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The Moon at YIH

Today's a Thursday, and crazy enough I woke up later than I'm used to. I had a bad dream (not necessarily a nightmare) but it's an uneasy dream. Hence I let myself sleep longer, especially when I sleep by myself tonight.

I let myself be slightly unproductive today - and there was no remorse against it. Unlike any other day where I plan my days ahead to keep my calendar full with talks, events, lectures or practices. Today my calendar is rather empty.

When I woke up at 10am today - I walked to the Erick's super monitor and joined an environmental webinar. Basically one that encourages us to be aware of our CO2 emissions (how you travel, what you eat). The prof went to calculate his carbon footprint as he travels on an economy class vs business class plane, and travel with taxi or take a public transport to campus. The prof also promoted carbon offset through buying carbon credits. He's saying carbon credits can be for those who are environmentally conscious but don't know how to contribute or instead of planting trees on your own you pay an organisation who does eco-initiatives.

When the webinar ended, I let myself do the thing I'm always against, playing game during the day. I let myself play a Nintendo game for an hour with no guilt at all. I limit myself to an hour of gaming, and yes - it felt great. I let myself do the things I enjoy.

I have been exercising these days, because I couldn't take my mind off the long winded interview process, and I went to have a chat with a maritime startup today. I felt like I do have a leverage in maritime-tech with my maritime foundation and supplemental tech degree, like I feel great I build my career upon this, although there has been no significant monetary milestone yet, it's alright! It's what I like doing, and I can finally do what I like irrespective of residency or money, I let myself explore and understand myself.

And since the year is ending, I am thankful that I get to prioritise and love myself this year. But of course, I hope tomorrow will be a better day because Erick comes home today, and my life is rather empty without him.

Also on LIFE this week

Did I tell you I quit on my entrepreneurship club? I literally gave up. Ciao bella.

I picked up running again, and I do my leetcode diligently.

Damp Mattress Protector

Did I say interviewing feels like a full-time job? Because I had applied to a couple of jobs and gotten the interview for it this week, but nowadays interview process are rather draggy with many other competitors, so each wait is about 1-2 weeks - or if it's a small company, 1 week.

Still I had presumptions. When I was a foreginer and had competed for an apprenticeship job, I saw I beat 15 other candidates to it (9 locals, 6 foreigners). The company had to justify why they hire a foreigner instead. Now that I am a PR, I felt like I was part of that status quo, like I was getting that many interviews because of either these 2; one that my resume really kicked for the role OR that I am just a number, no harm to chat this person up since she's a Permanent Resident.

Either of those, because I didn't feel good and I should have only applied for jobs I am keen to do (instead of out of desperation) now that I am a PR. Like how there was an interview as a bunker trader today. I walked to the office thinking of how that looks familiar.

Apparently yes it was the trading counterparty I had dealt with when I was an operator. Funny enough, as I was waiting, the interviewer suddenly barged in and said, "let's begin with a short introduction from you."

You know why this was weird? Because I felt there was no coutersy at all. I came with the expectation of a friendly introduction (at least) because I didn't even get their names. I was just any other candidate.

When I did make an introduction, I explained a little bit about the value I can bring, and this was their response, "You know what you're applying for right? did you read the job description? because we only need salespeople, we don't need to get too technicals. We've already paid a lot of money to other 3rd party provider for that."

In my head I'm just like, ok I want to work for the 3rd party provider more than you because I like the technical stuff. Instead I said, "It's just something value-adding from me."

And oh yes, to not waste my energy and people's time, I really should just apply for the roles I want to do, now that I am a PR.

Anyways, another 4 interviews to go - and I don't even know if there's going to be the next round, because joining a company as an apprentice was easier than joining as an experienced hires, because you actually need to know what in the world is happening.

