RECKLESS.

[exo-stentialism]

Baekhyunnie being the softest boyfriend and wishing his Eries a good night ☁️🌙 // Baekhyun IG Live 181221

[cir]

GIMME ALL YOU’VE GOT: For @invained and the two idiots that don’t seem to know anything beyond their own worlds – even if that means each other.

[cir]

things you said when you were drunk

He appears at Baekhyun’s door, somewhere between disheveled and an utter mess. He fists up a hand ready to knock when the door opens without it, to a Baekhyun who pulls him in without question. Even if Baekhyun doesn’t ask, Jack’s the one answering: 

“I didn’t know where else to go.” 

When Baekhyun’s finally got his eyes on him, he smiles and something hurts. 

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go but here.”

Time moves so slow, and whether it’s the alcohol or how at home he feels next to Baekhyun, he isn’t sure of. The neither of them have said anything beyond his couple epiphanies at the door mat – and yet the quiet is comfortable, one he finally remembers how to breathe in. He’s got his head on Baekhyun’s thighs, laying there because he wouldn’t have it anywhere else but. His eyes are closed, even if he can feel Baekhyun constantly scoping his face, looking for answers to the way he’s not Jack today, but someone unfamiliar.

When he opens his eyes, Baekhyun meets it, unafraid and ready. It’s Jack that’s not ready for it, the confrontation of conversation. “My mom’s in jail.” When it admits it, his own voice rings in his head and the words in itself seem humorous. A joke. Cynical. He surveys Baekhyun’s face, but there’s not an ounce of judgement; just willingness, and the closing of proximity – Baekhyun’s language of asking him to continue. “Remember I told you my mom’s pretty big and important? Well. She’s the president. Well, ex-president now. Yeah. I know. You think I’m drunk.” He’s laughing but it’s never really what a laugh is supposed to mean. At it, Baekhyun shifts on the couch, and places one of his hands on Jack’s forehead. At it, Jack lulls, his body and mind doing the same.

“She hates me. And I don’t like her that much either. I mean, come on. What she did was fucking terrible. She was so corrupt. She always was.” He speaks half with his hands, arms always in motion and too active. Even with how nimble he is, Baekhyun remains calm, unruffled. “But she’s still my mom at the end of the day. She always was.”

His voice trails somewhere else, and he quiets, the room quieting with him. Somehow, Baekhyun’s place seems much smaller today, while the world seems so vast outside his very door. Everything is happening too much, and he’s not ready for any of it.

“Hey Baek?” His words slur, the alcohol still affecting his speech. “Don’t find me weird or anything when I tell you this but… I was with so many people today. People that liked me and some that despised me… and so many in between. I met so many new people and there were just so many bodies surrounding and around me…” He closes his eyes once more, relaxing to the circles that Baekhyun draws on his chest. “But it didn’t feel like it. Among all the people… all I could think about was how you weren’t there. Your absence. I almost felt lonely. It was so strange. There were so many people… and yet none of them were you.” Baekhyun’s fingers cease, and Jack holds a breath the same way. “And yet here, I feel so…”

He exhales. “Not alone. With.” He breathes. “With.”

The next time he opens his eyes, he tugs at Baekhyun to lay with him. When he settles, he’s pulling Baekhyun into his chest, arms surrounding him. “You’re the only place I know to go, Baekhyun.“

“And that’s okay.” Baekhyun whispers, almost for the first time that night. Jack remains, still, unmoving – his hands no longer so jittery, and his heart steadfast. 

He smiles against Baekhyun’s shoulder, before he exhales, lungs expelling out: warmth, warmth, warmth.

[cir]

things you said when you thought i was asleep

There’s a quiet that tethers him here, solemnly, and surely. 

Baekhyun’s exhales in between his inhales are the only bit that serve as a reminder that time continues to move on. That the night continues to live on, without a care about how many still lie awake, for no particular reason one can pinpoint.

“Jack, you don’t understand.” He tries to catch him, but Baekhyun slips right between the spaces of his fingers, and leaves him steps behind. “I’m sorry, but you don’t.” Baekhyun’s shoulders shrug, as if defeated, his palms and eyes all closed like he’s trying to keep everything out and ten feet away. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you just can’t understand. God, I sound like an asshole but that’s just how it is, Jack. Please.” He’s not sure what to say. He never does; never has.

