“ next time “

[intboytoy]

but at your best you are

[intboytoy]

five letters. 03:33

I get it, I understand it. I’m not really mad. I’m just disappointed with how I was just sooo on point about everything. I wish I would’ve known sooner. Words from you. I mean it would’ve made it less bearable. Less fortunate to me. No faint memories for me to rely on. And I told you.. if I were to go or you were to die because that’s all you would ask me. Word for word. “ what if died would you…? “

I wouldn’t because I don’t seek anyone other than you. All I was looking for was right in front of me. Yeah. We can both agree. I was mistreating, inconsiderate and careless when it came to you. It took me time cause I was always in a daze about our photobook. I was always under the impression of being high. I’ll stand my ground forever because I do not lie when I also say that… did you really have to go behind my back so often? I just blew. In sept. Cause I was tired of the energy I was around everyone was just so passive and the weird connotations of Indians being cheap.. when I told you that I don’t think it’s a race perspective with individuals I think it’s more so a human attitude or neuro issue ( TOTAL WINE DOORDASH RENTON ) that would give you a better understanding of my eyes and how I process it.. but yeah that made me uncomfortable I just couldn’t be anywhere near it anymore.. I felt it was forming me as well being judgemental and forming processes I didn’t want too.

when you scroll and then scroll through your … well now it’s gone due to update or cleaning out the trash.. the receipts still give you the true situation which was I never liked how you hid things from me and acted all nonchalant when it came to telling me about it being another obstacle or observation. I already knew. You wanted them in pocket so when things got hot you had something to keep you warm already. Something familiar. I just knew it. I just wanted you to hold yourself accountable now I gotta live like “ damn can you believe that? “ and the shit is even crazier cause watch and I’ll mark it. I will cross paths with you. At that concert. It’s what I told you what the fuck do I do? Do I act like we’re nobody? Do I even know your name anymore? Am I suppose to forget everything in the last several years. I am not gonna go out of my way to find you but god, they for sure have a way of putting me in bubbles..

why man why couldn’t you just tell me… why? Why do I have to find out from others why do I have to see it in person? Why… why can’t I just get away from my heart for a while.. my emotions man this shit is just another bubble I hate to chew.

I told you. It was going to be.

now I gotta act like I don’t …. You.

but I see you. I see you clearly.

did we really have to do this to each other?

is there really a “ “ ?

I think I’m good for now. I’ll come here again.. you don’t understand how much I meant it. If you did die, when we were. I never in my life would replace. Cause after you I would mourn you forever.

As I, do today. My emotions hold me captive and I seem to have lost the key. I’m wallowing in an ocean and it’s clear as we can see. I’m just happier I get to wake up and that’s just all I have to be.

I just wish you would’ve told me this, so I wouldn’t have to sit here often. I’d rather talk to myself than talk to you. I don’t wanna open this book up and have someone else read it again.

[intboytoy]

02•04•25 03:00AM

I wanna give thanks, to whatever, whoever oversees and is over me. You know I am quite grateful and the gratitude is overflowing. I remember I used to wish for these things peace, comfort and safety. I would scour for years alone finding a pocket I could wrap in. My own blanket. I found a home. Aside from that I wanna thank the career and job I am. It’s bringing in a greater horizon for me and my peers that being my close family. The higher I go the wider my net is. I am forever in gratitude to my decisions and the destination I know is mine. A high hope. I will pass these fortunes to those I love and endorse. I understand wealth isn’t an apology but I hope it brings great fortune to one’s life.

I live in memories. It’s less of an obsession and just a minuet of depression, I know I tend to dabble in it. All of this is for me, but I know deep down I think it’s of you. I just wish to repay back time. Many more things along the lines but I see your happier, in familiar arms. Aside from this, what have I lied about?

I won’t sit here often right now. I came here to just breathe. I have not that much in my mind other than the exam and work. With you behind my eyes and a bit of replay. I’m heartbroken yeah. I said this back in 2021. Whether you were gone or above. I would never go away from you. I wanna go away. I just tend to do this to myself. I am aware. I guess acknowledging is the first step.

Everyone is moving again, the way things are going it’s developing nature. It’s the passing of time and well it’s for sure doing wonderful. It’s not hard to adapt but I’m bright about it. Slowly people will go back and nest in homelands. Foreign currencies and adjustments of the sort. I can’t wait to join them in solace and glory. Where we own a home, and the food is everything.

what am I not thankful for. This is a gift and I will forever be blessed and appreciate this. I always have. Yet I don’t speak a lot I am internally loud about it. I dream of more and live for it. I wish the best for everyone even when I am in the pickle or the short stick. What is there not to be happy of? Everything, every little thing is a gift to me. Breath, life, time, warmth, home, friends, family, existence, emotions, colors, sound, connections, and all more, more so this life. Life is grand.

