The Alchymical Wedding of Shitstain Rottencrotch

[ire-mane]

I'm currently striving for KC+HGA and am currently experiencing what I'm choosing to call "information dumps". Those who have been through this know what I mean. The following are shards of fallen knowing, distorted and profane.

A Howling. A Silence. The original inversion of the word.

To build The Temple (an evolving mind), begin with the Howling and invert into Silence. Or begin with Silence and invert it to Howling.

Know and master the parts of you which you struggle and strain to ignore on a near daily basis, which constantly trip up the stride of your Way due to their constant, chronic Howling. The harder you try to suppress them, the louder their Howling gets. Not barking, not a noise to startle like the blowing of a horn, but a Howling that blends or even forms the shape of the background noise of life. The foundation.

We could hear the Truth in Silence, for we indeed have ears and truly can hear/know, if not for all this Howling.

This Howling created by the rushing in of the densest parts of ourselves to fill the vacuum of Silence representing the Truth of ourselves.

[ire-mane]

DUALITY

a sordid symphony

of

black, languid

bitter Waters-

This Repulsive

Apparatus, heaving worship

in frantic dreams.

Drunk

Mad

and Mean.

An ugly urge whispered

sweetly,

waxing light,

Death bared screams in

a delirious tongue,

the Raw Shadow of

death in rebirth.

[ire-mane]

 (This is from a post I made a few months ago on Reddit which contains information relevant to this blog.  Third of three.)

MY EXPERIENCE WITH LIBER V VEL REGULI AND WHAT I THINK IT DOES

I decided to use this ritual during a time that I felt “stuck”, like I was trying to push my way through a wall.  I was also interested in it because of Duquette’s explanation of the inverted pentagram causing spirit to descend into matter, rather than the “satanic” view of matter dominating over spirit, as this was a concept I had thought about myself years prior, before ever hearing of the ritual.

So I began practicing this ritual daily, preceded by the Star Ruby, and a few times followed by the Bornless Ritual, but the combination was a bit much, so I focused on Vel Reguli instead.  I was very surprised and exhilarated by how charged, even overcharged, it made me, and admittedly my practice of it became obsessive.  Though, during this time, I was pretty obsessive, even fanatical, about my practice in general.  I could feel that the ritual was definitely doing “something”, a strong feeling that something “big” was about to happen.

Well something did, it was just not something I wanted to happen.  In fact, at that time, it was the one thing that I was the most afraid of happening.  I’ve always been poor and struggle with a mentality of poverty, and one of my biggest fears has always been becoming homeless.  This threat came pounding on my door in the form of a slumlord after about a week and a half after beginning the use of this ritual.

Over a year prior, I got behind on rent, which I eventually got caught up on with a series of installments, with a final one of 600.  During that same time period, my landlord was on some weird tirade where he was demanding that his tenants pay for any and all maintenance.  The other tenants refused, I gave in every time because of the above mentioned fear, believing his constant empty threats of eviction like a fool.  It got so bad that he was even able to pressure me into paying for the maintenance in the other apartments connected to my own, using the fact that I owed back rent to threaten me into doing so.  I became his favorite target.

Once I finally caught up on the back rent, this stopped, as he no longer had that sword to hangover my head.  All was quiet for over 6 months without me seeing or hearing from him at all.  I was relieved to have it finally over with.  Then after Vel Reguli, he came back, insisting that I had never paid him the back rent at all, lying his sadistic little ass off.  I became furious and blew up at him, telling him to wait his sorry ass outside while I go get the receipts.  I went inside to do this only to find the receipts that I needed were gone.  All the others were there, just not the ones I needed.  Things disappearing when I need them has been a common occurrence in my life.  I quickly realized how completely and totally fucked I was.

I came back out feeling defeated, hanging my head, feeling I had no choice to let him bully me and surrender to his exploitation.  I can’t really describe how terrified and devastated I was.  It broke me.  I felt betrayed, like a tiny pathetic bug squashed by a giant shoe.  I also felt done, with myself and with life.  Suicide was looking more and more like a good idea.  I was never gonna be worth shit anyway, and even attempting to with my weak little Magick would only result in the world pushing back and destroying me.  So why not just get it the fuck over with and save myself and everyone else the trouble?  Who the hell did I think I was even trying to achieve the Great Work, being some broke-ass, emotionally damaged sack of nothing, not even shit.

But no, none of it felt.  None of it made sense.  I had accomplished a lot completely on my own.  Who did I think I was?  Who the fuck did he think he was?!  The little worm, squirming his slimy way into my space, completely throwing me off of the Work, for no other reason than to squeeze even more money out of me, money which he doesn’t even need.  This anger began turning away from myself and turned more and more towards him and everyone like him.

