worthless and distant

var sc_project=12227966; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="3f1b1956"; ....really just a Mess read this before following and if you think pedophilia/incest/abuse is okay get out of here. i don't care if you ship publicly to cope, scram. don’t reblog any personal posts “#ichi mumbles” unless tagged it’s okay. vent/talk-to-myself blog so nothing is tagged, follow at your own risk

[irl-ichi]

i remember when people around me acted like i was treating china like its perfect just because im impressed with the progress its made in such a short amount of time and i wasnt bringing up the negatives every chance i got. like obviously there are bad things there, every place has bad things. the issue that i usually see because my feed is more lighthearted and i get animal videos is the treatment and protection of animals. one that i dont see as often is the racism against indians a lot of chinese people have but when i do.....

like this is a video from an indian news show talking about the poor perception of indian tourists lately and how every place has bad people but they dont represent an entire race or culture and just reminding people to be respectful when traveling.... and this is still the comments section

[irl-ichi]

there already are climate crisis refugees around the world and white americans, some of the most privileged people on the planet, will still do everything in their power to not have to look at hear about or acknowledge climate collapse. real glad you guys get to just focus on your art career or whatever, unfortunately i wanted to study something alive so this is forced to be on my mind 24/7 because changes in climate affect literally everything

but you KNOW as soon as climate collapse has finally managed to scream in their faces so much they cant ignore it anymore no matter how much they try then theyll be the whiniest nuisances ever

[irl-ichi]

being an american is so fun. if you get overwhelmed by your biology classes talking about the effects of global warming how were already in the midst of it and we will never get out of it in our lifetimes that will probably be cut short because everything is dying and the ocean current system is going to collapse.....and switch over to your other class about american democracy youll be learning even more racism in america broken down by each group affected, when they were finally considered people, and get stressed out knowing your professor says in like every lecture that shes sure a lot of these things shes teaching will change soon and are in the process of being changed right now given. yknow. the whole "taking away peoples rights" thing happening. i cant even pin down when she mightve recorded these because she already had to include stuff trump did since it rescinds a lot of older stuff she teaches but we all know this class wouldnt be able to mention EVERYTHING hes done.

and somehow you have to motivate yourself to keep studying and get a degree even though you wonder what the point of trying is when you know the animals you want to work with will be extinct and you and everyone you love will die early to heat or drought or famine or illness unless the villains in power change yet its taking molotov cocktails and bullets just to get them to MAYBE consider not turning your entire state into a freshwater wasting ecosystem destroying cancer inducing grid sucking data center so that AI can prevent you from ever having a career, and they are STILL assassinating the scientists that were studying unlimited clean energy because the oil and gas companies cant control the world if it doesnt need them

[irl-ichi]

all this and you still have to hold your tongue when people around you talk about having children because the general population still doesnt know nearly how bad climate collapse is (that is literally what they are calling climate change now because its so dire) and its not socially acceptable to tell them its objectively selfish to create life just so YOU can love it without thinking of the quality of life it will have: undernourished from limited resources once crops and livestock die, no vaccines available for whatever viral horrors we will have mutating faster than we can keep up with, a planet so humid sweating becomes obsolete but theres no widespread clean energy infrastructure to keep up with the demand of air conditioning this would generate, no safe infrastructure that would be able to withstand the intensity of natural disasters, higher likelihood of cancer from the increased radiation, the list goes on.

these people are as selfish to me as the women in apocalypse medias everyone insults for getting pregnant and giving birth while they have to be quiet from the zombies or whatever because literally everyone my age LESS THAN 30 YEARS OLD already knows how much things have changed in our lifetimes. and climate collapse doesnt continue in a linear form, which is what the early predictions scientists had were. once the "doomsday glacier" in antarctica started melting they found it didnt melt into the ocean so much as broke off entire chunks from uneven melting meaning the damage increases exponentially.

every little change we notice, how much its progressed in less than 3 decades, and you think it wont be ten times worse in just a few years? they are already estimating millions will die in the southern US by 2030 because we will have already reached the temperature and humidity conditions that cannot sustain human life. thats less than 4 years. humans can live around a century. just pure selfishness literally

[irl-ichi]

being an american is so fun. if you get overwhelmed by your biology classes talking about the effects of global warming how were already in the midst of it and we will never get out of it in our lifetimes that will probably be cut short because everything is dying and the ocean current system is going to collapse.....and switch over to your other class about american democracy youll be learning even more racism in america broken down by each group affected, when they were finally considered people, and get stressed out knowing your professor says in like every lecture that shes sure a lot of these things shes teaching will change soon and are in the process of being changed right now given. yknow. the whole "taking away peoples rights" thing happening. i cant even pin down when she mightve recorded these because she already had to include stuff trump did since it rescinds a lot of older stuff she teaches but we all know this class wouldnt be able to mention EVERYTHING hes done.

and somehow you have to motivate yourself to keep studying and get a degree even though you wonder what the point of trying is when you know the animals you want to work with will be extinct and you and everyone you love will die early to heat or drought or famine or illness unless the villains in power change yet its taking molotov cocktails and bullets just to get them to MAYBE consider not turning your entire state into a freshwater wasting ecosystem destroying cancer inducing grid sucking data center so that AI can prevent you from ever having a career, and they are STILL assassinating the scientists that were studying unlimited clean energy because the oil and gas companies cant control the world if it doesnt need them

