Someone would ask, "How's it going?" and I would answer it with, "It's okay."
Well, the truth is I'm not quite okay. It's hard to explain to people how uneasy my life is right now, that I'm constantly worrying about my career and financial security, and that I'm having anxiety attacks every now and then.
Some big things happened in my life lately. Recently, I resigned from my job. It wasn't an easy choice. I have had a hard time dealing with my anxiety, which affected my performance at work. I would "freeze" every time my anxiety attacks, and the only thing that I could do to stop it was to take a short break and nap it away. But it didn't help that much. The anxiety was still there. It didn't stop. So, I have to force myself to work hard and double my effort to do my task. It was exhausting, but I had no choice. I have to finish all my deliverables by the end of the day.
I couldn't remember why and how my anxiety started. But I recall being anxious after becoming a senior in my role. Being a senior means having huge responsibilities and expectations at work. I felt a lot of pressure by having this kind of thought. It almost felt like I needed to be in my "perfectionist state" to become an ideal Senior Developer.
In preparation for my seniority role, I've read technical blogs and articles related to the technologies I would be dealing with in my work, refined my skill sets, and practiced coding by starting small self-initiative projects. I was making some good progress. But I remember I was still anxious because I felt like all the efforts that I was making were not enough.
The work had started, and I had been given a project and user stories to work with. Somehow, there was an overwhelming pressure and worry I would think -- like thoughts that I shouldn't make any mistakes at work, be able to deliver all my user stories on time, and so on. I think these kinds of thoughts are normal. But the problem was it grew into a sense of dread.
Every day, I would always worry about my work, even when there were no things to worry about. I would constantly overthink, and let my thoughts consume me. A part of me tells me that it was kind of my fault I gave in to my thoughts and never let myself rest once in a while.
I grew mentally exhausted, and so did my anxiety. Worst, it gave me bad ideations because I want to end my anxiety and rest once and for all. From that, I know how bad my anxiety and burnout I was.
With all that said, I decided to resign. I want to rest for now, at least for some months to destress from everything, hoping that I could recover in time.
But now, I'm anxious about my career and financial stability.
This is the first time that I will be vacant for some time. With no job means no income. Having that said, I have to be thrifty for now. I am just anxious that I might exhaust my life savings from all the unknown expenses that I might encounter in the future.
Another thing is my career. I worry that I might have a difficult time landing a job after anxiety happens and being vacant for some time. Explaining it well is a challenge so that's one of the things I am constantly anxious about right now.
This anxiety never stops, isn't it? Well, I'm trying to relax the best I can.
I'm still having anxiety attacks from these thoughts, but it wasn't as severe as compared to before. I had a session with my psychiatrist and she gave me medication for my anxiety, which helps a lot. She also gave me pointers and advice on how to handle my anxiety attacks better, one of which is to get back into journaling.
I think that's about it. Hopefully, everything's going to be alright.
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