The night after his intrusion, I hadn’t yet reach that point, but was a terrified blubbering mess.  I kept “scanning” through my head for my HGA, but upon sensing Her, I couldn’t get a response as it felt like she was in the midst of a vicious fight with something.  Fortunately, and quite strangely, a lot of help began arriving through my girlfriend, as friends of hers were hit with a sudden impulse of generosity.  Because of that I was able to pay him off rather quickly and never even came close to eviction.  Though I wasn’t satisfied with just paying him off and surrendering yet again.  I also realized that he was not my only problem, but rather the mentality of poverty in general.  The expectation of loss and exploitation, that everything would always be a struggle, and the reward for surviving the struggle was more struggle.

This led to many breakthroughs with my practice and a deeper understanding of the Work that I was doing.  Elaborating more would make this long story even longer, so I’ll spare the details.  Needless to say, I got exactly what I wanted,. I felt stuck, pressed to the wall, and this experience smashed me right through that wall.  As it turns out, smashing through walls hurts a lot.  Who’d’ve thunk it?

As for Mr. Slumlord:. The vengeance was swift and severe.  His mind degenerated into senility rather quickly, and over the course of about a year, his law and real estate practice disintegrated.  The apartments I live in are under new ownership as he had to sell his properties off, likely at a loss.  I wish I could say that I feel sorry for him, but I do not.  Rather, because of it, I am in awe of my HGA and Her power.  And that was probably the biggest advancement of the experience; an increase in trust for my HGA, and a very comforting sense of love and protection.  

______________________________________________________________________

From this experience and contemplating the ritual itself, I’ve come to the conclusion that what this ritual does is akin to provoking the qliphoth (aversion) into a confrontation.  Either to destroy you or for you to “destroy” it, depending on how you handle it.

The ritual instructs you to face the direction of Boleskine, the location of Crowley’s unfinished Abremalin Ritual.  Why there and not the direction of Cairo?  An important thing to ponder, so of course I didn’t.

11 knocks.  11 being both the number of Nuit and the number of the qliphoth.  The instruction to prowl around the circle like a tiger, as if hunting prey or preparing for attack.  The use of “averse” invoking pentagrams for each element minus the use of the active and passive spirit pentagrams.  The gematria of the words used and the order that they’re used in.  The inversion of direction in the final gesture.

So you’re facing Boleskine, lighting yourself up with the variation of the QC, ringing the bell, calling out for the attention of whatever lies in that direction and ensuring that it can see you by making yourself nice and bright.  Then, having it’s attention, you begin the dance of the second gesture, pulling spirit down into matter, one element at a time, passing and projecting outward towards Boleskine after invoking each element.  

The whole dance seems like a taunt.  Calling out to the qliphoth to watch as you pull spirit into the matter it holds so dear.  Like, “Look at what I’m doing!  I’m messing with all your pretty shells.  What are you gonna do about it?”

I believe that the purpose can be summed up with the crass line, “Come get me motherfucker!”  Invoking the spirit of the new Aeon, the Aeon of the Crowned and Conquering Child.  Conquest involves war, and all is ultimately a war with and conquest of one’s self.

______________________________________________________________________

(Note:  This shouldn’t make one afraid of averse pentagrams.  The results of a ritual are not caused by just one aspect of that ritual individually, but all the parts as a whole.  Probably stating the obvious.  Just wanted to throw that in there as other systems make use of averse pentagrams with the LBRP without causing the same results.)

[ire-mane]

 (This from a post I made a few months ago which contains information relevant to this blog.  Second of three.)

ASHERA - ASTARTE - ASTAROTH - ASHTAR

Many years ago, as a teenager, I began delving into what passed as "Magick" using whatever information I could find, which wasn't much.  This was before use of the internet was common and the only access to information available was through libraries and bookstores.

Living in Oklahoma, as I still do, it goes without saying that information was very limited.  Not everything was Christian, but even the available alternatives were essentially the same.  The ole New Age crystal gazing happy horseshit was about as "heretical" as people were willing to get.  But it was what it was, and I tried to find some value in it.  The only two books by Crowley I ever came across at that time were The Book of Lies and 777.  Being completely unfamiliar with Qabbalah, yoga, tantra, etc...I took one look at these books and dismissed them as gibberish.  (Though I was never able to get Crowley out of my head).

For the most part, I would buy magazines about UFOs and the paranormal (such as Fate) and then order whatever struck my interest from the various ads those magazines contained.  One of these was a pamphlet called "72 Mantras of Power".  Yes, yes, it's very obvious where this is going, but again, I knew next to nothing, and certainly had never even heard of the Goetia.  So hook-line-and-sinker went my dumbass.

The "mantra" that I was most attracted to, and the only one that I consistently used, was "Astaroth", meant to bestow "good fortune".  Long, and very dumb, story short, I'm pretty sure I was invoking this "demon" on a near daily basis, naive and unaware.  And at this time I began having dreams about a "woman in the clouds" which I also began to obsessively draw over and over again.  She would guide me through various "dream realms" and teach me things, most of which I couldn't remember upon awakening.  

