Always Something @isopropyl--alcohol - Tumblr Blog

vangoghcore

by home_of_blossom

kafaminguzelligi

expressions-of-nature

In the Kingdom of Frost by Alexander Cherkasov

expressions-of-nature

by Jordan Doane

expressions-of-nature

by Tatiana Alieva

nonconcept

maureen2musings

Madeira, Portugal

michael.paramonti

uroko

三千院/石楠花 Sanzen-in Temple/Rhododendron

Sometimes I look at my old blog and sometimes I dig in the past. I happened across the absolute smear campaign of me in my youth which maybe I deserved but I also think was perpetuated by not only my own lack of understanding but the lack of understanding of borderline in general.

All of the horrible things said about me where due to my own behaviors, of course. I am not responsible for my diagnoses but I am responsible for what I do because of them.

In my defense, if I may have one, I was deemed borderline at 18. I was also told repeatedly that there was no treatment for borderline. No medications, no amount of therapy, nothing. I was told this by a professor who was a practicing psychologist and it hurt so bad I left class in the middle of the lecture (and then complained to the school). So I had a lot of reckless behavior, extremely unstable relationships and emotions, and a horrific sense of self. I am also autistic and susceptible to do things that people want from me which made my relationships or friendship or other human attention turn to things that others wanted of me and I complied thinking that's what I should do.

It's been 14 years and while what those people said about me had some truth to it, what I really see is how much I struggled against the world. I did things I'm not proud of but functioned in the way my brain knew how - it didn't know how.

The ex of the smear campaign has actually reached out to me twice (when his marriage was struggling) to apologize for those times, now understanding what I went through. I just feel bad for the girl I once was and how hard it was being borderline in a world that only villainized her and never supported her. I'm also sorry for all the people that my behavior hurt.

I'm older now and still borderline but I found a partner that was a balm to my brain, a therapist that worked me through the worst, and a medication regimen that keeps me level. I live near my family, I work from home. I am happy, I am safe, and I am loved.

I'm still sorry. And one shouldn't look at hateful things about themselves, it doesn't feel good 😅

#personal problems