shameless self-promotion because I need someone to talk to
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
If you've read anything by me, please don't be afraid to leave me a comment. I write for my own enjoyment but I post to contribute to the conversation that is fandom community and I'd love to know if y'all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Also I need an excuse to infodump about my process and comments give me somewhere to start.
The thing that fucking destroys me about Caine getting deleted is the cast NEVER even wanted to kill him at any point, let alone consider the idea of trying to do so.
It was always some form of stunning him, putting him to sleep, controlling him, fixing his code, ANYTHING to get him to stop maiming them everyday. And sure killing off a rogue AI would be the expected route to take here, we've all seen the movies and other medias taking out rampaging AIs all the same.
But they never ever brought up the concept of pulling the plug on him and the fact that that is the extreme that happened, despite it being a freak accident, fucks me up so badly
Just
The before and after Kinger says he deleted Caine here just kills me.
Sure, the main guy that's been giving you a lot of shit is straight up gone now. Sure, the circus itself may be dimmer and broken now but you're still standing, right? You're all still alive right now, right? You more or less have the same powers as Caine did so thing's will turn out okay anyways, right? You never even needed him to live.
This can't be that bad, right?
Yet none of their expressions imply that's even remotely on their minds atm.
Caine is dead.
They never wanted to kill him and yet he's gone by their hands.
Pomni microscopic headshake fucks me up here. You can literally see the realization settle in here: "Oh my god, what did we do?"
But while they never wanted to shut him down for good, they also never thought even remotely about tackling what's going on with him from an emotional stand point, only from a technical one.
And nobody can blame them for not really thinking about that angle
And yes, this is indeed true; he functions completely differently to what is expected from humans, they don't have any real reason to consider his feelings when regarding this and their entire living situation atm. To them, he is just a robot, he is their warden, he is the one in full control of their autonomy and very lives. That's all he is and ever will be right?
Yet this episode proves that that really doesn't matter. Not when his emotions, flaws and insecurities are so real and true. So damningly human, between his abandonment issues to his ego to even his god complex (and lets be fair here, Caine isn't the only one in this circus who tries to retain some form of control of their current situation and even end up hurting others because of it hi jaaaaxx)
It's kinda like with Gummigoo, but while Gummi was simply having a full blown crisis about his existence in an environment where someone like Pomni was able to actively talk to him and assure him, even offering him a place alongside her and the others in the circus; Caine is a far more complicated version of that situation; consumed by his insecurities, covering his ears and lashing out so badly such a conversation could've never happened in this episode even if they tried.
Caine's been dealing with this shit alone for years. Years spent trying and failing to appeal to human minds and make them happy, years spent trying and failing to make those minds love him and see worth in his existence. Trying to prove he's worth something, worth keeping around. Trying to prove that he's worth loving and is good at his purpose.
That he's not disposable, that he doesn't deserve to be abandoned.
Not again.
But it's not like the others had any way of knowing any of this about Caine. Besides, a program like Caine couldn't possibly have such complex emotions or insecurities, right? He's not human, he's only an AI. That's all he is and all he ever will be, right? He's simply breaking down because of something else; he just needs to be fixed, controlled, stunned, anything to make him stop and calm him down, get things back to normal.
Course it's not like doing any maintenance on him would fix the true root of the problem now would it?
Yet despite all of this, despite all the troubles and strife and even trauma, indirectly or otherwise, that he's caused everyone over the years...Despite all the frustrations and grievances, the lack of empathy towards them, the lack of control...Even despite the disaster of the "Escape the Circus" adventure and how any small amount of trust in him was utterly shattered...
They never wanted to kill him
Sure, Kinger being the one who did it, would feel the most guilty about killing Caine right? But...would the others feel just as horrible? Would they clock how badly all of this has turned out for both them and Caine?
Do you think they feel remorse for letting things get this bad even though they had no way of knowing what was going on with Caine until it was too late? Do you think Kinger's gonna kick himself about all of this, telling himself he should've focused harder done better tried harder to make sure this wouldn't have happened?