It's a good experience for me though, to see who my real competitors are. For now, I do hope I get a job that I wanted, it's been 2 days past the interview, and for a big company, it will take months until I see a real offer, just like how I got converted from graduate to oil operator, had my second doubt by applying to PT degree, and got buried in my own choices. All because of the comfort of a corporate job, and because entreprenurship is easier done in Indo when the cost benefit analysis of a salaryman is a no brainer.

Week 45/2025: Gratitude

Teh o kosong for 50c only - with 60c off from campus BYO initiative. This has been fun really, I've enjoyed the incentive to develop less waste habits. I deliberately brought my own cup to enjoy it because it is slightly cheaper than home brewed tea! Although I lost Erick's expensive instulated thermos in the process and am using freebies now, a cost that I need to take note of.

Monday was public holiday and was followed by a decent week, where I attended campus talks, passed my final driving theory test and came to a realisation that I like chilling at YIH's rooftop. Fun fact, it is a net-zero energy building. I always feel comfortable being there, it's cozy and got great food.

On Friday, I made an appointment with the career counselor since I'd been unsuccessful with a handful of interviews. The guiding counsellor was doing his job to point out tips, and making use of my current circumstances to use it as a leverage. Something I wouldn't think of since I'd been preparing it by myself.

When the session ended, I proceeded with coding - the project of building Splitwise webapp. Probably something I would not have enjoyed if I were working full-time. When I am funemployed, I take time to understand, and enjoy the process - contrary to learning on the job where you're pushed to be ready and present even when not fully mature.

Mom called too, and reminded me of gratitude, one of them being to have met Erick. Mom said not to make money the center of your life, not to make materialistic wealth define yourself. Live in sufficiency with prudence.

I thought about that alot, like how I can be happy even if I am not earning money now, because I saved enough during my working days for upskilling, because my mom taught me to spend money wisely, my dad shielded me with humor and protection and my siblings, care. These are all that brought me up so I live harmoniously with Erick, just to replicate what had been passed down.

I was also reminded again with how I still love Erick when money's not plenty, when times were stressful, when I was lost, confused, angry, depressed, or suicidal even. I thougt of how I love Erick no matter what circumstances, and how being present with our family makes me happy, and that God presented me this life as a chance to be kind and I need to cherish this.

There may be things that I want that I couldn't get yet, but I've got an army who love me, erick and our family - with that, I feel complete.

Learning from the Earth: on Self-sustanance and Stability

Statistics lecture ended an hour early today, I sighed a little relief not because I wasn’t interested, but because I wanted to go home for a pizza deal. Well that’s one of the little things you look forward to when you’re not earning money - a good pizza deal.

Shortly after, I hopped on a double-decker bus and I heard a loud thud. The woman behind me scoured the floor for what had dropped, I peeked over a little and proceeded to mind my own business.

When I reached home, I wanted to keep my AirPods but to find that the AirPods case was not with me! I rummaged my bags and finally it came to my realisation that the loud thud was my AirPods case.

No AirPods for the next IDK when then.

Well yes, not having an AirPods come with plenty of benefits. For one, I started singing in my head and have my own internal conversation! Secondly, you can keep yourself entertained by listening to harmless chit chat of the public. That’s for you to keep, of course. Finally, I find myself typing and pouring my thoughts on the train instead of listening my lectures (productive geek).

Ok so - let’s dive into my reflections today.

During the distinguished speaker lecture series, I uncovered that there are 9 planetary boundaries, TLDR things that ensure the earth can regulate its stability. Wow I thought it was only climate change - Well no! It’s interesting because there may have been too many people emphasising on the importance of sustainability without telling the complete story. Did you know that there’s also ozone healing (the CFC in coolant we banned), ocean acidification (shipping decarbonisation effort), or even our modern day DIET! The food system is the greatest amplifier of ecological stress. They are small parts that makeup the whole story. I saw the bigger lens today - it was magnificent.

When you bind yourself to your work industry over time, you tend to become blunt with curiosity. I’m glad I’m not falling down that rabbit hole. So, stay curious and do good for the world! Because that’s what matters.

