I READ INTO THINGS

A BOOK IS A BOOK IS A BOOK IS A BOOK IS A LIFE. False advertising, depression, and doom porn. By Glory Szabo.

[ireadintothings]

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Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.

Helen Keller

[ireadintothings]

Derealization and depersonalization have been my status quo for a while. I look in the mirror and I wonder what happened to my life; I am a shell of the person I used to be. Certainly in looks. Yet I know I will only get older. It vaguely feels like it already happened before and it's happening again. It vaguely feels like I am on my deathbed, replaying my life in my head and I am in that memory instead of actually living life. 

Plot twist.

People who I thought were my friends were watching me from the sidelines like background characters. People who I thought were my friends were fading into the pale of the four walls.

Inertia is bad but making decisions is difficult when you're depressed. Throw a dice, lean into your destiny. In a sense, you already know your modus operandi but is that the best way forward? It brought you to this point and now you're under so much pressure like your head is in a vice. If all the options are bad then no decision should be made... but take comfort in knowing that there’s no such thing as free will.

Just because I am coherent and can articulate clearly, just because my reactions are normal and proportionate, it doesn't mean I am ok - despite what my therapist says. But maybe I will be, just need some distance; distance in time and physical distance too.

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A person can be lying perfectly motionless with their eyes closed and you’d have no idea that their mind is racing a million miles per hour in overdrive. To the observer, someone can look so peaceful and internally, they can be screaming at the top of their lungs, all at the same time. 

I’m at a danger of falling through that gap between external perception and internal reality.

Everything has been too much and too loud and so I decided that I will spend the day in bed with the curtains drawn. I’ve piled my pillows high and drew the blanket over my head. Today, I’ll say “yes and thank you” to depression.

On Monday, when people’ll ask me “how was your weekend” I will say “very chilled out, thanks.”

Is this me giving myself a break or is this me giving up? All I know is that I am tired in ways that I can’t sleep off and I’ve been barely eating all week.

He knew he had to intervene though and entered the room at noon. Switched on the himalayan salt lamp—its ambience flooded the darkness. “I made you cappuccino and even put cocoa powder on top.” Sometimes that’s all you can do for someone else - show them a bit of kindness.

[dictionaryofobscuresorrows]

ringlorn

adj. the wish that the modern world felt as epic as the one depicted in old stories and folktales—a place of tragedy and transcendence, of oaths and omens and fates, where everyday life felt like a quest for glory, a mythic bond with an ancient past, or a battle for survival against a clear enemy, rather than an open-ended parlor game where all the rules are made up and the points don’t matter.

[ireadintothings]

Brows furrowed, typing away, concentrating... what I want to achieve is to get out of my own head... and download all the clutter to a page. I need some mental space for myself; I am drowning in my own thoughts.

I attended a webinar by a life coach and she said that you have to take active responsibility for your life and mental health and manage each area as if you were pulling levers; checking in with yourself, understanding your own needs, then actively fulfilling the right need. If your most urgent need is to exercise to manage stress, if you spend that time with your family instead you will be stuck in your own head, not being present, and not making memories and you’ll be irritable with your spouse. That’s just an example but you know what I mean.

That makes sense to me - although I’ve felt more like a spectator in my life than an active participant. Like I checked out somewhere a while back and I need to refocus to live with intention. Or is that bs?

An endless stream of present tense - some hazy punctuation of significant life events and no clear path in time to follow (the illusion of free will does creep in). All the time that is within grasp ends right now.

We meditate, because we want the brain chatter to stop. To think absolutely nothing (I can still hear my inner voice saying; “think nothing, come on, think nothing!”). Thinking nothing is like the death of the ego; we fear death but we crave it too.

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https://www.instagram.com/gloryszabo/

[ireadintothings]

https://www.instagram.com/gloryszabo

[ireadintothings]

I’ve got a backlog of poems that I am going to be posting over the next couple of days! It’s so exciting to be writing again. Thanks for all you lovelies for sticking around muaw! 😘 

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People be like: Why don't you want kids?

Me: Because the world is a dumpster fire and we're doomed as a species.

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