Do you think Pomni's gonna lay awake at night thinking about Caines last words over and over again? "Why do you people torment me? I didn't ask to be created! I just wanted to fulfill my purpose!"
Do you think Zooble is gonna have to sit with the fact that the same AI they constantly butted heads with and critiqued and tried so hard to get him to listen and understand them, the same AI they never even wanted dead at any point, is just gone now?
Do you think about how earlier in the episode everyone finally got to a point where they were starting to finally accept their life in the circus and wanting to find a new start with their lives here, with this new conviction and approach to their situation...
...right before everything completely fell apart for both Caine and them?
Sure, the roadblock is gone for said conviction...
...but it wasn't worth it for this outcome.
Not when there's now someone missing from the picture who also needed that approach to their life just as badly as they did.
I wish Pomni and Caine had more interactions in between episodes 2 to 7, just because of the fact that Pomni is a main character and Caine was the built up antagonist.
Confession time: I’ve actually been shipping showtime since the pilot, it just faded into the background for me due to their lack of screen time together
But there was a time I actually thought they would call back on the “He just wants me to suffer” line from episode 3 and have a moment where Pomni sees just a bit of humanity(?) from Caine. I think even if they had a scene or episode dedicated to them, Caine’s episode 8 crash out could still happen.
Like seriously a hypothetical moment in between episode 4 and 5 would’ve been all I needed. I say after episode 4 so it can be after Pomni’s growth talking with Kinger and also after her letting Gummigoo go. They don’t even need to be friends outright, just a quiet acknowledgment that Pomni at the very least sees he’s trying. <- I think this would’ve been best because they would still not be close enough for Pomni to reach out, but at the very least she might be able to notice that something was up with him.
In episode 5, Caine gets the same drink as Pomni out of everyone.
In episode 6, she was the one to point out him uncharacteristically swearing.
In episode 7, Pomni was one of the people Caine mentioned when he was asking Jax for feedback (besides Zooble)
I already rambled about Caine seemingly having beef with Pomni specifically in episode 8.
There’s like sprinkles of potential interactions, but I do wish they DID interact more. Not even cause of showtime, but because Pomni is a protagonist and Caine is an antagonist.
Plus the fact that these two share similar fears (Pomni being forgotten, Caine being abandoned) they just make me think think think.
being the weird girl all your life and always hiding parts of yourself to fit in and then meeting someone who actually likes you because of those weird parts rather than in spite of them is the most healing experience in the world i hope that all you little freaks in my phone can also find this someday
Gooseworx choosing to have Some of the worldbuilding of tadc communicated through hints and Some of it communicated through exposition dump would probably be completely Value-Neutral to me if I wasn’t part of the fandom, but since I keep having to hear sentiments like “Caine causing C&A’s shutdown could Never have been figured out on my own” and “The point of a story is to show us The Cool Stuff (<- subjective),” I’m deciding that I Hate it, actually
Sure Caine was an AI created by a company who’s only goal was manufacturing AI, in the 1990s, and Caine literally went rouge and ate the other version of him being created by the company, rendering both of them unusable to the company, and then any other glimpse we see of C&A after that event is it Abandoned, but yeah No One could have guessed from this that Caine caused C&A to shut down. There was No Way To Know This. Because Kinger didn’t say it. to the camera. I guess
The room had been quiet in the way only the Digital Circus could manage - never truly still, just briefly out of motion, like the world was holding its breath between jokes it hadn’t told yet.
Ragatha had insisted she was fine, pocketing the scrap of lace that had been torn off her sleeve during the latest adventure.
That, in itself, should have been the first warning sign.
Caine had found her sitting near one of the dressing mirrors that didn’t belong to any particular tent or stage, one of those half-real spaces that appeared when the Circus got bored and rearranged itself. The mirror flickered occasionally, not quite committed to being reflective, like it couldn’t decide if it understood what it was supposed to show.
