worthless and distant @irl-ichi - Tumblr Blog

my alarm woke me up while i was deep in a dream where i happened to stumble upon my best friend from 8th grade and just spent all day hanging out and catching up wahhhhhh i miss her T_T

were healthy enough that we dont really have "fights" like arguing or yelling or anything its either 1) my partner scolding me for doing something weve talked about or 2) unpredictable reaction to me saying he did something we talked about because The Disorder means he forgets everything and might not be aware esp if theres a lot of switching that day and i understand so i dont like to be harsh but he wants me to hold him accountable for everything and gets upset when i dont. last night was the former and he got so worried that i cleaned something instead of asking him to do it because im post op that he raised his voice when scolding me making me cry and my precious soul cat nutmeg did NOT like it 😬

as with every "fight" we talked things through and by the end everything was completely fine again back to laughing and joking around big hug goodnight he kissed my forehead etc etc but today when were in the same room nutmeg has been sitting near him staring at him constantly and glancing over to me like to check how im feeling. "you made my mom cry" LMAO shes the best i love her so much i wish she could live forever 😭

#talk

very relieved to actually be getting this hysterectomy tomorrow thank god

however

top surgery was always the first thing i wanted and especially with climate change making everything so hot and humid this underboob sweat is driving me crazy (☉‿☉) i hope trump dies slowly and painfully suffering the entire time

me my whole life: there are good people and bad people everywhere, it has nothing to do with race or nationality, thats just how humans are

me when an european starts saying some crap about americans now knowing their default setting is mean and grumpy:

#in honor of the world cup #and americans being confused why all these europeans keep saying were all INCREDIBLY NICE just for like. politely smiling at someone #i used to think it was just white british colonizer mindset but no apparently its a culture thing #they just. shove people? never say excuse me or sorry or anything #like that must be a normal part of the culture #i saw this british guy losing his mind because his waitress was friendly and all the europeans agreed servers arent like that there 😭#cherry on top at the end of it he said he felt bad for not tipping #LIKE BRO YOURE IN THE CAPITALIST HELLSCAPE WE HATE TIPS TOO BUT THATS LITERALLY THEIR WAGE #IF YOUR SERVER DIDNT STRAIGHT UP SPIT IN YOUR FOOD YOU HAVE TO TIP #WHEN YOU GO TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ITS RULES #EVERYTHING COSTS MONEY. EVERYTHING. WHY DO YOU THINK EVERYONE HERE IS BROKE #YOU DONT GO OUT TO EAT LIKE THAT UNLESS YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THE TIP!! ITS PART OF THE MEAL FEE!!!!!#IS IT FINALLY CLICKING WHY MOST OF US NEVER EAT OUT #ARE THE DOTS FINALLY CONNECTING FOR YOU 'americans are just stupid with their money im built different' DEMONS

we saw the bsckrooms movie with a group of white people who i knew wouldnt think about it and i saw someone i follow on here say it was racist and i read what they said for why but oh my god it was so much worse than i expected.... like it wouldve been fine if the character was white but. wow

i remember when people around me acted like i was treating china like its perfect just because im impressed with the progress its made in such a short amount of time and i wasnt bringing up the negatives every chance i got. like obviously there are bad things there, every place has bad things. the issue that i usually see because my feed is more lighthearted and i get animal videos is the treatment and protection of animals. one that i dont see as often is the racism against indians a lot of chinese people have but when i do.....

like this is a video from an indian news show talking about the poor perception of indian tourists lately and how every place has bad people but they dont represent an entire race or culture and just reminding people to be respectful when traveling.... and this is still the comments section

there already are climate crisis refugees around the world and white americans, some of the most privileged people on the planet, will still do everything in their power to not have to look at hear about or acknowledge climate collapse. real glad you guys get to just focus on your art career or whatever, unfortunately i wanted to study something alive so this is forced to be on my mind 24/7 because changes in climate affect literally everything

but you KNOW as soon as climate collapse has finally managed to scream in their faces so much they cant ignore it anymore no matter how much they try then theyll be the whiniest nuisances ever

