habeo
blog one: The missing part of myself
I am feeling like I am left out of something wonderful.
I am feeling like everyone pities me for not being part of it. I am feeling like I am weird, strange, and everyone’s eyes are looking at me as if I am someone who is different, actually not different but unloved.
Wanna know why is that? Never had a boyfriend, never had a hug, never had a real kiss (just drunk at some random party), never have someone to come back home and cook for me, or take me out to dinner or give me flowers, small gifts, anyone who thinks of me and how I’m doing, someone to ask me how my day was, someone to show at family gatherings, or events, or to my friends. Never experienced any kind of boyfriend material, not even once. Yeah, I do had some flings — not more than 3 and no more than a couple of months
I know I am loved, my family loves me, my friends love me, my life is nice, I love myself sometimes (sometimes I don’t). Not talking about love in general, it’s more like romantically speaking, a partner, mate, a friend, a boyfriend (in my case).
I am just so sick of everyone, I am tired of it. I don't even want to go out with my friends anymore. I hate how they look at me like I am missing something, like I am frigid. Everyone at my age is dating, and for real, like in long-term relationships. I do not have a single friend who is single. It’s fine, I mean, everyone can do whatever, but why do I have to feel judged by them? Wtf? They are making me feel like I am not choosing to be alone, they are making me feel like I have some kind of problem, they make me feel lonely.
I did choose not to have a partner, actually. I am a busy woman, and my life is always upside down with activities and work. I am not looking for some guy to be part of it. But then it’s like everyone is telling me I should date and download a dating app, and when I reply, I DO not have time for that, they make me feel like I am making excuses. Is it that abnormal to be alone? Is it that abnormal to have never experienced any kind of relationship? Because honestly speaking, I never looked for anybody, and I don’t even want to. Like, I like to be just me. But when everything around you tells you that you are not happy alone, eventually you start to believe it.
The worst part comes when that starts to affect my self-esteem, and I start to feel ugly, unpretty, and unwanted. When you’re at an age between 20 and 30, everyone is dating, which means all the possible people you look at for a relationship are already taken. So you start feeling like you would never find someone available. The circle feels narrower, and the choices are out of reach. I started looking at guys, but all of them are already looking at someone else, and you start feeling like no one would ever look at you as you grow older. ("You should have secured a guy when you were younger," screams the voices in my head.) Well, I AM FUCKING FINE. I don’t need someone. I was happy alone. I am happy when I come back home and smoke a cig, chill in my bed with some music. I am happy drinking some wine and having pasta on my own on Sunday noon while watching a TV show. And I am happy going for a walk and listening to some music. I am happy when I’m in bed and touch myself anytime I want without having to pretend I want to. And yeah, I can do that with a partner and enjoy it, but I can also do it on my own and enjoy it too. SO fuck it, where are the single people? I want to hang out with them and chill out. I don’t want to be with my friends anymore, not if the only subject they can talk about is relationships. There is so much more.
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