Quotes that should have never been uttered

[irememberyourfailures]

Think with the penis of your heart!

[irememberyourfailures]

don’t even pretend to like boy bands if you don’t know who they are

[irememberyourfailures]

Thirty-two naked midgets duct taped to my roof and I STILL can't get a signal.

#2016worstyearever

[irememberyourfailures]

Can we talk about porn for a second?

One porno specifically. It’s on xvideos, titled “Sexy Teacher’s Assistant” (no judging). I only watched the first 5 seconds, but that’s all I needed because look at this shit:

So this is presumably the teacher who is being assisted. Go figure. But do you see what’s wrong here?

He has a DILDO. On his DESK.

WHY?

YOU’RE A TEACHER DAMMIT

WHY DO YOU HAVE A DILDO. ON. YOUR. DESK.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL:

The student SHOWS UP, and he PUTS IT AWAY.

The dildo is therefore NOT A NORMAL THING in this fictional world.

So

to recap:

Teacher has a dildo on his desk.

Dildo is not a normal thing to have on teacher’s desk.

Teacher knows his desk dildo is not normal.

SO WHY IS IT THERE

WHAT DOES HE USE IT FOR

DAMN PORNO, YOURE MAKING ME ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS TODAY

[irememberyourfailures]

I’ve been having fun.

[irememberyourfailures]

[youmustbecarmilla]

[brassyasssassafrasaphone]

she plans to eat the dog

[irememberyourfailures]

That’s a selfie. She is the dog.

[enatomars-deactivated20201227]

I made a quiz that tells you which character trope you fit best. There’s ten different results! Feel free to take it!

Reblog in the tags what you got!

[irememberyourfailures]

There’s no banana option this quiz is a load of STUPID.

[phoenixcollective]

reblog if you would be fine sharing a restroom with a transgender person

[irememberyourfailures]

Not so sure man, the stalls are a bit small for two people.

[shift-to-vector-cannon-mode]

anyway, here’s one of the most iconic moments in cinematic history

shrek 2 was a fucking masterpiece

[hoodietae-archive-deactivated20]

HERE IT IS

[artiependragons]

THIS ICONIC MOMENT IN CINEMA IS 12 YEARS OLD TODAY

[pastakittyqueen-deactivated2019]

@send-tem-to-college, remember this?

Or how about you, @irememberyourfailures?

[irememberyourfailures]

HIT IT!

[konojsama]

Zed Talon

[irememberyourfailures]

Zed: “Honey, are you a little distracted?”

Talon: “No, why?”

Zed: “Well you’ve been explaining the map to me for 10 minutes, but you’re still looking at it upside down.”

[charliemouse745]

And the award for the most in character cosplay goes to…

[nyehwweh]

LISTEN ASSASSINS CREED COSPLAYERS ARE FUCKING HARDCORE

WHENEVER I GO TO ANY CONVENTION ONE OF THESE PEOPLE IN EITHER FULL OR ALMOST FULL COSTUME LITERALLY GO SCALE WALLS AND SIT IN RIDICULOUSLY HIGH PLACES

THE LAST TIME I WENT TO A CON A GUY IN FULL EZIO COSPLAY CLIMBED ON TOP OF A GODDAMN BUILDING WITH NO LADDERS NO ROPES NO NOTHING EXCEPT HIS BARE HANDS AND BALLS OF FUCKING DIAMOND

[dollgirllandsknecht]

Are you sure they’re not like.. Actual assassins

[irememberyourfailures]

It’s the perfect disguise.

[incorrect-pokespe-quotes]

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth… Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Red, as an ice breaker (via incorrect-pokespe-quotes)

[irememberyourfailures]

SI units

Friend 1: "They underestimate our fapping capacity."

Friend 2: "Our fapacity, if you will."

[irememberyourfailures]

Beastiality

Friend 1: "What's the punishment for beastiality in MA?"

Friend 2: "2 years in the doghouse."

[maxofs2d]

[irememberyourfailures]

You know what this reminds me of?

[irememberyourfailures]

Beastiality is illegal in California, a Misdemeanor in Hawaii but just a traffic violation in Florida.