Bleeding Inked Words

"So my ink stained fingers bleed apologetic words onto a page because you said hear not read and maybe the ink can make the words look prettier then my shaky tearful voice can make them sound" Ask box open Accepting titles and first lines

[inkbleeding-heart]

I loved fire until the one in my chest spread to the rest of my body and you watched as I was consumed in flames set to keep you warm.

I’m done setting myself on fire to keep you warm // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

Puzzle girl

You didn't start out as a human jigsaw puzzle. You actually started out the picture on the box, whole and pretty with clean cut edges, no lines in you, smiling up at me. Always smiling.

The piece under your left eye was lost the first time a boys fist was followed by the words "I love you" and a kiss on the cheek. He never actually kissed you, you think he believed he'd make a piece fall from your mouth and he loved that smile. 

The pieces missing in various spots on your legs were picked out by you. You thought if you lost more pieces you'd lose feelings. Or maybe someone would notice and start trying to put the pieces back. No one ever did.

The two pieces on each side of your waist, those were the first pieces you lost. They were plucked out by a laughing sales lady when you was seven as she told you to not each until you had to fit into that dress. You tried to put those pieces back when you were twelve but had found they were too big to fit anymore.

The one on the side of your neck are the only ones you don't remember losing. It was handed back to you by a stranger with a smug smile the next morning. That one was one of the few that irritated the skin when you lost it. The skin on your neck was red and bruised for day, you had to wear a scarf to cover it so no one would notice and try to pick another on out.

The piece from your shoulder fell out on its own when your uncles heart stopped. The one in your left hand was returned to you when your best friend walked away. The small pieces missing next to your belly button fell out every time you threw up tequila not with your lunch but a name.

You've kept every piece you ever lost a box on the shelf. You used to wait for someone to come along to glue them back together so they'd never fall out again. Glue you back together so you would be whole. And someone did. You gave him the box and he spent years slowly putting back the jigsaw piece by piece, so carefully to make sure everything fit just right. But when they were all back in place, before he could glue them in so they'd never fall out, he took a step back to look at his masterpiece. He didn't think about the fact that the jagged piece edges would always remain. After all the box image never shows you the pieces edge, forever showing where they were put together. He expected the box not the girl and the impact of him leaving hit you so hard that some pieces fell out again, including a new one right above the heart.

You glued that one back into place first. And then put a piece of duct tape of it for good measure. That piece would never be lost again, and slowly the other pieces have begun fitting back together. Sometimes they fall out and you have to search for them again but sometimes they stay in nice and tight. You never expect anyone to put you back together again and hide the lines with closes and makeup. But you know they’re still there. Those pieces, missing or replaced, will always be a part of you. And that story is better than some picture on a box.

[inkbleeding-heart]

1. I swore after the last time I would stop writing poetry for the boys who wouldn't love me enough. I would prove I could string together beautiful words without the pain. I lied. 2. You managed to keep our last night together Completely platonic and that's fine Until I crawled into our hotel bed and you wrapped your arms around me. I wondered if this was what it's like to feel at home in a place you know you will soon leave behind. 3. We hugged goodbye so many times I still don't know which was the true farewell. I do know your arms are a safe haven in a place that often does me harm. I know you mean it when asking  if I'm okay. I know when you thank me for everything You feel close to what I do. 4. How cruel is it of fate to give us to each other at a time we cannot trust Where more in temporary then concrete and we lose people every year to the outside world. I wish I could have been Lost with you. 5. There was a night you slept in my bed and stole all my pillows but left me the blanket. I liked that because I don't use pillows but need a blanket. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the blanket.