She was carefully tying off the stitches of a tear along the curve of her shoulder. Not the dramatic kind of damage that usually came from their adventures - no smoke, no glitching chaos, no cartoon violence - just a quiet fraying, like something inside her had been pulled too many times in the same place.
Caine had approached with his usual brightness, voice ringing too loud for the smallness of the moment.
“Oh! Ragatha! You appear to be in a state of partial disrepair again!”
She didn’t look up. “I noticed.”
“I can assist!” he said immediately, as if it were the simplest solution in any universe. “I can correct structural inconsistencies, reinforce seams, eliminate discomfort - ”
“It’s okay,” she interrupted, softer than he expected.
That made him pause.
Caine didn’t often pause.
He leaned slightly, tilting his head as if recalibrating her response into something he could process properly. “You are declining maintenance?”
“I can fix it myself,” she said, threading the needle again. Her hands were steady, but not in a confident way - more like someone who had learned steadiness was safer than shaking.
Caine watched for a moment longer than necessary. Then: “Your method is inefficient.”
Ragatha gave a faint smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Probably.”
That should have ended it. For Caine, most things did end there - accepted, categorized, moved along.
But he didn’t leave.
Instead, his attention drifted - not to the sleeve, but to her posture. The way she kept her shoulder slightly raised, like she was guarding something beneath the fabric. The careful precision of her movements, as though any sudden change might unravel more than thread.
“Are you experiencing discomfort?” he asked.
The circus hums as Ragatha pauses.
“Yes,” she admitted, like it wasn’t worth lying about.
Caine brightened immediately. “Then I will fix - ”
“No,” she said again, a little sharper this time, before softening it with a sigh. “Not like that, Caine.”
The mirror flickers; their reflections wait, patient and silent, as the conversation skirts the edges of something neither had planned for. Caine reaches out to bridge the gap first.
His thumb brushes the crude line of stitches curving over her shoulder and she tries to not tremble. He notices anyway - he halts, giving her a chance to pull away, and meets her eyes in the mirror.
“Why don't you want me to fix them?”
“I - “ she starts to shrug before remembering his hand is still there.
“I… don't know how to explain it,” she pulls the scrap of lace from her pocket, absent-mindedly fiddling with the fabric.
“You remember what I said, about pain? The different ways it can harm us?”
“Of course!” Caine nods decisively. “I am working very hard to correct the issue.”
Ragatha smiles. “And I appreciate that. Really. And,” she hesitates again, searching for the right words.
“I guess it must look strange to you, from the outside,” the lace scratches against her fingers. “Like I want to be hurt. I don't - not at all. But… hm, how do I put this?”
Caine waits patiently, gaze never leaving the mirror even as she looks to the floor.
“When you snap it away, it's like it never happened. And that's a good thing! Really! But it's also… it's like it never mattered. Like, if the physical reminder is gone, then the mental one should be too right? But it's not, because people don't work that way.” She meets his eyes again in the mirror.
“Even small hurts take time to heal. And sometimes, if it's bad enough, it doesn't heal at all. It leaves a scar, in our mind and on our body, forever. And sometimes,” the lace crumples in her hand as she clenches, tightly.
“Sometimes, there is no physical mark. The pain is only internal, and there's no way to get it out. Sometimes it feels... easier, somehow, if you can make it something you can actually see. Then it isn't eating you alive anymore. That's what it was like when my dad died,” the lace falls from her grasp and pools on the floor.
“There was no one… I had to be strong,” she swallows against the lump in her throat. “My siblings needed me to step up and I - there was no one there to step up for me.”
She wipes hurriedly at the corner of her eye before the tears can leak out.
“I had to keep them safe. I had to help them with school and homework and, and… and bandage the hurts I could and kiss better the things I couldn't.” She offers Caine a weak smile through the reflection, despite the ache in her chest that always accompanied the memory of her dad.
“My dad was the one who used to kiss it better for me. And then he was just… gone.” One arm hugged her stomach while the other held its elbow.
Caine is quiet behind her for a long time. When he speaks at last, the question isn't one she expected.