[irl-ichi]

spent like 9 straight hours gathering vids on tiktok and im still such a mess even after sleeping on it. probably made my ptsd flare or something. now hopefully its no more videos just articles i have to collect. and im also putting a section about israel and israeli people specifically because i needed her to see the brainwashing they get from birth even in their schools, just outright hatred of muslims and casual genocidal statements. i needed her to see how embarrassing it was that she defends israel so hard and talks about the Evil Muslim Regime meanwhile the people she defends would gladly kill her too because they dont like catholics! like hello!!!!! they are supremacists!!!!! they hate you!!!!!! had to make sure i put the classic show of israeli humanity by adding their reactions to 9/11, the infamous five men who took selfies in front of the burning towers, the woman who couldnt stop smiling while looking at it, netanyahu saying it was "a good thing" because it meant the us would bomb iran, which theyve been begging the president to do since the 80s (what a coincidence)......

and of course the lovely system that makes it so american pedophiles flee to israel to escape charges and reoffend. gonna have a hard time biting my tongue not starting that one with "i dont know if you care about pedophilia" because she certainly doesnt when it comes to her own sister

[irl-ichi]

cherry on top is that my mom said probably the only thing that would get through her sister about palestine is if she saw the worst of the worst videos like i have. of the people sobbing hugging corpses amidst rubble and the children missing limbs, starving, dying. the torture in the prisons and the shooter povs of sniping children while laughing. that stuff is traumatizing so i didnt keep any of what ive seen which means i have to spend a while searching watching and collecting these videos.........

[irl-ichi]

another easter sucked yayy went to bed hoping things would be better today but partner got really irritated with himself sleeping in and getting super glue on his fingers trying to fix his glasses that broke yesterday and because of My issues now im scared and on edge. so much for sleeping off bad feelings 🥲

[irl-ichi]

any ajr concert would be fun but ill never get over that i didnt get to go to a neotheater concert

[irl-ichi]

the cute little dress i saw on tiktok for $35 is on pinduoduo for $5... even with the address forwarding and tariffs its probably still gonna be much cheaper than the tiktok one.... my eyes have been opened to pinduoduo (☉‿☉)

[irl-ichi]

i know things are hectic in healthcare right now but the area that feels like my right ovary has been hurting nonstop for like 5 days which is Not Normal for me and now is the only time i actually want to do an ultrasound and the only time something might actually show up cause i wanna see wtf is going on but it could go away any day now so if someone could answer any of the voicemails i left and schedule me for some stupid tests that would be great (☉‿☉)

[irl-ichi]

one year later and its even worse now :)

[irl-ichi]

also.... that was the first time i even mentioned this whole thing anywhere because until now my partner didnt want anyone else knowing about it. but after that first switch happened last week he told his coworker friend and his boyfriend weve been hanging out with (who they later told us were both systems as well so at least theres someone else besides his one friend he can talk to about this stuff) and said its okay for me to tell my parents of all people so i dunno if im still not supposed to mention it to my friends but that limits who i can talk to about all this to....well. i dont know actually because often he says hes adam but when i broke down the other night and the "blanket" alter (as he described himself) had to come out to calm me down said adam has barely been around this past week. so i have no idea who im talking to. either way it limits me to only being able to talk to the system. and given that most of them still dont know who they are or even have names plus "the flood gates have been opened" so the switching is so rapid its like every few seconds or minutes they dont really know how to willingly front or hold the front, and with the years of suppression communication is barely there most of them barely seem to know anyone else and amnesiac barriers are high, i dont exactly have the same kind of emotional support i did from my partner before so even when we talk it doesnt help in the same way it used to. which i understand completely i just need to be able to talk about this outside of the system yknow?

[irl-ichi]

godddd i am so stressed i have so much to do before surgery i wanted to work at least a week ahead in math so i wouldnt have to sit up so soon afterwards but this is the worst math class i have ever taken even besides the ridiculous spyware for the exams the homework just SUCKS

like each question is a million parts and its not even reasonable. the amount of time it takes to do each part should really only be one question each

and there are always more than 20 questions per homework. yet there are two homework assignments due every other night, for like six assignments a week

even the video of the professor doing this, who doesnt have to pause to enter things into a calculator because she writes everything beforehand, is over 10 minutes long!

i took a quick release adderall yesterday hoping to finish the two assignments that were due last night AND two assignments ahead but i didnt even get through the two that were due last night before i felt the adderall wearing off 4 hours later. it took 5 1/2 hours to do those

even worse i wasnt even doing them because its just too much work i knew it would take forever so the 5 1/2 hours was WITH ME PUTTING EVERYTHING INTO A CALCULATOR SITE i cant imagine how long it wouldve taken me by hand nor can i imagine how anyone who is taking literally any other class can keep up because this is too much when its the only class i have

i tried doing it myself at first but it quickly became clear it would take too long. like congrats college you actually went past "repetition helps you learn" and into "way too much mind numbing busy work that is actively detrimental to learning" forcing me to cheat when i originally did not want to. ironic given how paranoid you are about students cheating. now i see why apparently so many students HAD to

[irl-ichi]

why do i get the feeling ill have to watch hunger games tonight (since its my bedroom) even tho ive been so depressed i havent wanted to watch Anything in a while yet i always have to stop playing our 4 person stardew game after only like 5 days because one person doesnt want to play anymore

[irl-ichi]

i was right

[irl-ichi]

why do i get the feeling ill have to watch hunger games tonight (since its my bedroom) even tho ive been so depressed i havent wanted to watch Anything in a while yet i always have to stop playing our 4 person stardew game after only like 5 days because one person doesnt want to play anymore

[anajudraws]

kelkkarotu ide.. i love this event!! ❅☃︎🥧

[irl-ichi]

like truly this is ruining my ability to have white friends they just wanna keep chatting and hanging out business as usual meanwhile i have to keep checking life360 to make sure my friends and family havent been kidnapped but i cant mention anything without "bumming everyone out"

cool. awesome. ignorance is bliss and privilege is ignorance etc which i felt bad about when i wasnt keeping up on every update around the world but my god can you do something when its IN YOUR HOME LITERALLY DISRUPTING YOUR DAILY LIFE