Things you enjoy doing is never a waste of time, and a dream is something you must realise

Taking a scenic detour sometimes means choosing a path less direct, slowing down to feel the cooling breeze rather than racing straight to the top. For me, that detour has been my return to university after nearly four years of working life.

I’ve always wanted to go to a university, but life kept placing new opportunities and obstacles in my way; Money, job security, the comfort of a stability. When I was 21, what I wanted most was stability.

January 2021

I was called to work as a supply trader at an oil trading firm, spending mornings in class and afternoons at the office, learning the ropes from a senior. It didn't take me too long to realise that I was adrift - physically present, but mentally elsewhere. On the seventh month of work, during a meeting, I admitted to my manager that I wasn’t becoming the trader I’d hoped to be. So I left the job I thought I wanted.

July 2021

With a newfound clarity, I applied to Plymouth University and excitedly told my family that I’d soon be leaving to study - perhaps even a master’s degree. But then came another job offer, an apprenticeship, compelling enough that I convinced myself to defer my studies. And so I tell myself, and I will apply University again next year.

October 2022

So each day of my life at work, I counted days to the end of my apprenticeship so I can go to the University. Days and months go by, and when it's time to apply, I did. Eventually I was already part of University schedules, and I was in touch my juniors and seniors from SP who were going and were also there.

In the meantime, I was promoted at work. I was put to a program, even when I didnt have a university degree, another offer too good to pass on. And so that year, as I received the professor email again, I was disheartened. Once more, I had to shelve my academic dreams.

September 2023

There had never been a year of my work when I didn't try to look for a good University programme. On the year 2 of my graduate programme in 2023, I had applied to NUS Btech, but at the time, there were not too many applicants, so they couldn't get the class to run.

September 2024

Another year of University application. This time, because there were not many applicants for supply chain again, I was streamlined to a tech programme. I took it. My work wasn't cutting me a slack too, as I was again promoted and my responsibilities piled higher, I juggled demanding work with studies, constantly struggling to give my interests the time and attention they deserved.

July 2025

Finally, after years of deferrals and detours, I reached a turning point. I decided to resign and wind down on professional commitment to make some space for a rich academic life - clearer than ever. I could now focus on studying, simply for the love of learning.

It’s never too late to return to university, or to pursue what truly excites you - even if the journey is longer and windier than expected. Sometimes, the scenic detour is the most meaningful path of all.

A life to love - love that lasts a lifetime

I live a life of my dream where I meet my dearest prince charming. He is everything to me and all I ever asked for. I hope he lives a long beautiful life with me, is all I say when I pray to the Lord.

I love you, EK. My forevermore.

Found the love of my life - here's my story, unfiltered.

Early March 2022. like any other typical modern love beginning, he dropped me a text on an app. Being an Indonesian with his picture in Tembusu College, I was intrigued. I always have a thing for smart boy, and knowing that he came from there, I was curious. Never did I know, the casual conversation turned more pages and lasted more than a month. At the time, what we shared was merely daily experiences and happenings around our lives. Then I told him I'd love to see the art exhibition he's doing on his campus, and he agreed. We set a date on our calendar, that became the day we first met, 27 March 2022.

Then life unfolds. From there, we met daily for dinner and on the weekend. How courteously that he would always send me home soon after we finished dinner. One night he stayed in the house for drinks. At that point I'd have thought maybe I've found my very best friend. There were nothing romantic or affectionate being exchanged between us for the past 1.5 months, only friendly and caring thoughts. Never in my life I thought that night was going to be something that lasts forever, something I treasure in life, and the very day that changed my life.

I kissed him, it was like an epiphany, a release, like I was free. He's the gentlest human being, the most vulnerable creature that takes up the most of my heart. That moment, I knew he's the one for me. I knew I wanted to be with him for as long as I can. And that I want to stay by him, dedicate, and nurture my life with him. I want to grow old with him and I want to spend the rest of my long life with him. I want to love him for as long as my able body allows me.