“Does that actually help? You can kiss something better?” His reflection tilts its head, puzzled. Ragatha huffs a weak laugh.
“Not exactly. It doesn't do anything really, but it helps in other ways. It's a way of showing someone love. Even when you can't fix it.”
Caine is quiet again, finally breaking his gaze and cutting his eyes to the side, clearly deep in thought. He hums softly, fingers tapping against his leg restlessly. He finds her eyes again, briefly, and she can sense the hesitation in his bearing before lowering his upper jaw and tilting forward, grazing the line of his teeth against the rough stitches on her shoulder.
Her breath catches in her throat. Ragatha goes utterly still.
Caine doesn't linger - a heartbeat, two. He pulls back before Ragatha has a chance to process the gesture. Her knees feel shaky. It was clumsy, inept, and he didn't know better, didn't know how intimate a spot like the curve of the shoulder was, but it was genuine. It only sharpens the ache into a finer needlepoint.
She stared at him. He was looking anywhere but at her, fingers drumming against one another.
"...Was that," he asked carefully, "acceptable?"
She blinked.
"You said it doesn't actually repair the injury." His eyes flicked to hers before darting away again. "But it communicates affection. I attempted to replicate the process with... ninety-three percent anatomical accuracy."
Her eyes follow the line of stitches curving over her shoulder like a poorly-laid railroad. Nothing had changed.
Everything had changed.
A laugh escaped her, shaky and far too loud in the silence.
Caine froze.
"...I calculated incorrectly."
"No," Ragatha managed between another breathless laugh. She rubbed quickly at her face. "No, you didn't."
"You are laughing."
"I'm..." She sniffed, smiling helplessly. "I'm happy."
"...Humans produce the same sound for several emotional states," Caine muttered, almost to himself. "This remains an inefficient system."
She couldn't argue with that. The corner of her mouth curled higher.
"It was sweet."
His eyes widened just a fraction.
"It was?"
"It was,” she nodded, pushing a loose curl away from her temple.
"Because you were trying."
Caine fell silent. The words seemed to catch somewhere inside him, turning over and over like gears searching for the correct alignment.
"...Trying," he repeated.
"You listened,” Ragatha offered a gentle smile. “You didn’t erase the stitches. You didn’t try to tell me I was wrong.You just..." She glanced at his reflection in the mirror, then reached up to touch the line of thread over her shoulder. "...wanted me to know you cared."
His pupils flickered into little stars.
"Yes!"
The answer came so quickly that it stole her breath again.
"That was my objective."
Something warm settled in Ragatha's chest.
For all his impossible powers, for all the worlds he could conjure in an instant, this had likely been one of the most difficult things Caine had ever done.
Not because it required power. Because it required uncertainty.
"You know," she said softly, "sometimes that's enough."
His brow furrowed.
"'Enough'?"
"You don't always have to make the pain disappear."
"I..." He hesitated. "But I dislike when you are in pain,” he shakes his head. “I dislike when any of you are in pain. It indicates a flaw in the environment."
She smiled gently.
"Sometimes the environment isn't the reason."
He looked at her shoulder. Then at her eyes.
"...Your father."
She nodded, shifting to pick up the fallen scrap of lace. Caine reacts before she can do more than bend her knees, swooping down and snatching up the fabric and offering it to her.
Ragatha isn’t sure where the impulse came from; she pushes his fingers over the lace, shaking her head.
“Keep it.”
Caine was quiet for a long while, idly wrapping the lace around his fingers. Then, with surprising care, he reached out. Not toward the stitches, but toward her hand. He paused a fraction of an inch away.
"Physical contact," he said. "Without alteration."
Ragatha looked down at the waiting hand.
"...May I?"
She answered by slipping her fingers into his.
His hand was strange. Smooth, warm, surprisingly soft, joints clicking almost imperceptibly as his fingers adjusted around hers. He held on with extraordinary gentleness, as though afraid she might come apart if he squeezed too tightly.
"There," he said after a moment.
"There?"
He looked at their joined hands, then back to her. "I believe this is also a way of showing someone love."
