SpeakEasy

My home away from home. Here, I express emotions that plague me on a daily basis and I attempt to do so honestly. My life communicated in a few sentences... or more!

[inthewordsofbean]

She’s backkkkk!

[inthewordsofbean]

I Choose Me

I walk away from situations that mean me no good, offer little benefits or increase my stress levels all the time. I am one of those people who can truly do bad all by themselves so I don’t need anyone adding negativity. I’ve seen so many things in life, and although I don’t mention them often, they have shaped me into the woman I am today. I refuse to accept trifling behavior from anybody, especially someone who is interested in the prospect of being with me. You show me something once and I address it immediately. If it continues to be an issue or escalates in any way, I gather myself and leave. No man is worth my sanity. When you’ve seen people you love receive the worst treatment, you make up in your mind that you will not fall victim to the same patterns. You realize that no amount of feelings can justify engaging in a vicious cycle that produces anger, bitterness and in some cases violence. Every woman is different, and therefore I don’t expect everyone to move like I move. But for me, and forever, I will ALWAYS choose myself over being attached to someone. You can call it mean, selfish, short-sighted, immature, etc. I’ve learned to choose the one who truly matters and that’s always going to be me. Always.

[inthewordsofbean]

@sydneyvleigh

[inthewordsofbean]

Baby sis is a fool @sydneyvleigh

[inthewordsofbean]

No fear

"Fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself." --Albus Dumbledore With this in mind, I must address a pervasive social construct that exists to divide our humanity. White supremacy, I call you out by name. I see you and I abhor you. By my mere existence, I seem to infringe upon your right to remain superior over me. I stand before you dipped in brown skin, topped with kinks and coils, and armed with rhetoric you deem dangerous. My Black feminism frightens your systems of oppression, and my unwillingness to cower threatens your pursuit of happiness. For these reasons, and many more, I am unapologetic. See, I am the manifestation of my ancestors' wildest, most rebellious dreams and the blessed result of generations' worth of intercessory prayer. I am the perseverance of hope that you tried to eliminate at every auction block and under every magnolia tree. Your brute force and your psychological warfare may have claimed countless bodies and minds, but your egregious efforts have their limits. My gait remains free of fear. My speech rings with resistance. While you fight for the privilege to remain superior, I will protest for my right to equity and equality. Whether your trumped up demagogue's reign lasts a year, four years or eight, I will work tirelessly to undermine you.

[inthewordsofbean]

Quick story time

Okay so the story goes a little like this..... I put him close to sleep after a round and a spliff. But I was madT thirsty, like super. And he didn't have anymore bottled water, so I asked him very politely to go get me some. Of course he said no. I'm sure he was in a state of mild euphoria because that's what good 💦 and 🍃 will do to you. But I was not having it! So I kept on asking and pouting, but to no avail. Then I just said what you don't tell a dude after you give him the ride of his life. I grumbled a little too loudly, "I bet I won't be back next time. Let me call my ride." 😂😂😂😂😂😂 (My car was at my cousin's, since he wanted to be all chivalrous and pick me up. 🙄) Chhhhhh!!!! When I tell you he started acting up. Lmfaoooo I was called all kinds of childish and immature and blah blah blah! So I'm sitting up in the bed with this defiant, victorious grin on my face as he gradually puts his clothes on. 😭😂😭😂 So as he's about to walk out the door to go get me a water, I say "You not gonna give me a kiss before you go?" 😊😉🙃 Bitch! That's how you fuck em up! He stopped and turned around, and gave me a ole nasty smooch on the MOUF! That's riiiiight. 💪🏾🙌🏾😘

[filmchrist]

me

[inthewordsofbean]

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I put him on. I cut him off. I move on. I glow up. He falls off. He crawls back. I.... I accept his dumb ass back because I love him more than he could ever love me. What the fuck is wrong with me.

[inthewordsofbean]

Phantom texts

"Around 2 pm everyday I check my phone like an idiot. This is why I don't need you in my life. 🙄 YEP. I blame you. Don't be funny about it either, because it's sad. I'm a grown ass woman and I'm being foolish. Instead of just saying 'Bean I'm texting this chick now and she's important to me,' you just STOP talking to me. I hate you. I really do. Ughhh. I'm blocking you." I almost sent this. But nah.

[inthewordsofbean]

[inthewordsofbean]

Emotional Labor

I am TIRED from an intense introspective journey. Girl, if I had the energy, I would cry my eyes out. But I am just so tired and really, really, sad. But, it's a quiet pain. It's mild grief, I think.

[inthewordsofbean]

Realest meme I ever saw.

[inthewordsofbean]

Paid transparency

You can pay the ultimate price, and somehow, they can still find a way to tax you. But unlike any other moment in my 25 years of living, I recognize that it is not my responsibility to do the extra emotional work. It is not up to me to change anyone's perception or consumption of the truth. I cannot--and will not--apologize for choosing myself. Perhaps, I am too self-interested and self-involved to cower behind doing what makes everyone feel good versus what feels good to me. I would ask for forgiveness, but that would be disingenuous. Keep it for someone who truly wants it.

I am, for the record, a single, unmarried, childless woman. I am independent of my parents. Therefore, every decision whether momentous or inconsequential will revolve around my needs and desires.

I am at that stage where I value my happiness over others. Disagree with all your might, but my response remains unchanged. I empathize with those who feel slighted and jilted by my decisions. I do! Honestly. But, at the close of every night, my conscious remains clear. I may sound incredibly short-sighted to some of you. So be it. But I am not asking for your permission to be who I am and whether I should have the audacity to live everyday on my terms. I do not owe anyone an explanation, yet here I am, declaring my rationale to the Facebook world. Why? Simply, I was inspired to do so. I am a writer first; any and everything is relegated as an afterthought to my undiagnosed compulsion. I am compelled to communicate, explicate and in some cases, advocate my feelings, opinions, ideals, etc. That's who I am. Get to know me at your own risk.

[inthewordsofbean]

Deserted love

You may have blocked me but I don't care. You don't say you love someone, and MEAN IT, and then say well I want you to leave my life. I never said that. I would never say that. I told you that I couldn't do that type of committed relationship right now. I said that I couldn't give you what you wanted. Not that I didn't love you. I said that I would walk away from a relationship because you deserved someone who could give you what you wanted. I faced my own shortcomings and told you early so it wouldn't manifest later. I leveled with you. I said I needed a break. You thought I was being standoffish, and in a few ways, I was. I can't stress enough to you my sadness, and my grief over it all. But never once did I say I wanted us to dissolve, to never speak again. I asked for, begged, demanded time, respect and understanding. Of course now you don't see it that way. You're stuck on being angry and resolute in being done with me. All of that, I respect. But this is why I don't like saying I love you because people misconstrue it. Love endures. Love abounds. Love respects. Love exists. It doesn't die. And I never once said I fell out of love with you, because how could I? You're a part of me.

[inthewordsofbean]

I lied to him a lot. I see that now.

Every time I said, “I love you,” I didn’t totally mean it. I know everyone says not to judge what I had with him with the love I experienced in the past. There’s merit to that line of thinking, of course. But I knew it wouldn’t have worked when I heard his voice over the phone. It was too light, too airy. It would’ve never cemented me into a relationship. That is the truth. 

[blackfashion]

Sydney Van Leigh 

USA

Submitted& Photographed by: Sydney Van Leigh

sydneyvleigh.tumblr.com

IG:

VIIVLEIGH

[inthewordsofbean]

💜💜💜💜 baby sis

[junglepussy]