I wish I could say that the day my son was born was the best day of my life, but I canāt. I love him and nothing about it makes me love him less. I just canāt come to terms with it. I had to have a c section and that is so hard to live with. I feel so much less of a woman because of it. It is not fair that so many woman I know got to have their babies naturally. i hate myself and I hate that I wasnāt good enough to have my child delivered vaginally. I didnāt get to deliver my baby, it was just taken out of me from a cut in my stomach. I didnāt get to hold my baby for ONE HOUR after he was born. I didnāt get to āgive birthā or have skin to skin after like so many mothers do. and i know that there are woman that have had it way worse and I should be happy that I have a happy and healthy baby, but my suffering is not lesser because there is worse out there. I am happy to have a healthy baby, i am just not happy with how things went. itās not fair that my sister whom had a baby one week before me, got to deliver vaginally. I keep thinking back on everything that happened and what couldāve been done for things to be different. Why did I push for five and a half hours to just be cut open?! Why did my womanhood get ripped away from me? because my water was broken to soon? because the doctor made me start pushing before I was 10 centimeters? My other sister told me to embrace my birth story and I CANT. Iām not trying to be stubborn but it really freaking sucks. I canāt accept it and āembraceā it. I canāt do anything except think of all the different things i can do in my next pregnancy to prevent myself from having a c section. i will push a baby out because I wonāt settle. iād rather die while pushing my baby out than to have to live through another c section. My doctor told me that next time i should just schedule a c section! NO way that is happeneing! How can you say that to somebody?! I will not do that and I will probably have to get a different doctor or a midwife for next time. A ton of things that day didnāt go my way but that is the line that I canāt cross again. Not to mention that my body is so fucking ugly. I have to work hard to get it back but SO many other woman get to bounce back. My stretch marks are atrocious and I see so many other moms that didnāt have any in their entire pregnancy! Why did I get the worst of it all. I love my baby and I wouldnāt trade him for anything. I donāt blame him for anything and he is my life, but I will not embrace it. someone get me a therapist to fix my way of thinking, or prepare for my actions in my next pregnancy. And donāt expect my crying and bitching over this to go away, ever.