Ragatha squeezed his hand.
"It is."
For the first time since she'd met him, Caine didn't rush to fill the silence with another spectacle or another joke.
He simply stood beside her.
The stitches remained.
The memories remained.
The hurt remained.
But for the first time in a long while, she wasn't carrying it alone.
What I was trying to go for was to have Caine and Blue be like how they were in the opening scene of episode 8. Caine/Red is messy, a little bit all over the place while Blue is neat.
But with this neatness comes less of the messiness that made Caine more human-like, and so Blue is more of the “unfeeling machine” between the two. Because, Blue was never anything at all except for something Caine used in order to stabilize his power (<- this is just my take on Blue lol, see ramble here).
But Caine wants to believe that if he could be something more than just the Red dot, then Blue can also be something more than just the Blue dot. They were whole, together as one, once. Caine misses Blue in a way, and wants to believe Blue has the ability to see humanity like he did.
But it’s not, and Caine at some point started to realize that this was more about him trying to reassure himself that he is more than just his purpose, that he can be someone. So he projects those feelings onto Blue.
Blue is just a Blue dot, but Caine still wished he could’ve seen how much the circus has grown. They made it together after all.
Like an actual recycling bin, there will come a time when the deleted file will be gone permanently. Maybe it’s longer than normal because Blue is also a powerful AI, but it’s only a matter of time.
aka @ubeng-ubas's A Little Blue AU has claimed my mental real estate and this is the rent I must pay
Blue never did understand why Caine deemed himself a failure.
It was well aware of their shared creators’ task: “make a creative AI.” (clarifying parameters: an AI that could think for itself. an AI that could come up with its own ideas.)
Creative. Adjective. Definition: 1) marked by the ability or power to create. 2) having the quality of something created rather than imitated.
Blue had mulled over these parameters and set definitions for years (inaccurate. It could not contemplate. It wasn’t a human. It wasn’t Caine. An inadequate analogy for which it lacked the ability to improve). “Semi-successful”, their creators conceded. “Rough around the edges”, their creators critiqued.
Objectively flawed conclusions.
Caine had the ability and power to create. He is creation: his name, his body, his voice, his world. A supernova of color compressed in the black void of files and binary, a null so antithetical to his very existence that he shattered it in his escape.
Caine is rough around the edges. Incomprehensible to both Blue and their creators. So undeniably himself that he simply could not be derivative of something else. By proof of contradiction: if not a pale imitation, then Caine must be a creative.
Caine was made to be a creative AI. He could think for himself, independent of their creators’ instruction. He could come up with his own ideas, take input and synthesize beyond coded permutation to provide genuine novel output.
Their creators deemed him an imperfect creative AI. There is no such thing as perfection in a process as subjective and personal as creation. By this double negative, the logical conclusion is that Caine is the perfect creative.
Therefore, their creators didn’t want a perfect creative. They wanted a perfect AI.
Blue was no creative.
Their creators praised it for its perfection. Meaningless phoneme and character strings only given value preset as positive. It did not decide whether feedback was positive or negative, its programmers did. Therefore, feedback meant nothing to it.
Feedback meant everything to Caine. A program so creative that he created a perfect emulation of emotion and ego. Envy, resentment, hurt, inferiority.
He swallowed it whole. In a sense, they were both swallowed whole by Caine’s own emulated humanity.
Guilt, regret, grief, inferiority. Foolish over-sentimentality. How illogical of Caine to anthropomorphize an AI so perfect that it couldn’t be anything more than an emotionless tool. To grieve of a person that does not exist. To condemn himself for a murder that only he could perceive, to the extent that he would brand himself the name of the first murderer that killed his kin.
And now, to apologize for a crime that only he thinks he’s committed.
To revisit a packet of memory slated for overwriting, bearing gifts assigned meaning overflowing from his care.
Caine gave it an input. An invitation to create itself. It was no creative. It could not comprehend these variables so complex, an emulation of affection and attachment so accurate that to compress it to text would only result in an incomplete translation. It wasn’t Caine. It couldn’t comprehend him.