I wish and here I go again. I wish I could share it.

Can I airdrop this? Will the bubbles be blue? I know I message a lot.

but I’m just in a rush, my emotions are a rush to me. I have to get it all out or… life isn’t life. I am breathing it and cycling through the world.

welp. Back to the main convo. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Whoever gives me way. Whether it be free will or destiny. I am in such gratitude to make it a home. Live and enjoying it. Thank you to me as well. I remember being so eager to be older. Now I’m older being eager to make more and give it all home.

I’m thankful for my gift of memory. Why? I myself don’t even understand the lengths of my mind. I memorized every photo my eyes take, the videos they save and it’s truly one of my greatest assets or treasures. From uno to now I can replay it. It’s… a blessing for sure.

well I think 30 is good so I’ll close it out with.

me to all, my love is always pure. I understand the trials and tribulations of life. If judgment were to be. I would never form for others, I would just accept the day and walk where I need be. I will find another place to sleep. I would put myself on that stake for I too have been a sorrow.

[intboytoy]

[intboytoy]

where can I feed my delusions?

[intboytoy]

another footprint. I’m never scared to step. I’m willing to drown.

[intboytoy]

Can I? Fall in for a second? Down this slide for maybe a minute or two. It’s always you. Nothing so true. It’s eight o seven and I’m always a blue. A shade of it. I cannot nor will never deny. The time that passes by. Are you knocking on the door again?.. oh wait wrong one.. this isn’t your house that’s next door. Remember it’s royal. I’m just another shade of.. you.. I day dream I tend to dream of a day where I can dream.. about you. What else can I fill. My cup is overflowing. The beauty of experience. I’m so leveled. I don’t need nothing more to see.

[intboytoy]

I give up.

[intboytoy]

my November was those messages before COVID

[intboytoy]

” don’t take this the wrong way I already have a feeling you are but.. here just hear me out I love you and I want the best for you… you don’t have to be stuck with me you can go do things by yourself with your friends so you’re not so glued or like feel like I’m overbearing at times.. go hang out with your friends don’t feel like I gotta be there all the time enjoy yourself.. “ he stated with an assurance he thought he was giving.. she looks at him as her face went from joy to disbelief.. he could tell it struck a nerve in her and he couldn’t believe he was just communicating. With her, feeling as though her world was crumbling before her.

I can relive all of my memories with you. And never forget who you are. I could write books about you and never forget your scent.. it’s glossier and I can go buy a vial.. but I’d rather wait till I pass by you and have that rush come before me.. I await. For someone who doesn’t love me anymore. Someone I dream about, but they have nightmares of me. Someone whose color I love to see, but I’m just grayscale. Anyways.. I’ll try my best to not come here and sleep it off again.

‘next time’ right?

or the first ‘ I love you ‘ you slipped out before us.

I won’t ever forget you. You are a jream.

[intboytoy]

” you’re gonna do me like you did him .. just watch “

[intboytoy]

We use to know each other so well, now I can’t even tell if I’ll ever be well. I’ll go for a drink, but how deep is my well. Yesterday, I didn’t get no mail. I look so happy, but how can you tell? Every time I get up, I always seem to have fell. Next time, I’ll just look for a shell. So when I see you, I’ll stop from a dwell. Please no knock not even a bell. Cause it’s all the same to me, a sound of my knell.

[intboytoy]

I just looked in an old diary I had about you, I still am to this day so wrapped up.. I honestly can’t believe my arms are tied up tightly around water I cannot bear.. what is it about the two. You’re else where and content while I’m looking for my contempt of why I’m so stuck here. I can see it clearly on your end no sense of need to overlook this. I shouldn’t even bother myself as well. I just don’t understand this emotion.. am I just mentally unbalanced.. am I living in a dream? What can I do anymore.. you travel together in a pair share a bed you say it’s fair and it’s not of my sight. I told you you await for such delights. I made a choice I’m not defending on, my eyes aware of something you’ve been depending on. Did I ever lie about the future? Did I ever go astray from such a picture? I painted it clear on a dimensional canvas. Living breathing and colorful as the lies you told me. Am I really the enemy in this story? Am I the one who was seeking such a glory? Now who’s laid up with a coupled morning? But hey this is just another thing you say is corny. My eyes never boring. To a girl who loves touring. But what’s the beach to you? When you wanna see the world. I have a playlist we could run back and forth too. I’ll just put my headphones back on and keep it moving. Another groove to lay on another mood to play on. You use to sing this one well but now I’m the one singing. Sometimes I wake up to sounds of your voice that was bringing. A home, I can’t be thinking.

[intboytoy]

green bubbles

[intboytoy]

sending..

[intboytoy]

your name is my password

[intboytoy]

I can see your shadow in the picture I’m not dumb