Man, Dan Howell coming out of the closet is so strange and surreal because I remember starting my high school career being obsessed with Dan and Phil and being really cringey about it all and I shipped them together, went to see them on tour, bought their book, bought their merch and everything, and then a week before my high school graduation, Dan drops the single greatest most informative, personal, emotional, and woke coming out video I’ve ever seen, and I’m finding myself uwuing over him and Phil all over again but in a much more mature sense. Like, as a fourteen year old, I would read fanfic about them, I’d look at all the long winded posts about how “pHaN iS REaL!11!!1!!” pointing out all the “evidence” that they were together, I co-owned an instagram fan account for them (I actually still keep in touch with the girl I ran it with, she’s super cool and I like her a lot!), the whole nine. Now, as an eighteen year old who hasn’t thought about either of them in months who would occasionally visit their instagram pages to see what they were up to, the last thing I expected to see when I realized that I still had video alert notifications for dan’s channel after my phone buzzed was a forty five minute long coming out video titled “Basically I’m gay”. Dan’s absolutely raw and yet simultaneously utterly composed articulation and organization of his story on his journey to self-love and acceptance was just what I needed to see today. When he spoke of his experiences in relation to Christianity, I found that they were all too relatable in the worst and most terrible way, but it was honestly kind of relieving to hear someone else say out loud what I’ve struggled with for so long. When he mentioned in the beginning about resenting that his grandmother brought him to church for so long, I couldn’t help but think of myself with my mother. The awkwardness of that one confrontation so perfectly encapsulated my own feelings towards my mom on the religious front, because while you love her so much and don’t ever want her to come under fire, you have a lot of trouble trying to reconcile her decision to force that christian indoctrination onto you for so long, and it’s all very confusing and uncomfortable. And then when he mentioned how he used to kneel and pray at night for God to please just make him straight, I got literal fucking goosebumps because I have done that exact same thing. The first time I ever had a sex dream, it was about a female friend of mine, and I woke up that morning feeling so ashamed, disgusted, and guilty, so I went to confession later that day. The priest told me to pray the rosary or something along those lines and to ask God to remove the lustful thoughts and desires from my heart, so when I went into the penance chambers, I started praying, and after a few Hail Mary’s, I just broke down in tears, crying out to God in the most tiny and broken voice to say the words “I don’t wanna be a dyke anymore.” out loud. My journey to being openly and proudly bisexual has been easier than most, but it definitely has not been without its obstacles. I honestly think everyone should watch Dan’s coming out video and honestly??? Take some notes. That’s how you fucking come out. It was so perfect. And Phil hopping on Twitter to support him and also how Dan described how their meeting and developing a relationship was so transformative and necessary at that point in his life just made me feel warm inside. Everyone needs a best friend, and when you find that person, everything else falls into place. And I don’t mean that everything in life begins to work out in your favor, it absolutely does not. But what does happen is that you suddenly have someone who loves you, who cares about you, and who admires you so much so that they help you weather the storm. But anyways, happy pride everybody!
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