heartless princess

i've been missing you daddy.

[elegyforadream]

[moan-s]

[qvotext]

(insta // qvotext)

[innocentandbroken]

In these days I was wondering.. I was wondering about the words. The words, which can destroy your life, but they can make a light for your path too. And once, the biggest creature of God said that the fact, all Your words came out from one place, is disgusting. Because how can we share love through our words and hurt the other person with the same mouth? That's so disappointing.

So nowadays, I was wondering about Your words. When You say, I'm gonna be Your wife, and if I'm not, then nobody else will be. And I love You so much, and I wish I could be Your loving, caring and perfect wife, but I'm just a piece of tragedy and mistake. I'm not as valuable, as You may see. And I feel it, when You are not happy with me. And nothing, and really nothing is more disappointing, than feel Your sadness and everything. Yas.. that's alllll my fault. But I want Your words to be true. I want a life with You.

I love You, Daddy, in the spite of the fact that my heart is full of darkness right now.

[moan-s]

[qvotext]

(insta: qvotext)

[innocentandbroken]

aaand that's a fact, You know. I mean.. why the fuck do people want to say what I'm feeling, when I'm definitely not? and what if I am perrrfectly happy and satisfied with my whole life once in my story? yeah, Daddy, You gave me that happiness and satisfaction, because You.. You have a truly amazing soul and heart.

Nowadays we had some really quality time with each other, and You pick me up every night, and then we have a beautiful night. oh and that's not just because of the sex, or something. but when we talk, and laugh on jokes which only we can understand, these are unforgettable memories. and I really want to say thank You for that.

one of these nights, we had a conversation about the love, or Your "love language". and I was a little bit sarcastic about this case. but then I had to realise, You have even bigger heart, than I could imagine. and You said: "you just act like you don't even know, that I cook for you for a day, or if you want to have a bath, then I clean the whole bathroom just for you" and I really felt that. You are totally right.

I was too selfish to see, what love really is. and that's the point. to learn more and more about each other, and about love. and Daddy, You always taught me how to do it, but I was blind until now.

I will give You everything, what may makes You happy. I promise, Daddy.

[thepersonalquotes]

[innocentandbroken]

I know, I am not an easy one. I am often very picky, and nasty, and always hungry.. hungry for love, attention, passionate, safety. I know, Daddy, You want to stay with me and I know that You appreciate me as well. but, only a girl can feel this suffering from the fear. the fear of lie, and the fear of being alone, or fear of responsibility. I don't know, but I used to be so responsible for my life, but since You were in mine, I lost aaaaall of my control over my decisions. I don't want to feel that.

and now, here in my bed, thinking about the pregnant test, what I will do tomorrow, I don't wanna feel that again.

[hayatimkumarbayimm-deactivated2]

[fotogrimsi-deactivated20230306]

[innocentandbroken]

well, do You remember, when we were travelling by bus? oh I'm sorry, I was too fast in thinking and too slowly in saying. that's me, yes.

so, Daddy, that was in maybe.. October? or November? that was a beautiful Fall-evening. there was a little bit of sun, and a little bit of wind, and that was pretty awesome. we had a date behind that hotel, which I never know the name of.. ah, Intercontinental. that's it, yes. so my parents were totally okay with us finally -or that was just the surface. but that's another story. so before THAT day, we went out, I think the best, and most beautiful date we've ever had. or maybe that's just the time. we started with a bus trip to your brand new Mercedes, and that was funny, bc You lied to me about it, just bc that could be a surprise. I was soo grateful when I saw that key in Your hand, my Daddy. so we went by bus, and I never forget Your face, when You watch my face in that bus. and I suddenly felt something and I understood it.

it really doesn't matter, in which vehicle can we travel, if we are together. and the opposite it's also true, bc if I don't have You, I can have so many other things. I won't be happy. bc I was so happy with You, in that tired sunshine, on that poor bus, after Your work, and just being together.

so fucking satisfying.