Screw Fate for Making You Leave Me Behind // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

Dark, It was dark in the room when we first met I wore dark clothing and you wore the same style of hat I wear every day but that night I opted for a black bandana bow because it went with the theme of the party we stood drunk at and laughing on a Monday night when we should have been doing anything else. We talked about my loud music, you laughed at my dark humor as the night turned to early morning yet to see any light It was dark in the room the first night we kissed You kissed me in the middle of the room, somehow we ended up against a wall with my arms wrapped around you. It was dark and no one paid attention to who you were kissing because it had become such a common occurrence at an event like that but later you walked me home and held my hand between the pale lights of street lamps, kissed me behind the far side of the dorm where the light doesn’t reach and when I returned to my room the light seemed almost blinding. It was dark the first time we spend time alone We walked in the cool night air talking of pasts and secrets. I didn't want to let you in or have you let me in and I believed you felt the same but it was just so easy to let things slip. We toed the outskirts of the lights of campus, snuck through black rooms to lay in the shadow of moonlight coming from your window. I walked home alone when the light came. It was dark in the room the night you saw me with him Back in the basement in which we first kissed you had meant to stand me up but showed up two hours later then you told me you would and managed to find my black sweater in a sea of reds and greens only to see me laughing and smiling with someone you didn't know. Later you said watching us hurt. It was dark the night we spoke again It wasn’t really speaking so much as texting and our minds were both heavy mine with rum yours probably with some kind of hard liquor or cheap bear, you told me you followed my adventures and missed those nights with me. I told you I did as well. I found that summer you liked to talk when it was dark, all through the night as if the only light to be found during those hours were when your phone screen lit up with my name. It was dark when we kissed in my room, It was dark when you broke it off again It was dark when we started again It's always so dark when it comes to us. We exist only in the dark We'll barely acknowledge our existence in the light and when we do it's almost shocking. It was dark when we kissed again, dark when we stopped, dark when we started. We live every moment in the absence of light, hide in shadows so no one sees, sneak out as soon as the sun might come up. How long until the sun comes up?

I've been waiting in shadows so long that the sun burns my eyes // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

Hello, my name is not important and I am an addict. During the drug education part of health class we’re required to take every three years of required schooling they always warned us about cigarettes, weed, cocaine, designer drugs, and alcohol. They told us not to drink and drive, always say no, hugs not drugs and just don’t do it. Hell they even cautioned against caffeine. But they forgot about the most dangerous drug in the world. One try you’re hooked for life and you don’t even care because the rush is just so amazing you just need more, more, more. They didn’t warn me about you. You are a drug to me. I shoot up with your attention, pop pills of your affection, breathe in every last word you say because it makes me feel light, like I’m floating on air. Your touch makes me drunker then any liquid ever could and your gaze sends more excess dopamine to my brain than the highest dose of crack ever. Who needs Molly or Crystal when I have you? And it started out as so many addict stories do, I only wanted a quick try just to say I did it once because how much could one try really hurt me? But just that first kiss and I was hooked. I know, I know, I should have known better because my daddy used to warn me about my families addictive tendencies and I was always so careful before but I never really thought love could be so dangerous. I thought I could control myself. One time wouldn’t hurt me. But I couldn’t. I needed it more and more and I never knew a person could cause such a craving because no one told me your dealer could also be your drug and would know the perfect amount to keep you hooked, giving you just enough to give you the high but not enough to stomp out the craving. So now my arms are covered in the track marks your finger tips left on them, my lungs are full of your beautiful words you keep saying that are killing me but making me feel alive. I just don’t understand. How could something so deadly make you feel so good? Loved ones start to notice the changes in me, the irritableness and the sudden cutting off from everyone and everything because all I can think of is how I can get my next fix every time you cut me off for a period in the name of saving my life don’t you see that you’re the one killing me? I did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of before hitting rock bottom. I lied and I was not a kind person to those who tried to help me. But the worst part of it all wasn’t the withdrawal, it was that no matter how hard I tried I can never be free. Because when you found another client I would try to get myself clean cold turkey and it would work for awhile. But every now and then you come back around as soon as the cravings are gone to give me a little taste of what I need. But I guess that’s how a dealer stay’s in business, right? So hello, my name is not important and I’m addicted to you.