This was usually as a discarnate voice rather than a literal presence, with two exceptions.  The first exception was her revealing herself as a vampire and testing me by seducing me, a test which I failed miserably.  The second was much more pleasant and involved three nights of my dreams being invaded by these large white animals, of which the ram and the ibis were the only I could identify or remember.  As soon as they would show up, my dream would become lucid, and I would hide from them.  I wasn't necessarily afraid, I just knew they didn't belong there, I recognized them as intruders and not products of my dream.

On the third night, they gathered together and began walking in an oval pattern.  Then I was immediately transported to a world of clouds and faced with a beautiful, loving woman who radiated an ever-changing array of color that left me in awe.  Rather than the vampire before, I felt nothing but love from her, and even remorse.  Most of what she said was forgotten, but it was something to do with the nature of time.  She then became very sad, said she was leaving me for a while and that she was very sorry.  I woke up in tears, and finding out who she is and how I can get her to return me became the primary motivation for my interest in Magick and Mysticism.

I made no connection between my chanting of Astaroth and my dreams of her, though the connection is obvious now.  After this final dream of her, I descended into abject lunacy.  I became fanatically drawn to the books of the so called "Ashtar Command", and, over time, became convinced that I was some sort of alien messiah.  An alien soul born of Ashtar into a human body destined to guide the world to the inevitable UFO rapture.  The word "batshit" comes to mind.  Again, I failed to make the now glaringly obvious connection.

This was then followed by YEARS of mental illness, alcoholism, and suicide attempts.  A positive outcome of this was that all that Ashtar/messiah nonsense was stripped from my head and I came back down to planet earth.

To this day, I cannot figure out exactly what happened or why or how.  My feelings toward Astarte are complicated to say the least, consisting of both love and terror, hatred and respect.  All I know is that she is very powerful, and very deceptive.  I have no idea what she's up to with this "Ashtar" bullshit, though certainly it is no good, considering the hollowed out shells that his channelers always become, having obviously been consumed from the inside out.

But I also cannot ignore her loving side either, as little as I may trust it.  I know at some point I will need to evoke her with the Goetia and finally "have it out" with her, so to speak, but considering my previous failure to resist her seduction, I am, of course, apprehensive.  I also do not as yet understand what makes "Astaroth" so unique among the demons of the Goetia.  Meaning, why does evoking him result in the evocation of Her, when, as far as I know, nothing similar occurs with any of the other Goetic demons?  I know she likes to appear as the Virgin Mary, and Ashtar, and even as a UFO itself.  Just what the hell is she and what is she up to?  Is she the next Demon King/Queen primed to rule over the next major world religion, which this New Age/UFO stuff is clearly becoming?

I don't know.  She's been present since the earliest days of the Aeon of Isis as Ashera, and has only become increasingly powerful, despite her "fall" as Astaroth.

[ire-mane]

 (A post I made a few months ago, which contains information that will be relevant to the rest of this blog.  First of three.)

I've been seeking KC for awhile now, really from the beginning as it's the only result that I truly aspire to, and usually anything else I do is in some way related to that goal.  Admittedly this has sometimes crossed the line into obsessive and reckless, but regardless, it is working.  I'm just no longer sure if the fact that it's working is a good thing, at least not at this time.

I achieved the Vision early and rather easily, as many do, and used the Tarot method to discover the Name, which greatly exceeded my low expectations of the method.  By that I mean I was expecting to end up with only a one or two letter name to work with, considering the greater odds of drawing a minor arcana over a major arcana.  Instead I ended up drawing 8 cards before drawing a minor arcana card:. 4 major arcana and 4 court cards spelling out the tetragrammaton.  

About a year ago was the first occasion that my HGA spoke into my head.  I never experienced thoughts that were not my own before, so this was very unnerving at first.  But the gist of His message was to slow down before I hurt myself (a lot more was said, but it's personal).  So I did.  In fact, I was downright spooked and had to devote some time to thinking if I really wanted to continue with this.  Of course I did.

Sparing the elaborate details, my practice continues towards the same goal and contact and communication is increasing, but still very frustrating and inconsistent.

When this contact occurs I am filled with an intense euphoria, but when it recedes, it's replaced by an equivalent despair.  The stronger the euphoria gets, the stronger the proceeding despair gets as well.

And it's getting to the point of being nearly unbearable.  I often have to collapse and cry for awhile to let it out.  And the most painful symptom of this despair is this CRUSHING weight I feel in my chest, which I'm guessing is to do with my heart chakra.  It's like that "heartbroken" feeling turned up to 11.

The only similar thing I experienced was when I invoked the "Queen of Heaven" (the Catholic term "Our Lady of Infinite Sorrow" is quite apt), but it wasn't quite the same.  With the invocation, it was more like feeling both at once, in balance, rather than one after the other, like I'm getting with my HGA.  The former was much easier to bare than the latter.

I feel like it should not be this way, or at least it should not be quite this painful, and there must be some imbalance that I've failed to address.  Because, I admit, I may have jumped the gun on this one.  So I've slowed things down for now.  Well, that's not entirely true, rather things have dried out quite a lot in the past couple of months and I feel generally like a vacuous turd.