Nothing works. I can't get through my day without thinking of you. There isn't a moment that goes by that I think to myself I'd do anything to talk again. To just have one more conversation. To hear your voice again. It keeps me up at night, my sleep schedule is so inconsistant. I have no control over anything right now. I've lost every bit of motivation I could possibly have and I'm scouring empty reserves for more energy to keep going, to keep trying.
The reason it hurts so much is because I know, we both know, we were right for each other. We've said it countless times even when things were on the downward path. I did this. And I can't cope with the guilt, and the shame, and the embarrassment and the remorse and grieving. It's all too much. And on top of that, to finally have clarity, to see how bad I truly was and knowing I'm on a better path now kills me because why couldn't I do that with you? Why did it take you leaving for me to understand, to see how everything truly was?
Soul crushing. I can't describe it any other way. I've been posting my emotions when I really feel it, in that moment, and this is what I do in the stead of a journal. Yea, a bit dramatic, but I don't mind being honest with people about the things I've done. I'm not that anymore, and I choose to look forward still. Even if most of the time it's just auto pilot keeping me going, I still somehow make it to the next day. Even on days I don't want to, like today. The feeling is soul crushing. Knowing that we could have had our happy ending if I just listened. If I just spoke up and communicated properly. I'm not sure how to deal with all these emotions at once still. I miss you, I really want to talk to you again, but I can't reach out. I wish I could. I wish you would.
Nothing feels right, everything I do feels hollow. There's no substance, there's no interest, there's just a need to pass time. And every now and then I sit with my emotions and let them out and it gets to be so much. I drain myself by just crying.
I can't even imagine how you're day. I would assume better, but I also imagine that you're having a hard time. Maybe you aren't and that's good if it's going well emotionally. I really miss you, you were my everything and I'll tell everyone til I'm blue in the face that you still are. I know what I did was wrong, I know I did a lot of horrible things, I know I said a lot of horrible things and it went on for a long time. If I actually did what I was supposed to we wouldn't be here, on this path we're on now. And I know to a degree that still pisses you off. Why wouldn't it? I hope some day we can talk again. Yea, I'm being a bit selfish right now. I know, but you know what? So what. I'm not that monster I was before. That's the thing that probably keeps me going in secret, I don't want to be that and I don't want to be remembered as that. So I guess I'll do my best to be a kinder, nicer, more thoughtful person.
If you're reading this, by some miracle, I hope to talk again some day
