So I wrote some fenhawke last night and I like it so I posted it.
Given the Choice
Fenris finds himself spiraling when he feels useless to Hawke
Warnings for past abuse, panic attacks
read on ao3
When he saw Hawke out the window of his mansion walking with the abomination and the blood mage and the dwarf it was the first sign his day was going to be a bad day. The old fear that Fenris had somehow made Hawke mad, made his master angry and was now being punished for not being useful enough. His hands shook like he needed to be doing something, anything to make up for any unseen transgressions. He grabbed his greatsword and headed to the city guard barracks to see if Aveline needed help with an errand. She wasn't there and though Donnic was, he assured Fenris that everything was quiet in Kirkwall and that they greatly appreciated Fenris' willingness to help.
But that didn't help Fenris.
He was nearly hyperventilating when he reached the Chantry, desperate to find Sebastian, knowing there was always something the Prince could find for him to do. But a sister told him he had just missed Sebastian, saying he was attending some of the faithful in Darktown. The sister could see how upset he was and tried to lay a calming hand on his shoulder. He smacked her hand away and she cried out in pain, holding her wrist and looking at him like he was a monster. Fenris cringed away from her, preparing himself for a lashing that wouldn't come and he fled the building without a look back.
Once he was back in the solitude of the mansion he found a room that had been mostly untouched and unsheathed sword and smashed everything is sight.
He was exhausted when is was all done, body shaking now because he could hardly move, muscles swollen from his exertion, breaths coming in ragged gasps. He dragged himself to the master bedroom, noticing the sun was almost gone. A tearless sob forced it's way out of his chest as he fell to the floor. He'd been doing so well, had been making so much progress. He knew Hawke wasn't his master, didn't want to see him that way, knew Hawke would be offended the thought even passed through his head. His fist pounded on the floor. Why did this have to happen? Danarius was gone, he'd seen him killed. He had nothing to fear, no punishment was coming. He was free. And as much as he hated to admit it, that scared him almost as much as Danarius' ghost.
A few more minutes on the floor and he had enough strength to reach for a bottle of wine and pull himself up onto a chair. But that was it wasn't it? His whole life was pushing past hurt and exhaustion to perform his next task, to stand up and prepare for the next inevitable wave of it. He opened the bottle and drank a third of it in one go, thirsty as he was from destroying the guest room. The warmth spread through his body quickly seeing as he hadn't eaten anything that day. He always ate when he was out with Hawke because the man alwys insisted on feeding his companions. Who knew when some of them ate regularly otherwise.
He was just over halfway through his bottle when he heard the front door open.
“Fenris!”
It was Hawke. Sounding scared? Fenris couldn't help his hysteric chuckle. The wine must really be getting to him. He looked up as Hawke all but ran into the room, looking around for any dangers. Fenris simply blinked at him.
“Fenris are you all right?” Hawke stepped over to him, setting his staff down and getting on his slouched level. “Aveline said some of the nobles reported hearing a lot of crashing in here earlier and I thought...” Hawke looked away.
“You thought someone was here to whisk me back to Tevinter as revenge for Danarius or something equally as horrific.” Fenris took a drink from the bottle before shaking his head. “I simply destroyed a guest room is all.”
Hawke looked at him again, confusion plain on his face. “You destroyed a guest room?”
“And you didn't take me along with you today.” He swallowed thickly, not meaning to reveal the reason behind his destructiveness.
Hawke realized what he meant immediately. They'd worked through similar episodes years back when Fenris had latched onto Hawke in the first place. “You wouldn't have liked it anyway. We were in the alienage and the sewers.”
“Helping mages I presume.” Fenris sneered.
“You know I was.” Hawke confirmed looking at him seriously. “All the more reason you wouldn't have enjoyed tagging along.”
“You could have at least given me the choice.”
Hawke looked down guiltily. “That's true. I apologize.” Hawke knew how important choice was to Fenris, how essential it had become to his recovery.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Fenris' stomach growled angrily. Hawke gave him that stern look that was completely Hawke, a concerned provider and natural caretaker. “Have you eaten today?” He asked.