He said the word that I'd remember forever. The mark of our promise. He said, "Do you want to be exclusive with me?".

Long ago before I met him, I always knew this would be the key word that would signify my commitment. I'd want to be asked the word when I were to meet my soulmate. And it materialised. He's the one for me. I found the one for me, and I am the luckiest lady in the world to have found love at this age. Here I am the happiest, with life mostly filled with gratitude every single day, high or low and for better or worse. Love sets you free. Love is the mightiest form of a life well cherished. My love is, Erick Kristantio.

Love, yourself.

Hey you, I'm glad you're writing again. I want you to know that I fully support your dreams, and I am glad that you are back with your old habits. You see the sleep mode that is turned on at the corner of your screen? you used to sleep early because you like your restful morning. You made sure you get a long night's sleep because you don't take your naps. You know yourself and wouldn't put yourself past midnight because you care for yourself. You know what you want, you know what you need, you know what you appreciate. You know what's good for yourself, and you wouldn't trade it for the world.

I know you're been distracted these days. You've been waking up late and prolonging your sleep even if your alarm was set at the latest hour for your awakening. You've been finding it difficult to get up every morning because you forgot what you need. You forgot to love yourself. You forgot the life you've built upon yourself when you got lost, when you were left behind and when you were broken and hopeless.

I need to remind you to love yourself. You need to remember that when everyone leaves you, you have to rely on yourself. You have me, as yourself to support your aspirations. If the whole world ain't on your side, I got you.

Singapore Holiday 2021

Love on the holidays, you know me well - have the experience carried from every other year when I'm not going on holiday, it almost feels like that is replacing travelling, one is travelling physically through time, another travelling spiritually, though people.

Have always taken the opportunity to travel with my family if we had the chance to, but ever since Covid changes everything, I've been travelling domestically in the little red dot city.

Singapore boys, one after another. If I don't go home, I'm out with local boys, it's interesting to know people are different, and intrinsically the same; Boys are the same, love is the same, different experience, different things put together.

This time in December, was out with my senior who let me experience Singapore-British infused perspective. We were out all night, spent most of our days together driving down Singapore road, eating Singapore food, talking about Singapore stuffs. So much of it like he was taking out a foreigner in his hometown.

We went to the same school together, eventually was encouraged to apply for University that he went to, was also one because we were Singapore Polytechnic alumni. But eventually, when he went off to UK, we got distant. Once that was a 'can't spend a day without one another' became one that is bearable, because we both were busy living our own lives, and there's nothing that bring us together anymore.

I'm glad we didn't take off far, when you're so much infatuated, it's difficult to differentiate what's real and what's not. I've learnt from my experience to not decide too early, because feelings go away. I remembered feeling sad when he took off that I cried, feeling like a part of me goes away. Now when I think back, it was because I was so much infatuated.

But if things are so easy to get, it's also easy to disappear. Nature has a way to perform it, so everything in life is supposed to go the way it is.

TYX, thanks for December-January experience. That was wholesome xx.

A Bouquet of Sunflowers

Beautiful isn't it?

I've gotten to experience beauty in life, so much beyond words can express.

There are just so many things in life worth appreciating, the presence of those who love you, believe in you, and support you for all that matters. So when I was let go of one person to another, I felt disheartened, as the dedication I gave was obsolete, no longer bearing weigh as I was so very enthusiastic, was in love with what I was doing.

I had to start over from the beginning. Again from knowing nothing, and feeling helpless. It was challenging, troublesome to be versatile because I was once more being put out of my comfort zone. But I remembered once my friend told me, being comfortable doesn't push you far.

When I parted ways to one, I presented my appreciation through sunflowers as one gave me a truly enjoyable experience, more than I ask for. One made me see that the word 'not a problem at all' means a lot to someone who was anxious. One taught me that mistakes are done because we're human, and we should be forgiving and compassionate towards one another. That makes world a better place, being understanding.

