i always go on about how much influence emmanuel has had over beto, how close they were & all that & while i have touched on the subject of his mom... i don’t think i’ve expressed how important she is to beto. all things given, he’s learned to cope with their past to some degree, never past that. he’s grown now, he’s gone his own direction. he knows she loves him. but nothing can change the fact that at many points he felt like he fell second to her job. he hasn’t ever taken back what he said to her about her seeming to love her job more than she loved him & he doesn’t intend to, even if he knows she does love him more, because in all honesty ? there are still moments where he falls into that doubt, where he’s just uncertain. he isn’t okay with that, but he’s okay with not being okay.
the biggest thing of all though, is she makes him feel sad. she’s the only family he technically has left. he’s never gotten over wishing they’d been able to spend more time together, spending all that time he could w/ her before she left again, & in a way that still sticks. he calls her often, visits when he can. sometimes he can but he doesn’t & that’s when he’s left reflecting on it, on how he can’t walk away from a phone call with her without a heavy sigh after hanging up, without having a few seconds where his grandeur is just... absent. he’s brought back to being this kid who at the hardest moment in his life just wanted his parents, who had that point had already disappointed him so many times.
but he still calls. sometimes there’s a bit of hesitancy before he dials her, but he almost always go through, aware of how terrible it’ll feel. he still visits, & he enjoys visiting her. they’ll laugh & talk, they’ve always been close in the moments they’ve spent together but it’s like a night of partying with strangers where you have fun but walk away from it feeling numb / void.
it isn’t healthy, by any means, much less when considering those are one of the few things he really keeps quiet about.
baratheonpilled
origamiaround
pixelskylines
kaledo-art
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