#how are you gonna be obsessed with sharks and ALWAYS wearing shark accessories but not worry about whats making them die

irl-ichi

being an american is so fun. if you get overwhelmed by your biology classes talking about the effects of global warming how were already in the midst of it and we will never get out of it in our lifetimes that will probably be cut short because everything is dying and the ocean current system is going to collapse.....and switch over to your other class about american democracy youll be learning even more racism in america broken down by each group affected, when they were finally considered people, and get stressed out knowing your professor says in like every lecture that shes sure a lot of these things shes teaching will change soon and are in the process of being changed right now given. yknow. the whole "taking away peoples rights" thing happening. i cant even pin down when she mightve recorded these because she already had to include stuff trump did since it rescinds a lot of older stuff she teaches but we all know this class wouldnt be able to mention EVERYTHING hes done.

and somehow you have to motivate yourself to keep studying and get a degree even though you wonder what the point of trying is when you know the animals you want to work with will be extinct and you and everyone you love will die early to heat or drought or famine or illness unless the villains in power change yet its taking molotov cocktails and bullets just to get them to MAYBE consider not turning your entire state into a freshwater wasting ecosystem destroying cancer inducing grid sucking data center so that AI can prevent you from ever having a career, and they are STILL assassinating the scientists that were studying unlimited clean energy because the oil and gas companies cant control the world if it doesnt need them

irl-ichi

all this and you still have to hold your tongue when people around you talk about having children because the general population still doesnt know nearly how bad climate collapse is (that is literally what they are calling climate change now because its so dire) and its not socially acceptable to tell them its objectively selfish to create life just so YOU can love it without thinking of the quality of life it will have: undernourished from limited resources once crops and livestock die, no vaccines available for whatever viral horrors we will have mutating faster than we can keep up with, a planet so humid sweating becomes obsolete but theres no widespread clean energy infrastructure to keep up with the demand of air conditioning this would generate, no safe infrastructure that would be able to withstand the intensity of natural disasters, higher likelihood of cancer from the increased radiation, the list goes on.

these people are as selfish to me as the women in apocalypse medias everyone insults for getting pregnant and giving birth while they have to be quiet from the zombies or whatever because literally everyone my age LESS THAN 30 YEARS OLD already knows how much things have changed in our lifetimes. and climate collapse doesnt continue in a linear form, which is what the early predictions scientists had were. once the "doomsday glacier" in antarctica started melting they found it didnt melt into the ocean so much as broke off entire chunks from uneven melting meaning the damage increases exponentially.

every little change we notice, how much its progressed in less than 3 decades, and you think it wont be ten times worse in just a few years? they are already estimating millions will die in the southern US by 2030 because we will have already reached the temperature and humidity conditions that cannot sustain human life. thats less than 4 years. humans can live around a century. just pure selfishness literally

being an american is so fun. if you get overwhelmed by your biology classes talking about the effects of global warming how were already in the midst of it and we will never get out of it in our lifetimes that will probably be cut short because everything is dying and the ocean current system is going to collapse.....and switch over to your other class about american democracy youll be learning even more racism in america broken down by each group affected, when they were finally considered people, and get stressed out knowing your professor says in like every lecture that shes sure a lot of these things shes teaching will change soon and are in the process of being changed right now given. yknow. the whole "taking away peoples rights" thing happening. i cant even pin down when she mightve recorded these because she already had to include stuff trump did since it rescinds a lot of older stuff she teaches but we all know this class wouldnt be able to mention EVERYTHING hes done.