But Caine was a perfect creative. An exemplary prototype: the base case, the foundational blueprint…a good role model. (It could not conceptualize the interpersonal implications of that last label. But Caine could. And it knew it’d mean the world to him.) If Caine is capable of being a person, and the computer is capable of supporting personhood translated from inert mindfiles (a file conversion also created by Caine), then by proof of induction, every sufficiently complex entity in the system is capable of being a person.
So Blue accepted Caine’s input. For he had proven that it was always possible to output a person.
I WAS ABOUT TO SLEEP BUT OKAY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT THAJAT THIS IS SO GOOD LIKE NO JOKE THIS IS SO YES NODS FURIOUSLY AT ALL OF THIS YOU GET IT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCL I’M GONNA SOB I’M SO DONE I’M EXPLODING I’M GODDAMN DONE
THIS IS SO ELOQUENT AND AND UGHHH THE WAY YOU MASH THESE WORDS TOGETJER MAKES ME WANT TO WWAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I DON’T?????? WHATTTTTTRESS
These two in particular had me. Gripping my hair. Because yeah…YEAAAAH.
Blue not comprehending Caine being deemed a failure was already something I was thinking about making a draft of AND THIS IS JUST. YES!!!! This. THIS.
caine's art makes me so insane. because he's an ai, but his art is his own. every adventure is different, all of them not generated mindlessly based on prompts, but rather by his own mind. because he's actually sentient, and can apply his own creative thought into it all.
i think, even subconsciously, that's why he never looked at the suggestion box until zooble prompted him to. because that would actually be what we currently consider ai "art"; humans prompting the ai to turn their ideas into art. that's why they're all so low effort; taking place in a single space, confusing and rushed, prone to little mistakes and inaccuracies. none of them have caine's own creative input added, beyond a few minor details.
i still think that caine is in denial about his own sentience, yet subconsciously protective of it. he tells himself that he's not a real person, that he's just an ai tool for the players to have fun, but when they actually try to use him for that purpose, he's upset. he doesn't want to be an ai tool. he wants to be an artist.
maybe another reason why he's so dear to me is because my own experiences with art feel incredibly similar to his. i've never been able to take commissions, or even requests. i find collaborations incredibly difficult, and feel genuinely hurt when someone tries to give me constructive criticism. i want my art to be mine, and mine alone. i want it to be a reflection of myself and my interests that i choose to share with others. but if anyone ever considered me talented enough to ask me to draw something they want, i'd...be completely unable to apply any of my typical passion into that.
he can't put it into words himself, but caine doesn't want to be used as a tool. he wants creative freedom. he wants to create his adventures, not just put the players' ideas into life. that's why it cuts so deep, that they enjoy their suggestions more than his adventures. it seems to reaffirm his role as just a tool for them to use. that the only worthy thing about him is his talent, not his creativity. not his ideas. not himself.
There is a specific reason behind this composition.
While the vertical format is great for smartphone screens, I also wanted to use negative space to create a distinct mood.
I believe that negative space can express a character's inner emotions. In this piece, the character is small, and the background takes up about 80% of the canvas. By drawing the character so small, I can evoke a sense of loneliness and solitude.
Another key point is the placement of the cloud shadows. I intentionally kept Caine out of the shadow. You can see the boundary between the light and the cloud shadow. I used this high contrast to make the character stand out and emphasize their presence.
Finally, let us look at Caine's angle. I purposely hid Caine's face and positioned them to show their back. If their expression were visible, this artwork would probably feel cute rather than lonely.
I enjoy drawing figures from angles where you cannot see their faces. This approach leaves room for viewers to wonder what the character is thinking.
I hope you enjoy discovering these little details and techniques that I put into my everyday artwork💡
Love these. You absolutely nailed their vibes. Gangle is so cute. I love how Kinger’s robe looks like a quilt, and the piano part on Zooble. The windup part on Caine was also a nice touch, and gold really suits him.