There is no AA or rehab for this addiction // B.P   (via inkbleeding-heart)

[inkbleeding-heart]

Hi I'm here to save you. I started off originally just being your friend but then you and I both had shit pile on top of us and suddenly my job went from friend to caretaker and you were drowning so I had no choice to but try to save you. Hi I'm your roommate waking you up at eight in the morning even though my first class doesn’t start until ten and I'm staying up with you all night waking you up ever hour while you have a night terror after drinking too much even though I haven't slept more then two hours a night in seventeen days. But you're in more visible pain then I am and I can swallow my pain for a little longer, after all you need me. Hi you called me at three AM and I woke up from a dead sleep because clearly this is important and it's okay I have to work early in the morning because you're upset over something from the past and need to be calmed down and as your friend it's my job to help you with that. Hi your long term boyfriend turned out to be, as you put it, a "shit head" so I'm staying up all night listening to you rant about it while trying not to think about that eight thirty class I have a test in. But this is clearly bothering you so I'm willing to let you rant it out so you don’t explode. Hi, I'm drunk on the floor with my head against the toilet crying over everything that's been bottling up inside of me. You walk into the bathroom and place a bottle of water next to me, tell me not to puke in the room and leave. The next morning you tease me for being so sloppy, tell me I was lucky no one saw it but you and then retell it to our friends over dinner. Hi, I walked home alone crying, came in at three AM sobbing over someone making me feel horrible over something I have no control over and you groan and tell me to go to sleep. In the morning you told me you knew I'd feel better in the morning before grabbing your bag and heading out for the day. Hi. I am the person who has taken care of you for the past two years. I am the person who shoved her pain so far down that it would sit and simmer until the nights I took one too many shots. I am the person you scream at in anger then ask for forgiveness. Who has done everything for you that you've needed. Been everything you needed. Hi, I need help. I just wish you were around to help me.

A Friend Pointed Out All I Do Is Help You When I Need Someone To Help Me Too // b.p

[inkbleeding-heart]

Six word story: I love you but can't tell.

Six word story: You love me but walked away.

Six word story: How do I stop loving you?

Six word story: You love her but not me.

Six word story: I can't stop but I should.

Six word story: What if you stayed with me?

Six word story: We could have made it together.

Six word story: Tequila burns less then this pain.

Six word story: I'm so sorry I wasn’t enough.

Six word story: I walked away today and cried.

Six word story: I hope he makes me better.

Six word story: I broke him while fixing me.

Six word story: But I didn't get any better.

Six word story: You still begged me to stay.

Six word story: You cried but I finally stopped.

Six word story: Timing can ruin everything, even us.

Six word story: I will always love you. Always.

-Six Word Stories of Us // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

"It took me a year to realize that you could never save me and that I never wanted you to."

When the Knights armor doesn't shine // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