“Can we talk about it, at least?” It’s a request, and his voice shakes with it, his hands pleading with him; the body earnestly asking for some kind of absolution of conversation.

Baekhyun looks at him and they’re with eyes he’s never seen before. His gaze cuts him in two, right down and across where it matters the most. “My issues are going to go away in a day. They aren’t – they just, aren’t, Jack.” Baekhyun’s eyes drop from him, and a smile graces his face instead. It’s the kind that doesn’t sit right, an antithesis to it’s purpose. 

“I’m sorry.”

(…)

“Are you asleep?” His voice is tender, with no strength to his words. “Did you finally fall asleep, Baekhyun?” Everything feels out of place (the clock ticking, the rumbling thunder outside the window, himself – Baekhyun), even here, where things shouldn’t. “Well that’s a relief. That’s…” The air presses up on him all too much, and it forces him to stand. “…good.” His steps fumble towards the speakers just a few meters away from where Baekhyun sleeps, as he grabs the ipod sitting besides it. He scrolls through artists he’s all too familiar with now, all thanks to no one but Baekhyun, and settles on the song he looks for from the beginning.

(–So much is going on / But you can always come around / Why don’t you sit with me for just a little while? / Tell me, what’s wrong?)

He lowers the volume until the music is static in his background, letting the tune filter in and out of focus to it’s own accord. When he returns to where Baekhyun sleeps, he isn’t sure if it’s his own wishes altering perception, but he swears that Baekhyun looks more comfortable. He walks over till he’s right besides him, taking a seat once more. Here he observes Baekhyun’s face, and how the light doesn’t seem to dare touch him, like it is afraid, of something even it doesn’t know. 

He doesn’t mean to, but a sigh escape him, before he bows his head against Baekhyun’s hand. His forehead touches at his knuckles, brushing over them while he tries not to notice how his hands seem to hold the slightest tremor to them. He tries not to notice it as much as he’s tried his best to look away from the way Baekhyun’s been touching his lips one too many times this month, or rubbing along his neck. All like a child, afraid of something he doesn’t know. 

Will never understand.

“You keep saying your problems aren’t going to go away.” He doesn’t lift his head when he speaks, because suddenly everything is so heavy. There’s something pressing against his chest, and another thing pushing at the skirts of his skin. When he feels the sun on his back warming up his skin, it’s the only reminder to pick his head up. But it’s enough.

(–You say the world, it doesn’t fit with you / Why don’t you talk to me for just a little while? / I can only try to make it right)

“But I won’t either.” 

[cir]

@erythrecyte @rigorxmyn @invained @3012v @zureo @jaenv @consilian @pullstrings @cespires @petalurn @ergoprox @603k @luxinexitium @inhyelation @hyejvng 

[invained]

hi. i know that my activity on here has been very sparse, so if you’d still like to reach me, my discord is 재현#5145 ! also, i’m a few hours too late, but happy holidays everyone! 

[toymp3]

Visit Original Link

My Jinji // Sunset Rollercoaster

[invained]

@603k​

( … )

“i was perfectly fine with playing i spy and making our own dialogue for other people.” kiel sneaks in this commentary through the duration of a useless glance to the side. “you’d be pissed if i asked you to do the same for me.” and then he’s looking at his companion again, glasses off this time to see nothing other than a blob with, surprise! all the more animation a blob could ever have. a headache, personified. that’s what i think about you.

at least right now.

“you’re no fun.”

his lips form into something between a pout and a frown, but he almost never means it. the cup sitting in front of him is now empty, a not-so-gentle reminder for the caffeine running wild in his veins. the heartbeat in his ears are drum kicks. his feet tap along to the dull rhythm beneath his temples. “you know me better than that. i would play along to anything you wanted, i spy or not.”

traffic resides and the streets start to loosen up just a bit. the couple, the two friends, and the woman are all out of sight, and the crowd’s moving a little too fast for baekhyun to keep up, so he keeps his eyes trained on kiel for the most part.

“game over– i win. wanna get out of here?”

