thousands of miles away
i’m on a plane to another country and i never realized how much i cared. it’s funny how when you’re in the moment and you’re busy at school or work you feel like you have everything you need and everyone you care about. but now i’m sitting on a plane, with nothing to do but think. i don’t think about school, dance, work, i don’t even think about my friends from school. i just think about you. i think about how i left and the only person i needed to say goodbye to wont even talk to me. i think about the fact that I thought that if i ever did leave for a trip or had something important in my life i would be sharing it with you. instead i’m here, alone. i’ve gone through hell and back for you and yet you can’t even give me the time of day. the more i think about it the more i question whether or not you ever meant anything you said to me. did you really love me? did you really only want me? did you really think was special from the moment we met? i could answer those questions in a heart beat giving you every detail of my thoughts and memories, what could you give me? a vague answer that makes me even more confused and isolated than before? i know what i did. i know you think i betrayed you and that i just did it to get back at you. i didn’t. i did it because i was being accused of terrible things and i had to stand up for myself because you wouldn’t bother clarifying what happened. even then i must have imagined it because i don’t think anyone knows the truth. it’s funny to me because i always said i didn’t want to get attached or fall in love because i knew that if i lost that person i wouldn’t be the same. and now look, i was right. i tried my very hardest to make sure i had you but i wasn’t getting attached and it ended up biting me in the butt cause i’m sad, so sad. i don’t have the one person i loved talking to, i don’t have the one person i felt completely and utterly comfortable with. i don’t have the person i love. you didn’t love me though. you said it, many times and i always believed you but i’ve learned my lesson. you never loved me, you liked the idea that i was in love with you. you were my everything and still are yet here i am on planes, in a different country, so far away and you won’t even say hello. i miss you, of course i do. and i still love you. but you don’t feel the same, never have never will. i guess i’m saying i’m sorry ethan. i’m sorry for loving you more than i loved myself. i’m sorry for wanting you and treating you like my all. just know that i really haven’t moved on. i fell for you and still haven’t gotten up. you’re the one person i miss more than anything in this world. i wish i was getting i miss you texts from you but instead i sit here with my lonesome music wondering if everything that we had was all just my imagination. god do i love you and does it hurt like no other but i’m never getting you back because you never really wanted me in the first place