[fotogrimsi-deactivated20230306]

[innocentandbroken]

I wish I could just find some rest in loving You. it really hurts sometimes, and I'm afraid of something. I'm afraid we are don't have enough common thing. and that's reeeaally scary. bc if it's true, then we don't have a future together. and that's the most scariest thing in the world. I have been searching for You for years, and You have been waiting for me so long. and just the little things are missing from the 100%. these aren't so big deals, but important for me. and for our relationship. and my faith started to go down and my heart is just hurting, hurting, hurting...

I don't know, where and when shall my hearts be tired of love. that could be a cliché, but it's not. it's for real.

[hayatimkumarbayimm-deactivated2]

[innocentandbroken]

the most satisfying thing from my life right now is this tumblr. why? cause all the things that I loved, have they taken away from me. honestly. except this page. and You know what, Daddy? You can be in my life at this point, bc I hide You away from my world. and that's the truth. I can not do anything by myself, bc in every situation I will something screw up, or I will do something unacceptable. for example I suddenly fall in love. such a shame.

You and me. that's the point. and You are one of my satisfaction Daddy, because I can rest in Your arms and You can do it as well in mines. that could be a cliché, but it's not. it's the truth: every single piece of my life is a scenery, except what You see. and I won't be able to talk about it for You, I know that it isn't Your fault, and You wouldn't be able to handle this. Neither would I.

remember, when I was there I guess on the last week, and I was just lying in Your bed, and just stroking Your hair, Your head, Your chest... my hands smelled like You, after that. I didn't want to wash them because Your smell means everything to me. even if You are sick, or even if You haven't showered for 3 days. who cares?? my heart and my brain memorized You yet.

and nobody can steal You from me. nobody.

[thcartierrug]

@nastyanastya

[innocentandbroken]

I want You to take me every place in the whole world, and I want You to love me the same, as You do it here. I want to make memories with You, and only You. I don't want to forget You. I won't, I know.

[wielkiimarzyciel]

edit🔥

[innocentandbroken]

Daddy, my body misses You so much:

my skin is burning, bc You haven't touch it for 3 days.

my hands are shaking, bc You haven't hold them for a while.

my eyes are crying bc they can't see You healthy.

my head is full of theories and memories bc You have planted them.

my bones are hurting bc they want to feel that pain, what You have got now.

my legs are shaking bc I'm thinking about You, and Your hands around my waist and my neck.

my neck is getting colder bc it misses Your big hands on it.

my hair is a shitty mess now bc when You messed it, then it's called 'beautiful mess'.

and my heart? my heart is in a jar, bc I shouldn't love You at all, but if I pretend that I'm not totally in love with You, then it'll slowly choke me.

I mean the loneliness of Yours.

[moan-s]

[innocentandbroken]

our hopeful future Daddy.

[daylightt1-deactivated20191202]

[bnmxfld]

Tove Lo / 9th of october

[innocentandbroken]

Itt vagyok. nem tudok többé álarc mögé bújni, mintha nem is lennék az, aki. ez az egyetlen poszt elmondja miért ülök most itt az ágyam szélén, és várok. várok. mire? hogy valaki megsajnáljon és észrevegyen? hogy valaki végre megértsen fenntartások nélkül? mire várok tulajdonképpen? végülis az is egy haladás, hogy beismertem magamnak, hogy VÁRAKOZOM.

várom, hogy lerakjam a terhemet. valószínűleg ez a teher én vagyok. teher, amit összegyűjtöttem az évek alatt azzal, hogy másnak adom a figyelmemet, önmagamat. két tűz közé szorultam. választanom kellett. azt választottam, ami a biztonságot adta eddig. miért kellett volna az újat választanom? mert az volt a jövőm, az életem, az édességem az életben, a Vigasz, Remény, Álmok, Tervek, az volt számomra maga az IDŐ.

de miért kellett volna az újat választanom, ha egyszer nem vagyok ilyen? nem vagyok felfedező, nem vagyok hódító, nem vagyok lázadó. én egy szabályokhoz ragaszkodó, talán röghöz kötött, nagyon fiatal, naiv kislány vagyok. ha nem lennének a szüleim? nem lennék az, aki. nem lennék az, aki idegbajt kap, ha nem veszi fel a telefont, aki izgul, ha nem fogadott hívást lát az anyjától, aki fél elkéredzkedni egy buliba, aki FÉL. fél... mitől fél...?

nem tudom. "mert nem a félelemnek lelkét kaptátok..." igaz? a szívem tele van keserűséggel, fájdalommal, és rengeteg rengeteg üvegszilánkkal.

