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DEAR READER
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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roma★
KIROKAZE
Jules of Nature
Keni
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@inkachinka
I have big feelings.
They get bigger and bigger
as they happen,
taking up all the space that my real self gotta fight to still exist.
My blood boils.
My head hurts.
It's just...exhausting and overwhelming.
"Yes, please"
"No, stay away"
"Hold me"
"Your touch feels like hot iron on my naked skin
but please burn it through"
My bubble grows bigger and bigger.
Except it's not filled with air
but toxic gas.
Suffocating,
keeping everything and everyone out.
You are pleasure, you are anger
You are reward, you are fear
You are a scent
You are joy
You are memories
You are lessons
I love you with all of my limbic system
I write when I can't speak.
These feelings I was told are not worthy of bearing,
they spill on this blank canvas
on which they are given a voice.
Syllables and lines,
every streak defines.
And when it rains
it pours.
Phantom drops of tears
on the surface they never appear.
I find comfort in chaos
because all I know is storms make great sailors.
I find comfort in chaos
because all I know is geared fighters come out of raging fire alive.
I find comfort in chaos
because all I know is armed soldiers appear bullet-proof in battles.
I find comfort in chaos
because all I know is resilience is a medal worn with pride.
I am drawn to chaos
because it is all I know.
Those things I used to say.
But now...
I fight the desire for chaos
because now I know that chaos is not absolute.
I fight the desire for chaos
because now I know that I can choose peace.
I fight the desire for chaos
because now I know that misery is not faith.
With your touch, you soothe my weary soul.
With your kiss, you break down walls brick by brick.
And with your love, you heal wounds I'd kept hidden away.
With you love makes sense.
And after all this time, I finally know how and why.
You make sense.
A longing heart is a broken heart
and a blessed one at the same time.
When you've been under water for too long,
the breath of fresh air and
the solidity of dry land can be scary.
Sure, I used to come up briefly for air from time to time.
It was more of a gasping, really.
But not without a fight, as the current kept pulling me down.
I drifted farther and farther away from the land and slowly forgot the colors of trees and the scent of flowers.
Until one day I climbed up a boat, heading towards dry land.
Yet, I keep waiting for the waves to rock it and throw me back into the water.
Where it felt right, but not quite.
I guess I still need to learn to walk on steady ground and stop worrying about drowning.
Maybe the universe has finally agreed I've had enough lessons.
Maybe it led me to you as a reward for being patient.
Maybe we were supposed to find each other when we're ready, not earlier, not later.
Maybe.
But I know for sure you're everything I've ever dreamed of that I thought was impossible.
And darling,
when I think of the future
I can see you in mine.
Oh pain...
I'm giving you the space to be here
Oh pain...
The stage is yours, have a play
Grieve, my little heart
Bleed, if you must
Oh pain...
Fill the room, I allow you
So one day you can peacefully step down
and leave it empty
Because a void might just be more bearable
I don't dread mornings anymore.
Even when I wake up with heavy heart,
the sight of your tails and little taps on the floor from your little toes walking towards me drive my brain to release dopamine.
The feeling of your soft fur and the sound of your purr fill it with oxytocin.
And at the end of the day, I long for coming home to these little round faces.
Come closer, dear...
Come closer until I get a glimpse of those round marble-like eyes before they face away.
Come closer until I can leave a smooch or maybe two on your forehead.
Come closer until I get a sniff of your addictive scent.
Come closer until I can hold you tight in my arms that never want to let go.
Come closer, dear...
Come closer so I can stop adoring your cute little face from a distance for a while.
Come closer so I can run my fingers through your soft fur and feel that all is good again for a moment.
Come closer so I can hear your little meow clearer and let my ears enjoy the melodies.
Come closer so I can feel your purr like a slow calming engine on my heavy chest.
Come closer so I can touch those fluffy paws and kiss them all day.
Come closer so I can love and feel loved ❤️
"You are beautiful" you said.
"You are beautiful when you're sleeping.
You are beautiful when your mind is wandering, daydreaming about bigger breasts, perkier ass, smaller waist, and flawless skin."
You tell me "you are beautiful" while I'm pinching the little fat on my belly withholding disgust as I look in the mirror.
"You are beautiful" I keep hearing as I stare at the numbers on the scale thinking did I gain fat or muscle mass?
"You are beautiful when you're naked, you are beautiful wearing a colorful dress above the knees, you are beautiful wearing that granny panty" so I hear.
"You are beautiful and worthy of love because you are a worthy human being. Not because your hair looks perfect under the sunshine or your tanned skin looks exotic in the summer"
"You are beautiful and worthy of love because you are a caring and loving human being trying to make this shitty world just a little better with your little helping hands"
"You are beautiful even if you wish you had nicer teeth, bigger eyes and just...better facial structure"
"You are beautiful because your happy smile is contagious when you're dancing. Not because your pretty swinging dress makes you look a bit skinnier"
"You are beautiful with those eyebags because you're working hard for your future and for providing your little furry babies the best life they deserve"
"You are beautiful" is the voice I hear from the very very far back of my mind, as it keeps being pushed aside by the voices I hear everywhere.
Fighting to keep being heard, as the patriarchial society keeps telling me the opposite.
Fighting to stay because no one else, no man would see it that way.
But you do, my little self. You do. And I hope your voice stays.
I feel at peace, if not an illusion of it.
But why is it hard to breathe when you're not around?
Is it the pain you caused me
or your absence?
When falling for someone happens along with falling in love with yourself instead of loving yourself less, then you must be doing something right, right?
I'm done.
I'm done with mores.
Wanting more,
hoping more,
feeling more,
adoring more,
seeing more,
showing more,
more attached.
Because in the end more only brings me less.
The pain isn't you
The pain isn't even your absence
The pain isn't the heartbreak
The pain isn't even the goodbye
It's what's left
It's the weeds still growing because you blew the spores my way