Battling Great Big Ambitions

Applied to Uni a few months back, got an offer letter but eventually declined. During the time was when I got fired from my Trader job upon one month of probation period; I felt helpless, and adrift.

I could smell the flowers in the vase on the table from when my sister and cousin had their diploma convocation. The scent of celebration, but in my eyes, a mere futile piece of paper, as I wanted more.

I recalled feeling disgruntled by my own choice, tore between having to work in Singapore to serve my 3-year-bond, or to pursue my degree. Maybe it was because of having to swallow the reality, the fact that my parents didn't let me, not to blame them as they paid for my education after all.

So when my mom said she would frame the picture of when I graduated, I was triggered. The feeling of disappointment, of the times when I thought maybe I made a mistake for staying in Singapore, came haunting me back.

Maybe wait a year or two, but this age and time, they progress. They don't wait around, because if you don't do anything, you'll be left behind, and nobody likes to fall behind.

I am on the account of my own destiny. The storyline that I wrote for myself in life, the choices that I made for myself at present in considering the past, have weigh to my future. I have to get ahold of life and take responsibility.

I have to be my own cheerleader, my own anchor, my own pillar. I have to be independent.

Went back home late on bus 190, passing the highway as usual. The chicks from polytechnic, Su, Qis, Thao and I had just had a mookata dinner, followed by their sweet and mine savoury dessert. Thao and Su prefer sweet, cold dessert so they ordered ice cream waffles at the booth where a cute guy handled the payment at the counter. I was there with them, because Su's paynow didn't work - she might have been nervous around the cute guy with the sparkly eyes staring at her (he made her blush) haha. I am not going to debate, he's a real cutie he is. I had that inside my head until she brought it up as we found our seats near the counter. They got themselves buttery waffles with earl grey and strawberry cheesecake ice creams. I had my savoury dessert, it was more like a follow-up snacks, a spam onigiri, wrapped around like a sandwhich but with seaweed wrapping. Inside was mayo and eggs with rice, a true Asian symbolism, never missing rice to close the appetite. We joked about how people with masks are veiled in obscurity, as they pulled down their masks, revealing flipped mouth and nose, or surprising 2 noses in their faces. Our group name is 'shookeths', and I think that's valid, considering how wild our creativity can wonder. We took a walk down to Bugis, then to CHIJMES, the place where we took our pretty FYP celebration pictures (above picture). It's a friendship celebration indeed, sharing much bitter sweet journey in Polytechnic. Drowning ourselves in project anxiety towards the great achievement the four of us had reached, all because of our endless commitment to that, so dedicated and motivated, so young and helpless, not knowing what a simple school assignment would bring us to, such strong and solid friendship. Thao and Qis are both in NTU, pursuing their Maritime degree, meanwhile Su and I went to explore other options, Su is taking a gap year to decide on what she wanted to continue with her studies / a job at Under Armour and I, an apprenticeship programme with a commodity trading company. Life has never been the same ever since our graduation, we all had taken differing sane paths, looking forward to what's going to arrive at our door one day as we weave our hard work towards what each one of us define as success. Despite the rising covid cases in Singapore, we are glad that we could catch up before the restriction comes back in on Monday. It was a Saturday, the last week in which any 5 of us in Singapore could have meals on the same table, together. It ends with this-

Life is better not because of what we have individually achieved, but the presence of those whom we do proud as we achieve.

Parasite

I grew up surrounded by people who don't abuse and deprive me of my possessions. I have recently noticed that not everybody can be like that now. As you grow older, you've got more things you gained, that made you having to more things to lose.

With years of accumulation, you realise you can't have the best of both worlds. There's got something to lose, even as you step out of your door, maybe you're putting your safety at risk, or opening yourself up to strangers, there's a breaking point in which you gain or you lose.

Every second of your life counts. This is how economic theory revolves around you, opportunity cost and scarcity, or life cycle; All applicable to everyday life.

