a sense of sickness rises, one of guilt and regret. trust him to wreck the most important thing in his life, to drag it through the dirt and destroy it as though their love meant nothing to him. countless mistakes deserve countless apologies, yet he has given jill none. instead he distances himself, hiding away from the people who matter because that’s supposed to make it easier. not that it feels that way, he still feels like there’s a heavy weight on his heart that grows everytime he makes things worse rather than better. he picks at the sleeve of his jumper, swallowing nervously and giving her a nod in reply. the guilt extends to eva, he’s not been a good father and he knows it. he’s not been the person she deserves, he’s torn their family apart more than he has helped them and he only continues to do that.
listening to the constant stream of chatter from eva, there’s occasional input from him. an occasional “wow, that’s so cool!” and a “tell me more about…”. though his thoughts aren’t focused on fishes, instead they are on jill and after several minutes of conversation, he excuses himself. ‘ sweetie, i’ll be right back. ’ standing up, he begins to move towards the kitchen, hand gliding along the wall. thankfully his apartment is small, making it much easier for him to navigate. reaching the kitchen, he fiddles with his hands, anxiety growing. ‘ hey… ’
it’s rough sailing when it comes between the two of them. there isn’t a smooth voyage, the waves flood the deck, and the thunder cracks. they sink. there’s a bit of a gleam at the sound of their little one sparking up with joy when speaking about the recent trip. the girl had the best of times. and, that’s the only thing that matters. the happiness that brings smiles and giggles to eva’s features. that’s where the own happiness of jill’s to linger. the only reason to be around. to hold on. any, boy, was she grateful for their daughter's existence. there’s such an infinite love for the toddler. when things are down, the girl knows how to brighten up the mood. a few years ago, the other being in the apartment brought that happiness, whereas now, there’s this heart aching pain when they’re near. but, this is for eva. it’s all for eva. their falseness of friendship. the constant need to run away from one another. or, for jill, that was the entire case. it was embarrassing, really. loving someone who didn’t seem to love you back. it’s a nightmare. dreaming about him. even when it’s good. consciousness always begging to be woken. because it’s not real. it’ll never be real, it seems.
ears are eavesdropping, listening in still, peering over to the doorway to the living room every few moments in a protective manner. not that alex will do anything hurtful, just a motherly thing. the moment alex says he’ll be back, there’s a shift in her position, now looking through the fridge, not fully-stocked but manageable ---she’ll take him grocery shopping. she pulls out apple juice, pouring it into a sippy cup that was heaved with the various things in eva’s go bag. she even pours a glass for herself and alex. he’s in the kitchen, now, and she looks over in the living room yet again, and the girl is fixed on looking through his movies, mumbling little comments to herself. ‘ she’ll love it if you come with us to our next trip to the aquarium. i’m thinking next month? ’ intentionally, there’s a divert from, hopefully, not a too serious conversation. not now. she’s weak just looking at him. wanting to curl up into his embrace and share each other’s warmth.