Fenris took another long draw from the bottle in his hand. “No.”
Hawke reached out to take the bottle, stopping when his hand was almost touching the bottle. “Can I take this?”
“I don't fucking care what you do Hawke.” Fenris slurred, though they both knew it was a lie.
The man took the bottle anyway. “Can I take you to get something to eat? We'll go to the estate and find you something to soak up all this alcohol.”
Fenris stared at him for a few minutes before nodding. Though he was drunk, Fenris could feel the gratitude in his chest that Hawke was letting all this be his decision, put the control back in his hands.
Hawke put Fenris' arm over his broad shoulders and pulled him up. He snaked the toe of his boot underneath his staff and flipped it up into his waiting hand and they walked out of the dilapidated mansion into the inky night of Kirkwall's Hightown.
Fenris was glad Hawke's estate wasn't very far from his mansion. He could hardly walk, his legs still refusing to work properly due to his exertions earlier and his current drunkeness. He was completely relying on Hawke and he hated the gut clenching fear that sprung up at the idea of being dependent.
When they got inside the estate, Hawke called out for Bodahn who was still awake. The dwarf took Hawke's staff and helped him out of his armor before Hawke asked him to fetch Orana to get some bread, meat, and cheese and have it brought to the dining room. He turned slowly back to Fenris and knelt down in front of him again. “Can I help you out of your armor?” He asked.
Fenris held his gaze, sure they both remembered that night three years ago. “You can.” Fenris couldn't help but be surprised Hawke still cared for him so. That night had ended so badly, but Fenris still wore Hawke's favor around his wrist because of how deeply he loved Hawke, how hopelessly lost he could get in the man's eyes, how strong he felt when fighting side by side. As terrifying as those thoughts were, he'd never had anyone to himself, never been allowed to love anyone except Danarius, twisted as it was. His eyes fell closed as Hawke reached up to remove his breastplate. He could smell Hawke this close, magic and leather and sweat. Fenris attempted to help loosen his gauntlets, but his fingers fumbled around until Hawke held them still, his large tanned hand covering his infuriatingly small hands.
“Will you let me take care of you, Fenris?”
Even through the fog in his head, Fenris could feel the weight of that question. He stared at Hawke, using his face as an anchor against the fear that question brought up.
“At least for tonight?” Hawke amended.
“Yes,” Fenris heard himself say, not sure which question he was answering.
Hawke nodded and made quick work of the rest of his armor. He helped Fenris into the dining room where a plate of food was waiting for them. Deposited into his own chair, Fenris began eating almost at once, his hunger taking over every other thought.
“Do you want to spend the night?” He heard Hawke ask.
“Please.” Fenris replied around a mouthful of bread.
“I'm going to help Bodahn set up a guest room.” He stepped forward like he wanted to put a hand on Fenris' shoulder, but thought better at the last minute. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”
The plate was mostly empty when Hawke returned. Fenris felt much better, his head not quite so muddled. He glanced at the man, now dressed in the finery he usually wore around the house. “I wanted to apologize, Hawke.” He said quietly. He couldn't quite dredge up enough courage to look Hawke in the eye however, so he spoke to the floor. “I didn't mean to fall so far back in my recovery. I thought I had been doing well.”
Hawke sat in the chair next to him. “May I touch you?” He asked softly.
“Yes,” Fenris murmured.
Hawke held his hand, squeezing lightly. “You are doing well, Fenris. Today, might be a hiccup but that only means tomorrow can be better.”
Fenris looked up at him, a small smile on his lips. He reached up and touched Hawke's cheek. “It's because of you that I have come this far.”
“You've done all the work, I've only encouraged you to be your best.”
Fenris found himself chuckling at that. He leaned forward and kissed Hawke softly on the lips. “Do I have to stay in the guest room tonight?”
“You can stay in whatever room you like.” Hawke assured him.
Fenris nodded. “May I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
Fenris smiled. Hawke was always prepared to give his companions his all. It would kill him if he wasn't careful. He cleared his throat. “My activities earlier have left me sore,” He was nervous to ask outright and hoped Hawke would understand.
The man smiled at him. “You want me to do something about that?”