It's a matter of perspective - if you think something is worth that measure in your terms, you'll deem it worth positive, else negative. If you love something, it won't cost a thing-

Point of View

2021 got me thinking, Conversation makes you well, Presence is enabling, Emotion unravels humankind.

Just like lego blocks, A scatter is information, A categorised block is data analysis, A put together block is story.

Happiness is a thread of experiences - They go hand in hand, Takes two hands to clap, Many life becomes one

Floating

Someone said the exact subject adjective to describe me. Only seen at night, never to appear in the day, rather due to flurry or shame. Who is he to name me as he pleases, someone who is chauvinistic. Maybe I am the sensitive one, especially when words came out of his mouth. He meant it funny I know, I was just in a very bad place when I heard that.

Apart from that, he called me lil shit. I think certain someone actually uses derogatory to get close to someone, to be comfortable and have fun with each other. Banters - yes, I am not yet quite familiar with that at the start, but now I know that's what he was trying to do.

It was because of him that I was mad furious, and I got to be where I am today. Remembering the first time when he suited up for an interview at his high-end occupation now, it was adorable. Once we were on a video call to discuss about his project on Polytechnic entrepreneurship module, it was memorable.

He was one of my inspirations, I admired him. He was far distant but it was nice hearing a couple of times from him. Maybe one day, I'll impress him, with all my might I promise, I get to do it.

First Job - Impostor Syndrome

On my final semester in Polytechnic, I landed on a Bunker Trader job dealing with small quantity of Marine Gas Oil (MGO), the cleaner, more refined and expensive type of Fuel Oil.

At the start of the job, I had to juggle between working, final year project and my final exam. There is 24 hours in a day, I had to manage my time to fit my activities - on average 6 hours of class time, 3 hours of work, 3 hours of project research and 7 hours of sleep in which the rest were used for commuting, and living.

The 4 months were hectic, and I kept telling myself it wouldn't last that long so bear with it, so I did. During contact time, working as a bunker trader for a while, I was given choice to pursue my studies, or stay. I chose the latter. However, what they did not know was my base. I wasn't allowed to study in the UK, therefore working seemed like my only option, although I did explicitly claim that it felt unfair that I had to go through this as compared to the rest of my peers, going to the university.

I had prayed everyday that my SPass to be rejected but it was approved at once, so I assured myself to work, convincing myself of the more pros than cons on the circumstance. Eventually I settled on my decision on Monday, came to work looking more determined and fulfilled.

I still made too many mistakes since. I had failed to plant good thoughts on my head because I wasn't interested, no matter how many times I tried to push myself to it. It became extremely frustrating and stressful, having to fake my emotions and desire.

I realised I was having impostor syndrome at work, feeling highly unqualified for the job, when my colleagues were years into the job and I was starting out, but having the same title of a trader. It was like earning the respect and admiration out of the role but wasn't doing enough for it.

Eventually, I found another job that suited my age, an apprentice. The role wasn't secured yet, but one night in the wee hours of Tuesday, I submitted my application and got a prompt call the day after. I quickly convinced them that I needed the role, so they set me up for interview the following week.

That Friday of the same week, as I got off from the busy MRT commute, sprang myself to the office, spun around colourful butterflies on freshly cut grass in the nearby park on the outside. I reached the office and spoke a little about many unfortunate situations happening at work, many lost transactions, and how everyone was having a bad day because of yesterday.

Despite the sunny, beautiful Singapore, I was called to the meeting room. I already sensed that something bad was about to happen, but luckily I didn't crack jokes about it, because it was happening to me.

I was terminated but I was glad that it happened. I smiled to the news being delivered to me, unconsciously. I wanted to submit my resignation very soon, but they had reacted quicker than I. End is beautiful, and trust that things will work out on their own.

I am now onto my next job as an apprentice, in a bigger trading house, earning more than what I got previously. It was an unfortunate thing they had terminated me, but everything was going according to my plan, so I was satisfied with the outcome.

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