love but don't fall

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[ink-and-oceans]

A little update

Hi guys,

I haven't posted on this blog for quite a few years. When I started this blog, I was extremely depressed, anxious (diagnosed while I was gone), and just generally in a horrible place in life. I felt trapped and was stuck in many very destructive and some abusive relationships. I had no support network, so I turned to tumblr. It was the easiest way to connect with people, vent, and gave me something real to work towards (growing this blog).

When I finally broke free and the truth came out in my personal life, all hell broke loose. I had to work really hard to build my life from scratch, re-evaluate my toxic beliefs, and heal. Healing usually doesn't involve posting extremely depressing writing consistently which meant that I left this blog alone for a long time. Honestly, I didn't think I would ever open this account and look at it again.

After a very long time, things really have changed. I am no longer depressed (mostly) and am not as anxious. I have a real support network and I finally believe that I will be able to have a happy life. I have enough independence to develop and set boundaries for myself since I'm not financially reliant on others now.

I just want to say that things really do get better and that there is always hope. The growth was extremely painful and it felt backwards a lot of times, but I got here. I also want to mention that I won't be posting as many depressing things anymore if that's something you care a lot about. Finally, I just wanted to say that I'm thankful that I was able to connect with and be supported by so many sweet random people on the internet like you guys who got me through the toughest times in my life.

tara love

[ink-and-oceans]

I had never believed in the happy ending type of love. The only love I knew gave me nervous butterflies and inflicted pain. Somehow I've made it here to tell you that I was wrong. Love isn't supposed to be that way. The love you deserve is warm and safe and easy. That love is out there waiting for you.

tara love / i think i know what love is now

[ink-and-oceans]

I admit to being capable of an astounding level of selfishness, caprice, and cruelty. Many storms I weathered were those that I summoned. But even on my worst days, did I deserve the pain you inflicted or the nightmares you inspired?

tara love / what did i do to deserve this

[ink-and-oceans]

People tend to piece the most extreme bits of you together in ways that make sense to them. Maybe you don't know yourself very well and maybe you believe that it truly is you. It really isn't. It's a character that colours rumours and thickens the plot of a story that curious people will pore over years later perhaps, but it isn't the you that loves the strange little things you don't tell others about. It isn't the you that your lover sees, or that your friends laugh with, or the you that feeds your cat. It isn't the you in all your curious and tangled up pieces of fascinating personality. It's you in 2D, so don't take it to heart.

tara love 

[ink-and-oceans]

I like waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee, but I loved being awakened by your tickles. I am comforted by the familiar jingling of your keys, but my day used to brighten at your smile and loud "I LOVE YOU"s when you came home. I admire our unspoken understanding, but I no longer yearn for our late night conversations. Where I once wrote about our "interlaced fingers" and sweet nothings, is being left to collect dust. We may have fit together perfectly once upon a time, but we've grown out love.

tara love / the colours that i could only see with you, i recognize everywhere on my own now

[ink-and-oceans]

Everything in me aches from being so far from you. My mind wanders to you constantly and I feel the ghost of your embrace as I fall asleep. Can you visit me in my dreams? Can you bring me a little closer to what I wish I have when I'm awake?

tara love / satisfy me until we meet again

[ink-and-oceans]

As my friends helped me burn everything you touched, I felt the fire call out to me too.

tara love / i can’t burn every touch, every lingering feeling, every untraceable memory

[ink-and-oceans]

I wonder what life would have been like if we didn’t find each other. Would I have lived happily without knowing what I never had the chance to lose? If we crossed paths ever so briefly, my soul chilled from the lingering sighs of Fate at what might have been, my mind would dream of a silly story of a great love as I lay in bed and all we are and could have been would fade into nothing as I fell asleep.

tara love / what a tragedy it would have been (via ink-and-oceans)

[ink-and-oceans]

one of my mutuals reblogged a post of yours and i immediately recognized your username. i used to be following you while you were going through a really hard time (im not sure if specifying would be triggering so i won't) and i had to unfollow because it stirred up those kinds of thoughts in myself and i couldnt handle that. anyways, i really hope that youre doing better now. you have a lot of people out there who care about you and appreciate what you do, and i just hope that youre healing ❤

Thank you so much 💜! I've gone further than I imagined possible on my healing journey. I really hope you're doing well too and you've made my day 😊

[ink-and-oceans]

I wonder what life would have been like if we didn't find each other. Would I have lived happily without knowing what I never had the chance to lose? If we crossed paths ever so briefly, my soul chilled from the lingering sighs of Fate at what might have been, my mind would dream of a silly story of a great love as I lay in bed and all we are and could have been would fade into nothing as I fell asleep.

tara love / what a tragedy it would have been

[ink-and-oceans]

I fell in love again, but this time he caught me.

[ink-and-oceans]

A few months ago, I could never have imagined finding someone who made all my past heartbreaks feel worth it. Someone who makes my heart swell up despite all the holes and whose hands fit mine so perfectly and hold mine so tightly. I didn't know that anyone else could give me something to lose again and have me be over-the-moon happy about it.

tara love / and i am. i am so happy about it.

[ink-and-oceans]

It's funny that you gave me something to lose. Do you know that? That I'm so afraid of losing you?

[ink-and-oceans]

I never knew I could love someone this much.

[ink-and-oceans]

“I look at myself in the mirror with a few broken pieces of my heart in hand wondering what collage of a fake face I will make with them today. Excited? Or do I simply pretend to be happy? Do I even have the strength to pull off a smile anymore?”

— tara love / the breakdown as i sit on the bathroom counter

[ink-and-oceans]

“You can fake your expression and pretend to be anyone else you want, but what happens when there’s nobody to put on a show for?”

— tara love / that’s when i fall apart 

[ink-and-oceans]

Where I see nothing but grey and disappointment, you find colour. Your hands sculpt beautiful art, but you are more breathtaking than any piece. Seeing you looking at the rain, dancing down the street, trying not to laugh. That's how I know divinity exists because no being so lovely could ever have been formed through happenstance. For all the wondrous art your hands form, the greatest gift you could ever bestow is your existence and company.

tara love / i couldn’t ask for more, but you have a tendency to exceed expectations