regulation

you'll come back someday

[introvertedexcavator]

again, don't really know where to go, so here we are. i feel like this weak, brittle, pathetic version of myself. i want to quit all of my commitments and forget about everyone, and sleep. i just slept for two hours, skipping my job (my friend coverered me). i spent the day in class staring at my computer screen and going to the bathroom to cry, feeling the eyes of my classmates and feeling like an alien, or a parasite, or whatever is unwanted and alone. tried to explain to my professor my concerns with my project, and she was understanding, but i didn't feel fully heard, so i just felt like i had disclosed my mental instability for nothing but pity, which made me feel disgusting and awful. cried on the bus ride home. i'm gonna go to sleep again so i don't have to deal with the rest of today. i officially stopped counseling yesterday, because it was only taking my money and making me feel worse. my sister told me i should go to church yesterday when i tried to reach out. my friends don't reach out anymore because i told them not to. i'm an idiot and i'm ungrateful and i'm alone because i thought it would be safer. i'm a burden to my friends. i hope they're able to be happy without me, without check ins from me. i don't have anything to give them.

[introvertedexcavator]

I’m not sure if any of you are around anymore, but this talking through this thing used to make me feel safe, so I’m gonna try it again. 

I haven’t really been able to keep my head above water recently; I’ve allowed it to show up in my grades. I’m behind on multiple assignments, and I’m supposed to be applying for jobs right now but I can’t imagine any place wanting to hire me. I can’t imagine wanting to work anywhere, or doing anything for more than a couple of months. 

I’ve started doing this thing when I start to think of things that usually make me anxious; I think of a song and sing it all the way through in my head. my brain has been like a jukebox recently, but it’s kind of effective. my head hurts right now. 

I can feel the need to cry in me, but I’ve been stuffing it down recently and I’m not sure how to get it to come to the surface. I have an application due at midnight and I’m not prepared for it at all. I have a glass of beer next to me, my phone is at the end of my bed. 

I’ve lost two friends in the last two weeks, three in the last few months. it’s my fault, for disappointing them. I’m disappointing everyone now. I force myself to follow up when I’m really tired and keep my feelings quiet so no one else leaves. but I think deep down I want everyone to leave, so I don’t have to answer to anyone. so no one else can hurt me, so I can’t hurt anyone. life is painful enough as it is. 

my counselor doesn’t know what to do with me anymore. I don’t have any motivation to find someone new. 

my whole body hurts when I cry now. my teeth chatter and my head hurts and my hands shake.

[introvertedexcavator]

i like kissing you and i like when you touch the small of my back and i like how we look at each other and laugh for no reason at all. i like how your eyes get big when i tell you like you. i like you i like you i like you i like you.

[introvertedexcavator]

I think I've avoided my depression for a day which is cool. no crying. gonna have a drink

[introvertedexcavator]

i am not interested in ending my life but i'm also desperately uninterested in life and no one cares because no one really can it's okay because soon enough i'll be used to it but for now my head hurts from crying

[introvertedexcavator]

i took a shower and thought i was done crying and i just started again

it’s been over two hours

i’m posting here because i don’t want to burden my friends and this makes me feel like i’m talking to someone

[introvertedexcavator]

just tried writing and it didn't bring me anything, make me feel anything. my eyes are like rivers. telling people how i feel makes me feel misunderstood and helpless. i make other people feel helpless. people have their own lives to live and their own problems and i don't feel taking up space anymore. so i cry alone in the dark and wait for the next day and the next distraction and i'm just gonna wait until it's all over.

[introvertedexcavator]

mmmm i don't want to be like this but i don't have any energy in me to change. and i feel like change is pointless. i just need to get used to feeling like this. it'll be easier later.

[introvertedexcavator]

i don't really know how to successfully live or exist anymore. i just spend each day hoping i won't cry, crying eventually, and then waiting for it to be a responsible time to sleep. almost every thought scares me, almost every turn brings me to another sad thing. i don't know how to do this. i have to keep pushing on because i have to, but there's nothing in me that really wants to. i don't look forward to anything. i can fake smiles and feel tangible contentment for a few moments but overall i'm just struggling to get through. the distractions are welcome, but they're exactly what they sound like - distractions. the shit still lies under the surface. i have plans to see a friend in a few minutes and i don't know how i should dress or if i should put on makeup or if i should cry now or wait until she's gone or cry when she's here. i'm so tired.

[introvertedexcavator]

i really think the universe is trying to fuck with me

like it doesn’t want me to live with any amount of consistent happiness or contentment

so i’m gonna give in and embrace the shitiness of this

[introvertedexcavator]

i used to think i knew what hopelessness and sadness felt like but this is next level i've never cried this much and i've never felt as horrible and i've never felt as alone

[introvertedexcavator]

i've never been this sad before

[introvertedexcavator]

this song is about you, a playlist by Chloe Isaac on Spotify

no, not you.

I made a great playlist about everyone I’ve ever fallen for lol and I’m up late so I’m gonna post it all over social media

[introvertedexcavator]

don’t bother looking for a chair just throw your coat down anywhere I’m sorry I’m so poorly dressed I gave up hoping for a guest

[nicethingsinuglyhandwriting]

Our relationship wasn’t the sun, the moon, and the stars, but it wasn’t bullshit either // Junot Diaz.

[introvertedexcavator]

I say I just want to kiss someone but I really just want to kiss him :/

[ryangoslingsource]

“There’s something to be said for having even unrealistic dreams. Even if the dreams don’t come true – that to me is what’s beautiful about Los Angeles. It’s full of these people who have moved there to chase these dreams. A lot of those people are told by people around them that they’re crazy, or that they’re living in la la land. I wanted to make a movie that saluted them a little bit, and that kind of unrealistic state of mind.” - Damien Chazelle