Starfire ⭐

Confessions and Unsent Messages

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

De Vierde Man (Paul Verhoeven, 1983)

[istarpayr]

C o n f e s s i o n # godknows :

The best and worst thing about me is that I feel everything very deeply

I hysterically laugh at the most stupid thing and it's not really so hard to amuse me

Present me a rock and I'll carry it everywhere.

But with that, it means I also feel sadness and pain too deeply

Way too deep

I'm not sure if that makes me a snowflake, but i don't think i have much control over it. 

The closest thing to control I ever manage to do is bottling it all up and imploding..

There are days when I want to hug all my friends and shower them with kisses and adoration, no alcohol needed, just because I feel this immense sense of gratefulness for having them in my life

But there are also days when I wanna curse their entire being and flip them off for making me feel this turmoil within..

I wanna let them know that I don't fucking need them and I'm fucking sick of seeming to be the only one who values this whole shit and they can all rot in hell!

I know it's illogical

I know I'll regret it

I'm fully aware it's not true and that I'm pretty sure I don't mean it..

But at those moments it's the only thing I am able to process and feel.

I also know that there's something deeply wrong with me at the very core, which drives me to think and feel such way

I've always known and I've learned to accept that

Again, I don't have control over the thoughts and feelings,

But I can control my actions.

I shutdown and allow myself to feel all of these, but I do nothing

I let anger and hatred consume me, but in silence..

I shake and tremble and tear up with rage, but in silence.

Some say the silence is a passive-agressive manipulation

I beg to differ

Matter of fact, I think it's easier to manipulate me

They don't know how quickly the moods can shift

It's insane how the the emotions can just switch with a simple tone modulation or unmindful gestures

Give it an hour or two and it all simmers down again.

It's so damn easy that I get disgusted with myself

Soon, I'll find myself happily wagging my tail at the slightest attention and affection

So, I get more angry.. no longer at them, but towards myself

People say I'm too self-depreciating, but I don't think they understand how all these self-hatred are of mercy and gentleness.

Anger towards people converted to torment towards self.

I will always choose to let the rage pass in silence than cause irreversible damage over a stupid thing I don't think you even noticed or meant..

But again, who gaf, I always convince myself I don't.

[lilpieceofmyworld]

[istarpayr]

Lya..