“You're going to make me ask for it aren't you?”
“It's good for you to verbalize.” Hawke told him.
Fenris sighed heavily. “Would you rub my shoulders, please?” The fear that accompanied asking for anything was stronger today than most days, but he took a deep breath and attempted to calm himself.
“Of course, Fenris." Hawke replied with warmth in his voice. "Is my room okay?”
Fenris nodded and they headed up the slowly up the stairs. Hawke asked if it was okay if he shut the door, to which Fenris agreed, though the idea of privacy still baffled him sometimes. He removed as much clothing as he was comfortable removing and he sat on the edge of Hawke's bed. Hawke crawled up behind him and he could feel the hesitation in his position.
“What is it?”
“Would you be opposed to my using magic?” He asked quietly. Fenris felt himself tense and winced at the pain deep in his muscles. “Anders taught me some more healing magic and I think it would help.”
He couldn't help but grimace at the mention of the abomination. “Very well.”
“I know that probably doesn't help that I mentioned him, but he really is a wealth of knowledge for me as a mage.”
“Please stop talking.”
“Right. Sorry.” He heard Hawke rub his calloused hands together and felt the pull of magic against his markings. “I'm going to touch you now.” Hawke warned softly.
Fenris nodded and relaxed into Hawke's touch. The magic was simply pulsing rejuvenating heat into his exhausted muscles. He hated to admit it, but the magic felt nice and it was helping. Hawke's hands moved deftly over his skin, relaxing and healing as he went.
“Is it all right if you lay back so I can get your arms and legs?”
Fenris nodded again and they both adjust their positions. He was a little too nervous to lay on his stomach, so he lay on his back so he could watch as Hawke rubbed his arms down. Fenris sighed contentedly, feeling at ease for the first time today. Hawke moved on to his legs and Fenris' eyes slid closed, unable to stop a small whimper from escaping his lips. He heard Hawke take in a slow breath.
“Fenris, can I kiss you?” He asked shyly, his hands stopping, and Fenris almost laughed. A man like Hawke shy?
Fenris opened his eyes and sat up on his elbows. He looked at Hawke for a moment, taking in his hesitancy and slightly cowed look. This was something the other man really wanted and probably had wanted for three years. It was Fenris' own cowardice and trepidation that kept them apart. They both wanted this.
He sat up fully and leaned into Hawke, their lips nearly touching. Fenris felt the old fear rise up threatening to choke him. Hawke's hands ran reassuringly up his arms, but he didn't move forward, making every part of this Fenris' decision. With a steadying breath, Fenris closed the gap between them, letting himself melt into Hawke's arms, his kiss, his warmth. Hawke pulled him close, crushing him to his chest. Fenris wrapped his arms around Hawke's neck and pulled him back, down so Hawke was above him.
“Is this all right?” Hawke asked, breaking the kiss. He brought a hand up to Fenris' face, thumb running over his cheek.
“Yes,” Fenris said, breathless. “I want this. I want...” He pulled Hawke back down to kiss him again before he said anything he wasn't ready too. Yes he loved Hawke, but knowing and admitting were two different things, and knowing was hard enough already. He ran his hands through soft black hair taking in as much of Hawke as he could. He wasn't sure when they would do this again, when he would let himself have this again. So they kissed, chaste and sweet, hands never wandering where they weren't wanted.
When Fenris' exhaustion threatened to overtake him, he put a hand on Hawke's chest and broke their kiss. He looked up at the man above him. “I don't want to stop.”
Hakwe's brow furrowed for a second. “Then let's keep going?” He smiled charmingly down at him before he leaned in to kiss him again.
“Hawke,” He leaned away but he was smiling, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. “I need to sleep. I don't think I can stay awake much longer.” He admitted, disappointed though he was.
“Do you want to stay in here with me?” Hakwe asked, nuzzling underneath Fenris' jaw.
“I do.”
Hawke raised his head again and smiled at him, delighted by the news. He held tightly onto Fenris' arms and rolled them over so that Fenris was on top. “All right?”
Fenris settled in, resting his head against Hawke's chest and smiling. “Wonderful.”