and somehow you have to motivate yourself to keep studying and get a degree even though you wonder what the point of trying is when you know the animals you want to work with will be extinct and you and everyone you love will die early to heat or drought or famine or illness unless the villains in power change yet its taking molotov cocktails and bullets just to get them to MAYBE consider not turning your entire state into a freshwater wasting ecosystem destroying cancer inducing grid sucking data center so that AI can prevent you from ever having a career, and they are STILL assassinating the scientists that were studying unlimited clean energy because the oil and gas companies cant control the world if it doesnt need them

spent like 9 straight hours gathering vids on tiktok and im still such a mess even after sleeping on it. probably made my ptsd flare or something. now hopefully its no more videos just articles i have to collect. and im also putting a section about israel and israeli people specifically because i needed her to see the brainwashing they get from birth even in their schools, just outright hatred of muslims and casual genocidal statements. i needed her to see how embarrassing it was that she defends israel so hard and talks about the Evil Muslim Regime meanwhile the people she defends would gladly kill her too because they dont like catholics! like hello!!!!! they are supremacists!!!!! they hate you!!!!!! had to make sure i put the classic show of israeli humanity by adding their reactions to 9/11, the infamous five men who took selfies in front of the burning towers, the woman who couldnt stop smiling while looking at it, netanyahu saying it was "a good thing" because it meant the us would bomb iran, which theyve been begging the president to do since the 80s (what a coincidence)......

and of course the lovely system that makes it so american pedophiles flee to israel to escape charges and reoffend. gonna have a hard time biting my tongue not starting that one with "i dont know if you care about pedophilia" because she certainly doesnt when it comes to her own sister

#talk

cherry on top is that my mom said probably the only thing that would get through her sister about palestine is if she saw the worst of the worst videos like i have. of the people sobbing hugging corpses amidst rubble and the children missing limbs, starving, dying. the torture in the prisons and the shooter povs of sniping children while laughing. that stuff is traumatizing so i didnt keep any of what ive seen which means i have to spend a while searching watching and collecting these videos.........

another easter sucked yayy went to bed hoping things would be better today but partner got really irritated with himself sleeping in and getting super glue on his fingers trying to fix his glasses that broke yesterday and because of My issues now im scared and on edge. so much for sleeping off bad feelings 🥲

any ajr concert would be fun but ill never get over that i didnt get to go to a neotheater concert

the cute little dress i saw on tiktok for $35 is on pinduoduo for $5... even with the address forwarding and tariffs its probably still gonna be much cheaper than the tiktok one.... my eyes have been opened to pinduoduo (☉‿☉)

#told my rednote friend i cant find the dress anywhere else and he said it was on there soooo i have been enlightened to another site

i know things are hectic in healthcare right now but the area that feels like my right ovary has been hurting nonstop for like 5 days which is Not Normal for me and now is the only time i actually want to do an ultrasound and the only time something might actually show up cause i wanna see wtf is going on but it could go away any day now so if someone could answer any of the voicemails i left and schedule me for some stupid tests that would be great (☉‿☉)

one year later and its even worse now :)

also.... that was the first time i even mentioned this whole thing anywhere because until now my partner didnt want anyone else knowing about it. but after that first switch happened last week he told his coworker friend and his boyfriend weve been hanging out with (who they later told us were both systems as well so at least theres someone else besides his one friend he can talk to about this stuff) and said its okay for me to tell my parents of all people so i dunno if im still not supposed to mention it to my friends but that limits who i can talk to about all this to....well. i dont know actually because often he says hes adam but when i broke down the other night and the "blanket" alter (as he described himself) had to come out to calm me down said adam has barely been around this past week. so i have no idea who im talking to. either way it limits me to only being able to talk to the system. and given that most of them still dont know who they are or even have names plus "the flood gates have been opened" so the switching is so rapid its like every few seconds or minutes they dont really know how to willingly front or hold the front, and with the years of suppression communication is barely there most of them barely seem to know anyone else and amnesiac barriers are high, i dont exactly have the same kind of emotional support i did from my partner before so even when we talk it doesnt help in the same way it used to. which i understand completely i just need to be able to talk about this outside of the system yknow?

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worthless and distant