Hello, my name is not important and I am an addict. During the drug education part of health class we're required to take every three years of required schooling they always warned us about cigarettes, weed, cocaine, designer drugs, and alcohol. They told us not to drink and drive, always say no, hugs not drugs and just don’t do it. Hell they even cautioned against caffeine. But they forgot about the most dangerous drug in the world. One try you're hooked for life and you don’t even care because the rush is just so amazing you just need more, more, more. They didn't warn me about you. You are a drug to me. I shoot up with your attention, pop pills of your affection, breathe in every last word you say because it makes me feel light, like I'm floating on air. Your touch makes me drunker then any liquid ever could and your gaze sends more excess dopamine to my brain than the highest dose of crack ever. Who needs Molly or Crystal when I have you? And it started out as so many addict stories do, I only wanted a quick try just to say I did it once because how much could one try really hurt me? But just that first kiss and I was hooked. I know, I know, I should have known better because my daddy used to warn me about my families addictive tendencies and I was always so careful before but I never really thought love could be so dangerous. I thought I could control myself. One time wouldn’t hurt me. But I couldn’t. I needed it more and more and I never knew a person could cause such a craving because no one told me your dealer could also be your drug and would know the perfect amount to keep you hooked, giving you just enough to give you the high but not enough to stomp out the craving. So now my arms are covered in the track marks your finger tips left on them, my lungs are full of your beautiful words you keep saying that are killing me but making me feel alive. I just don’t understand. How could something so deadly make you feel so good? Loved ones start to notice the changes in me, the irritableness and the sudden cutting off from everyone and everything because all I can think of is how I can get my next fix every time you cut me off for a period in the name of saving my life don’t you see that you're the one killing me? I did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of before hitting rock bottom. I lied and I was not a kind person to those who tried to help me. But the worst part of it all wasn’t the withdrawal, it was that no matter how hard I tried I can never be free. Because when you found another client I would try to get myself clean cold turkey and it would work for awhile. But every now and then you come back around as soon as the cravings are gone to give me a little taste of what I need. But I guess that's how a dealer stay's in business, right? So hello, my name is not important and I'm addicted to you.

There is no AA or rehab for this addiction // B.P  

[inkbleeding-heart]

What is a queen without a king? She is a leader. She is more than a figure head In a pretty dress and crown. She is more than just a smile And a wave. She is a lawmaker. She is a ruler. She is a warrior At least you'll have him to go home to I'm staring at the ocean thinking About what I want and suddenly realize He isn't it. I didn't want my king to be Waiting for me to come home anymore. I didn't want a knight in shining armor Waiting for me to let my hair down from my tower window. So I told him to stop waiting Because I already had. And the man who claimed to be my knight, My king, Became the boy who tried to lock me way, My dragon to slay. What am I without him? I am the warrior queen out to slay the dragon. I am free again. I can breathe freely and Not worry about the next time we speak or What he would think of me out at night and The people I made friends with and The adventures I was experiencing While he was stuck alone in a cloud of self pity. I don't have to worry about how We'd ever have dinner with my parents if He couldn’t smoke beforehand or Having to calm his insectaries. I am independent. I don't have to worry about Splitting my time between My friends My job And him. I don't have to worry about guilt. I don't have to worry about anything. But what about love? I didn't need him to love me and I didn't need to love him. I needed to love me.   But he needed me to love him. He needed me to be his future. So I became the bitch ex girlfriend to him But to me, To me I became my savior. I became my protector, My hero. I stormed the castles and Led my kingdom to victory. I became my champion. What is a queen without a king? Historically better Much more alive and With a good head on her shoulders. What am I without him? I am happy. I am free.

Love Has Nothing to Do With Ruling Your Kingdom // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

I'm staring at the ocean thinking about what I want and sudden realize he isn't it.

He’s There, I’m Here and Never Want to Go Back to There // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

Month one: The sun is shining and I'm sitting in the rays coming through my window. It's a spring time Saturday and you're asleep next to me still dreaming away while she sun shines in through the window over you on to me and I want to freeze the moment at exactly that second and live in it forever. Month two: The day is warm and the sun is out, we're walking along the water and talking so effortlessly. I never had such an easy time speaking to someone I was dating but I don’t have to try with you and there is no need to fight for us because we've already won without ever having to go into a single battle and as the sun dips behind the clouds for a second I don’t even notice because you make everything seem brighter. Month three: It's a bright cloudy day when I get on that plane. You didn't come see me off but that's okay because it would have been pointless since you couldn't go through security with me. The sun had just set behind the clouds and I receive a goodbye message from you telling me that you love me and I answer that I love you too as I shut my phone off. Month four: It's drizzling as I sit in one of the most beautiful garden I've ever been to. I've been here a week and I didn't realize how badly I wanted to leave until I actually did it. You send me heartfelt messages every night about counting down the days until I come home and how you can't wait to hold me. You don’t know that I've gotten to the point of rolling my eyes instead of smiling. Month five: The sun is shining as I watch the rain from my window. I can't help but think that that's exactly how I feel right now. I'm in a good place right now but we aren't. All I see is problems when I look at us and all you see is how much you love me and how amazing it will be when I come home. What you don’t seem to see is that I don’t want to come home. I don’t dream of returning to you at night the way you dream of me coming home. I don’t dream of you at all.