[invained]

@cepid

( … )

He’s left staring at his books, then up towards any direction not towards behind the counter. And somewhere in his peripheral vision, he swears on every drink he’d rather have and enjoy but coffee – that barista boy smiles, and at him.

quick glances won’t kill him. not at all. it’ll seem more like a coincidence with the way his eyes trail over to the table in the corner, then back to the thin streamline of coffee pouring out of the machine. his mind’s distracted for the most part when he fills a cup with two parts dark roast and one part milk, and even more so when he’s shaping the foam on top into leaves.

“one cappuccino up and ready!”

in the end, his concentration collapses altogether as he slides the cup across the counter with the excuse of looking back up. but it’s only for a brief moment before he’s pulled away by another coworker– “six orders of americano, two decaf– i mean, who orders decaf coffee? it’s not even coffee at that point.” min shuffles through the tickets one by one before pinning them all up in consecutive order. “baekhyun, you’ve been really distracted today. i know you think that guy is cute, and i know because you’ve been ogling at him since he got here, but you know what isn’t cute? these five cold brews waiting on you to make them. who orders cold coffee in thirty degree weather? jesus christ. i don’t get some people, but it’s still your job.”

the words coming out of min’s mouth sound a lot like nothing, and baekhyun waves him off half-heartedly with a, “yeah, yeah, i’ll get to them right now.” he has more important matters to deal with, anyway, and coffee isn’t one of them.

it’s still the same reminder stuck in his head like a broken record player, like saying a word one too many times before it loses its meaning. quick glances won’t kill him. but maybe those eyes staring right back will, so he flashes a grin at no one in particular (or so he says for empty comfort) to soften the blow just a little bit.

and god forbid he receive one right back, because it’s almost time for them to close.

[spacetaemin]

[+2,832, -32] It’s cold today, dress warmly on your way to heaven. You worked hard.

[invained]

@603k​

( … )

kiel breathes through his nose - this, taking time. opens his mouth next, his tongue stuck on deciding between stopping himself or - “you’re probably full of shit if you think i came here to eat with you.” probably. what else could that grin possibly fucking mean? “’m not hungry.” he closes his left hand into a fist yet again, anchors it to his cheek as he draws his other hand away into his lap. the corner of his mouth’s the next thing to twitch, this a little too soon for his liking. this, before he can look away, replace solemnity with his tongue, up and out just by a centimeter. the pomp’s been consistent this whole time.

he’s already lost.

“really? what are you here for, then?”

oblivion takes form of a lopsided grin, or of the way his eyes crease at the corners when kiel glances away. he doesn’t believe in unrequited. it shows in that persistence of a gaze constantly trying to meet kiel’s, hands lifting to fall flat against the sides of his own face. not to mirror, but to admire.

baekhyun’s grin only grows sloppier when he hears a faint growl coming from beneath the table. but he likes to keep the silence lingering between them there a little longer, an unspoken gesture of i told you so, “tell me again that you’re not hungry.” his head tilts into his left hand, and his elbow digs into the patterns on the table, leaving behind angry, red indents on his skin.

he’s having fun with this: poking and prodding at all the right (and wrong) places. he of many words and another of nearly none, both pitted against each other. miscommunication makes his head spin.

 “or, you can take a wild guess at my first question. no lunch this time. which one sounds more appealing to you?”

[byunparks-archive]

[invained]

"People don't always say what they're really thinking."

stranger things meme list

on a cafe porch: two friends sitting in silence with minimal interaction and mutual gravitation toward their phones. the couple next to them broods openly, clearly in an argument, clearly angry over something petty, both unwilling to apologize. baekhyun snickers and nudges kiel with a soft jab to his side, finger hidden within the long sleeve of his sweater when he points (not so discreetly) at them. “what do you think they fought over?”

a dense collection of cars litters the street in heavy traffic. inside one car sits idly a middle-aged woman, hunched over from exhaustion, hands gripped tightly onto the wheel. her face, although blurred by the tint of her window, clearly remains taut from impatience as she stares blankly ahead. 

baekhyun wraps his hands around his cup of coffee, now slightly lukewarm, as he listens in on the incoherent tangle of conversation throughout the crowd. some speak without care. some speak with caution. some don’t talk at all. but they all blend together the same, anyway.

people don’t always say what they’re really thinking.

he meets kiel’s gaze with matching curiosity. empathy remains a guessing game of who’s feeling what, but he assumes that it’s all reciprocated in the end.