üvegszilánkkal. miből ez a törött üveg? Belőled. Belőled, aki most pontosan tudod, hogy Rád gondolok és hagyod, hogy a maradék morzsát is sarokkal porítsák el bennem mindabból, ami belőlünk maradt. kettőnkből. állítólag a legrosszabb a bizonytalanság. alátámasztom. ez még a reménytelenségnél is borzasztóbb, a kietlen semmisségnél is. mert a bizonytalanság veszi el a reményt. a bizonytalanság veszi el a kitartást. a bizonytalanság veszi el a kedvet, a jóságot, a törődést, a lelkesedést.. mindent, ami jó a nap alatt. és ezeket öli el tőlünk a bizonytalanság. megérdemeljük. mind a ketten ezt. nem akartunk szokványos szerelmet, hát megvolt az ára. "mindennek megvan az ára." ezt Te mondtad. pont pár napja. Neked valószínűleg nem számít már. nem is emlékszel talán már. nekem minden szavad szent volt. és szent a Te emléked is.

elrontottam. megint. itt ülök harmadjára is, mikor megbeszéltük, hogy nem lesz több, nincs még egy esély ha ezt elszúrom. mégis, nevetséges, de itt ülök, és várom hogy értemgyere most, és az éjszaka közepén csak üljünk egymás mellett, és reménykedjünk teljes tudatlanságban. Szentendrén mondtad, hogy a vadkacsák milyen végtelenül boldog életet élhetnek, mert nem számít semmi nekik. teljesen átéreztem. szeretném ha mindketten ilyen egyszerű világban lehetnénk most rögtön, ahol nem számít a 13 év különbség, nem számít a múlt, sem a jövő, sem a társadalmi elvárások, sem pedig az aggodalmak.

de olyan világban élünk mi ketten, ahol már sokadik napja nem tudok enni, tövig rágtam a körmeimet, fogytam sok-sok kilót, fel van puffadva az arcom, hányok idegességemben, és szép lassan idegrohamot kapok. mindezt miért? mert szeretni merészeltem.

hazudnak nekünk. mindenki. mindenki azt hirdeti, hogy szeress! szeress mindenkit, minden felebarátodat! szeress, mert az a helyes út! felszólítanak valamire, és ha elindulsz azon az úton: te leszel a legszörnyűbb teremtés, aki félreértett mindent. rendben. ha így akarják, megkapják, így lesz. ezt Érted is teszem, Apuci, hiába tudom, hogy felesleges, mert te addigra már rég elfelejtesz, mire én ezt beteljesítem. nem érdekel. elindítottál egy úton.

belédszerettem.

éppen ez lesz az oka, hogy minden érzést hidegen és tárgyilagosan akarok mostantól kezelni. nincs időm rájuk. egyedül fogok maradni? remélem, mert senkit nem viselek el magam körül mostantól. elég volt a sok fájdalom, a könyörgés, a bizonytalanság. igazad volt. a sarkamra kell állnom. mivel Téged elvesztettelek, így maradsz meg örökké a szívemben.

ismersz, hogy komoly vagyok. nem lépek vissza. életem legboldogabb pillanatát Veled élhettem meg. köszönöm Neked. erre nincsenek szavak, amit adtál nekem. úgy szeretlek, ahogy vagy. magamnak nem fogok hazudni.

[yesterdaysprint]

Santa Cruz Sentinel, California, October 20, 1932

[thedudeleftthebuilding-deactiva]