The Weather Doesn't Even Know What it Wants, How am I Supposed to? // B.P

[inkbleeding-heart]

I learned most about other people when I left them, I learned those who missed me Will never let truly leave them and Those who don’t won’t notice my empty slot. 

I learned most about myself in a plane Hundreds of feet up in the air as I left the only country I ever knew For the only country I have long roots in, I learned serenity while staring at The stars above the stars above the clouds, 

I learned acceptance In the middle of a Irish pub linked arms with Strangers who treated me as one of their own And begged us not to go. 

I learned what life can be as soon as I left the one I had always led and College may have given me a taste of freedom but travel... Dear lord travel has left me both Satisfied and wanting more both With a full stomach and salivating mouth.

I am happy I am content I am where I belong right now and I don’t believe I can ever Truly return to who I once was.” I know I don’t want to.  

[collarbone-queen]

reblog if you’ve ever struggled with body image/self-esteem

[inkbleeding-heart]

It wasn’t like a movie or book. There were no sparks or fireworks Although I did compare us to those once. He never took my breath away. It wasn’t like the classic boy meets girl. It didn’t feel like a country song Or a pop song Or any other song. So I guess Taylor Swift lied about that part. There was never a big moment. No instant signs or suspicions. To be honest it was a friendship That changed when we weren’t watching. It wasn’t like how I had ever imagined it There was no sweeping off feet Or butterflies in my stomach Every time he looked at me. There were late night Walgreen’s candy runs There were beach walks and secret sleepovers There were goofy pictures. There was honesty. Maybe a couple of drunken confessions.For awhile it went unnoticed Completely uncared about Until I woke up one morning To the same good morning text as every morning And went Fuck I think I might like you. Fuck I think I might love you. There wasn’t a happy ending But there wasn’t a sad ending either. Just an ending to one part of the story Not the whole book of us. There wasn’t an epic battle For love and happiness. There was longing And there was a lot of wanting But I’m really not sure how much need Was involved in the whole thing. After all I survived without being with him I survived walking away I flourished after letting go So how badly did I really Need him? There was crying There was so much crying That he never knew about. I’m sure there was some I didn’t know about either. And there was screaming More than anything there was pain And there was happiness. More than anything there was love. And even though it didn’t feel like a song It did make them all start to make sense. And maybe, I can’t say for sure, Maybe our stars were crossed. It wasn’t like how I thought it would happen Or how I think it should have ended. It wasn’t the classic boy meets girl Or the story you would tell your children. It was painful and it was sad But god, It was amazing And I'm so happy It even happened at all.

My First Love was Nothing I was Prepared For // B.P

[the-token-goth-sister-deactivat]

