When fortunate enough to form meaningful lasting friendships with really great people of the opposite sex, and your feelings for that person move past the friendship line, don't screw it up with dismissal, confusion, dishonesty or denial. Emotions often stir in the heart when sharing close proximity with a friend of the opposite sex, no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about this. The appreciation you have for that person, the times you've enjoyed together and the special moments you share can send messages to the heart that perhaps are not a true representation of the relationship dynamic in both your hearts and minds. This doesn't mean your feelings are wrong or inappropriate, it also doesn't mean they must be reciprocated. So what do you do if you are the "new feelings friend" or the "friend whose hearing about new feelings"? Having been on both sides of this close confidant conundrum, I can readily say there are a variety of emotions one goes through, anxiety, insecurity, appreciation, vanity, and guilt among them. Your ego will certainly ride the waves of inflation and deflation depending on which side of this honest encounter you reside. In hopes of sharing my experiences to help you maintain the most valuable of human interactions, a truly dear friend, I offer a 3 step solution to clearing the air, expressing yourself clearly and openly and even perhaps, if fortune smiles on your heart, transitioning out of the rocky waters of a confused friendship and into the serenity of calm cool love. Step One: Be Sure and Bare All The most dramatic and difficult part of sharing your inner most feelings is the thought that you will be rejected. We can all identify with that paralyzing fear. Anxiety gripped me with the thought of forever changing the dynamic of a long standing relationship with a new revelation, that may not be returned in kind. Before you set sail into that uncharted territory, search yourself deeply and honestly analyze what you feel. Several questions need be posed, such asā¦ are my feelings about my friend more about what they are or have been to and for me. Perhaps, what I am lacking in my life they always seem to fill or can fill? Replacement players are a stain on the game and friendships shouldn't be used that way. Do I truly want to share my life with this person on a deeper level or am I just curious about what we could potentially be? Uncertainty and or hypothesis is no way to test the waters of relationship expansion. This is your friendship not a social science experiment. To often relationships are built on filling a void in the heart which is a recipe for disaster. Conversely, if new feelings are revealed to you search yourself as well, questioning whether you have given off false signals or clues that would muddy the waters of the friendship. Mixed messages and signals can unknowingly be sent and misinterpreted. Be honest about what you were conveying when you expressed loving and caring and life long friendship, those strong buying signals can very well lead somewhere you intend to go. In either case an honest assessment in the moment, contemplation, and then baring your soul will steer the compass in the direction the relationship was intended to go, which may not necessarily the direction you hoped for. Yet, being sure about things and baring all at least puts your heart on an open honest footing, dealing with that truthful reality is an easier pill to swallow in the long run. Step Two: Humility wins the middle ground In a delicate situation which perhaps you have introduced, try your best to detach from the ego. Although your ego may be taking a beating or being overly inflated, a bruised or inflated ego can take a conversation that should be grounded in open honest discussion in pursuit of understanding, down the path of confusing, hurtful speech in protection of its existence. Humility allows for vulnerability which allows for truth and honesty. If you truly considered this person a close friend in the first place, give them the courtesy and respect of humbling yourself. This brings the conversation to middle ground in an emotional encounter. From that middle ground two people can truly work out all there is that exists between them. A note for the friend whose being introduced to new feelings for the first time, You play a power position in this dynamic so it is very important to find even more humility than the friend who is conveying new feelings for the first time. Now this may sound counter intuitive, so hear me out. Your natural inclination will be "hey, that's not how I feel sooooo, you've gotta work it out on your own", that's a selfish way to treat a friend. Sharing new feelings for the first time is perhaps the most humiliating, vulnerable position a person can be in, simply because they are putting themselves out there 100% baring their soul to you. Be considerate of your friends feelings, and appreciative of their courage, meet them half way by engaging in the conversation and asking those questions that drive at the heart of how they got there, even though you are not there or nowhere near there. Of course if you feel the same way, don't let them drown in the deep waters of uncertainty, throw em a life preserver, a hug and or a kiss will do. Do remember in either case, this is a person you've considered a friend so a little humility will go a long way wading through these waters like adults. Step Three: Take a Bow or bow out One way or the other the new course that's been set will reach a destination. The outcome of the discussion will determine whether or not it is best to disappear for a bit and allow time for the dust to settle or set anchor, take your new found friend into your arms for a Titanic type moment on the Bow. If you decide that the feelings are mutual please don't hesitate to seal the deal with a kiss. A firm gesture christening the maiden voyage of friendship/relationship embarks with a long passionate kiss. One both of you were probably waiting way to long to engage in. Release that intimacy tension as soon as possible a revel in the satisfaction of your burning desire being extinguished with a little lip locking. On the other hand if there is to be no new dynamic to your friendship, appreciate each other in the fact that you were able to openly share those feelings on both sides and no longer have to carry the weight of confusion and uncertainty in your heart. Of course the silence that DOES come with the end of the discussion will be extremely awkward, this is natural. Take your time here, don't rush or run away as that will be your inclination. Choose your closing words and sentences wisely, but don't beat down the door with the same lines. If you both cannot come to a mutual understanding then agree to disagree. You cannot force what is not natural. Either way, make your closing remarks brief and genuine, allow the other person to speak and most importantly HEAR THEM. Your heart and mind will be screaming, try your best to quiet yourself and hear the other person out thoroughly. You both will know when there is no more to be said, at that point gather and remove yourself from physical presence. Allow for some alone time to process all that just happened, work through it in your own minds and decide what or where the friendship is and goes from here. I do not have a timetable for reintroduction into each others presence, I would suggest 7 days time at least before you reach out and reevaluate. No matter what make sure a consensus is realized, neither person wants to linger in limbo, holding out hope or hoping it all goes away. Matters of the heart can be tricky waters to navigate. When setting your sails from the shores of uncertainty, to the clear blue waters of understanding, above all else, for either friend creating an open honest atmosphere for sharing thoughts and feelings is a constructive, productive, respectful way to engage in the emotional abyss that is friendship and love. Be Kind and Be Well. @IStwoBe
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