“what about me?” baekhyun keeps his smile wide and unbreakable. “guess what’s on my mind. i’ll buy lunch if you’re right.”

[invained]

hello! sorry for the abrupt + prolonged hiatus, i’ll probably be active more frequently after 12/15 when i’m done with finals. take care until then.

[vepid-deactivated20171126]

[kkt] wanna meet friday?

[invained]

[message sent, wednesday 2:32am] 금요일에 볼래?

His hand’s in Baekhyun’s; not because he was curious about the way his own would fit into the other’s spaces, but more so because he wants to remember how to touch him before it’s even a second too late. The city’s pressing on them a little too much, the chill of fall his only excuse in the way his hands are still in motion, unable to keep still.

His lips open a few times, then close, because he can never find the right words to say. Maybe Baekhyun sees the ghost of his breath every time he does, because he laughs, and squeezes his hand a few times. He feels Baekhyun’s pulse, wrist-to-wrist, for a split second, and he tries to sever the feeling to memory. “There’s nothing that you can do. You’ve done enough.” Their hands part and soon he’s stopped his feet, when Baekhyun continues walking. “Thank you, Jack.” Even now, his lips stay parted, breaths hitching with his chest rising and falling all too quick, uselessly.

“I’ll see you next weekend.”

[message received, wednesday 3:58am] 응.

[message received, saturday 12:38 am] 어딨어?

on a thursday evening, jack drags baekhyun through a busy crowd.

“coffee is the answer. it’s always the answer.”

with the promise of escaping the cold, they take a shortcut into an alleyway and spill out onto the neighboring block. baekhyun feels out of place for laughing, but he does anyway, because it’s in this split second of a moment where everything, for once, seems okay.

(emotions come in fragments: relief, complacency, regret. all too quickly. all too overwhelming.)

once they reach the cafe, there’s only enough room to stand in line and wait, so they grab their drinks and head back outside. jack burns his upper lip and baekhyun wipes the foam from his skin, and everything becomes wordless from there. 

the silence is only a bookmark of where they left off on since last time. baekhyun keeps his shoulders narrow and palms clasped tightly around his cup to reinforce the lingering space between them, to render it existent and evolving, to magnify a constant gravity pressing him down. and it feels like everything is stuck moving in slow motion as if the earth is coming to a halt from its orbit. his eyes strain to keep up. his feet drag across the sidewalk like they’re planted in drying cement. because heaviness is a side effect of everything he couldn’t say to stay alive.

[message received, saturday 1:06 am] 변백현. 지금 어딨어? 빨리 대답해줘…

without looking, he can see the outline of an uneasy face plagued by doubt. it’s hard to tell what jack’s feeling, but it’s easier to assume that the thought is corresponding from the other side.

“you don’t have to act that way around me, jack.” baekhyun purses his lips in hesitation before glancing up with what feels like a smile, but it hurts just the same. just as much. he reaches out to wrap his fingers around jack’s hand as a token of reassurance, and the warmth that seeps through his skin settles his heart just a little bit. just enough. streetlights tune out the sky as they pass by them, and dusk watches over the city with caution as the remaining strains of sunlight begin to fade.

“i know.”

[message sent, saturday 1:08 am] 집.

“because nothing’s going to change.”

[message sent, saturday 1:09 am] 걱정하지마

[invained]

stranger things meme list

“If anyone asks where I am, I’ve left the country.”

“Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.”

“You’re gonna be so cool now, it’s ridiculous.”

“I don’t like most people. He’s in the vast majority.”

“Sometimes your total obliviousness just blows my mind.”

“Why are you keeping this curiosity door shut?”

“She’s our friend and she’s crazy!”

“He likes me, but not like that. We just made out a couple times.”

"i'm not prostituting my sister!"

“If you’re gonna be a baby, then go home.”

“People don’t always say what they’re really thinking.”

“I haven’t needed you for a long time.”

“This whole time, you were right.”

“Do you understand? You saved me.”

“Only love makes you that crazy, sweetheart, and that damn stupid.”

“Friends don’t lie.”

“This is not yours to fix alone.”

[wnq-movies]

Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.

Good Will Hunting (1997), Dir. Gus Van Sant (via wnq-movies)