Mama you told me once that I gravitate toward groups of broken people To have as friends and you asked me why. I said it’s because I’m good at fixing others. Mama that was a lie because I was just as broken as them and if we were all going to feel alone in the world then we might as well have done it together. Brother you say my anxiety does not exist That it’s my excuse for why I don’t ever want to drive a car. Brother you have never seen me curled into a ball Unable to move because my brain and body are at war And my sanity gets caught in the cross fire Because my body makes it feel like my lungs turned off But my brain tells me I can still speak So therefore I can still breathe Do you know how frustrating it is To not be able to breathe But know that you can? Daddy you told me once That bad things happen to people But it’s up to you to chose how you handle them. Daddy bad things happened to me They just keep happening one after another And I try so hard to choose to keep going But sometimes my mind wouldn’t let me. And I still am trying to figure out how to make it let me. Mama you ask me how I know so much About mental illness and why people do what they do How can you not see that I know because I lived Every day for the past four years Wishing that I wasn’t who I am Wishing that I was a version of myself That I don’t even remember being I wished I was happy But I can’t remember being truly happy Without the looming cloud of depression and anxiety Hanging over my head. None of you truly understand why this is because I don’t tell you Because if I told you you’ll understand how truly broken I am And I’ve worked too damn hard to keep that burden away from you. My dear family for the past four years I’ve been ripping myself apart trying to get rid of the toxic pieces But a lot of the good ones are getting damaged along the way And dear lord I don’t know how you haven’t noticed how hard I struggled Even when I fucking told you And yes I’m using the dreaded F word because Maybe the shock value will actually Get your attention this time Why did I have to do this alone? I know I said I hid it but you should have seen through my mask I’m not that good of an actress You’ve all seen my damn plays. Maybe I’ve been too subtle after all I’ve become a truly talented at what I feel But daddy that comment “ I try not to keep scissors in my room anymore” Was a damn good hint Mama I told you I was broken and felt alone And you told me it was just normal teenage feelings Mama I wish it was. Brother I confessed everything to you crying But you were too drunk to fucking remember When you woke up the next morning. I’m cynical because it’s how I can survive I hate the idea of love because I know That I have a gap in my chest that may never be filled. Brother I am not lazy It’s just an accomplishment that I got out of bed before noon today Because it means that my mind Is actually letting me function Because it means today is a good day. And Mama I’m so scared that this gap in my chest will turn into a hole everything falls out of or that it’ll suck in everything around me until I’m so full I explode. I’m so afraid of love and to be alone that I don’t know which one is worse anymore. Daddy you tell me I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my art And that is why I concentrate on every last detail. What you don’t know is That little quirk of mine is making me afraid to live Because this is my only shot at it And I don’t want to screw it up. You two told me all the ways I could screw it up. Don’t you understand that I’m not the solid one That I’ve slowly been dying for years And you all had too many other problems to noticed Or you didn’t want to see it. Why won’t any of you see it?

I’m getting worse again and they still can’t see it //b.p (via dont-let-this-belove)

[inkbleeding-heart]

Photographed smiles of six teenagers stare up to me Two months ago was the first time The girl laying across the five of us spoke to me, For awhile we didn’t know where she went or why but She’s back now and The girl to my left wanted to kill herself when We were all about to graduate Last I heard She doesn’t go to school anymore I don’t think I’ve heard her voice in Almost three years The boy in the middle With his arm around me told me To go fuck myself three months after I broke up with his best friend and had told him I slept someone else. The girl next to them is always high and Never believed in love until She fell in love with the stoner everyone used. The girl on the end is Still my best friend. She made the boy in the middle Love her She didn’t mean to End up loving someone else. Out of everyone in this picture I believe I’m the only one Who still speaks to at least three of the girls. I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year, I don’t know the girl next to me anymore and The girl sitting across our laps Has caused and experience more damage Then I really know. I was sixteen when this picture was taken. These were the people Who were going to be at my wedding. These were the people I was supposed To grow old with. We’d always stick together, We had sworn on a warm night at the beach. We’d never walk away We promised one night in the back of a Chevy. We’d always love each other We vowed in the cold basement of an all too empty house. We always thought it would be Us against the world. Until the world made it Us against each other. Until loyalties were tested and failed. Photographed smiles of six teenagers stare up to me As I sit in the room that hasn’t changed much Since this picture was taken. I only really talk to two of the girls anyone and They barely speak to each other. Our younger selves hold each other Laughing and smiling forever Like there was nothing that could tear us apart. We never could have guessed We would have let each other go so easily.

We May Be Strangers But The Pictures Will Always Show Friends // B.P (via inkbleeding-heart)