena being cruel, something about bright Apollo being hateful, something about the way that doing something unkind does not make you an unkind person, something about the way that there are no absolutes, that people and gods alike are faceted nearly beyond belief, something about the way that nothing is ever one hundred percent true, except for us.

[inhalepauseexhale]

I do not have to be beautiful, to be flawless and extraordinary and perfect in order to  exist.

I do not have to be attractive to those around me, appealing to everyone I meet in order to live.

I only have to wake up and want to be  alive.

I owe nothing to anyone and being kind is not the same as being complacent.

my existence is not contingent on anyone else, on the stars, or on the universe.

I simply have to wake up and be.